A spiritual awakening, Peace, Sorrow. Love.

It's about 32 degrees, the sky is gray, I'm drinking theraflu, and how are you? So okay it doesn't rhyme. I'm feeling pitiful today. My eyes are watering, nose on overdrive, coughing and scratchy throat. UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! I hate this!

Yesterday we went to Springfield to see a church leader for me to talk to. I have followed the advice in D&C 107 saying we should seek knowledge from all sources. So I have. I wish I had done so before being baptised. But being a member of the church we are discouraged from reading anything that is contrary to its teachings. I had a frightening (to be mild) experience thirty years ago that has caused quite a bit of depression. I wanted to talk to someone about it who could give me answers. It appears that of those who have stayed with the church after such an ordeal, don't have the same feelings that I do. It is very lonely. Perhaps I am simply 'triggered' by what I had to say and do that took me back to when I was five. I don't know, But I know that since that time I have avoided all lessons, talks, testimony and such about the subject.

I was ready to have my name removed from the records of the church yesterday. I did not get answers to my questions except to say that "It is THAT important" and that he had a testimony of some things. I'm not saying what church or incident in order to protect the church. This person said that if I told anyone about the incident that most would not even know what I was talking about because things have been changed since that time. Which is a whole other story altogether.

If the Smithsonian Institution's archaeologists, the Archaeology department of BYU, Boston University; Archaeology Digest, have found no evidence to prove a huge battle was fought, that there were no pigs, horses, elephants, domestic cattle here before 1492, and DNA has proved that the American Indian is Mongoloid in heredity a direct link from Asian decent, and documented facts throughout church history have been hidden, I am glad that I followed the advice to seek knowledge. Would Americans write their history in the language of their enemies? Yet an ancient family record was written in revised Egyptian instead of Hebrew. No metals available in any way to smelt steel.

I have anxiety over this, fear of retribution, excommunication, loss of friends, But I hope that my friends know that I will always love them in spite of my findings. They are MY findings, it was MY quest to learn more. In one way I feel peace. Peace that there is nothing "wrong" with me, because there are so many things that are misrepresented in the church, that I know I don't need to look much further. Even evidence from church history contradicts itself. But I am not supposed to know about this.

So I sit here bracing myself, for any comments from my friends, sadness at my unbelief, sadness for my loss of testimony, sadness at my searching other sources, anger for writing this blog, disfellowshipment, shunning. I am just one little person in a sea of billions. What do I matter? I have a great relationship with Jesus Christ as I always have had. I know I am loved and I know that I do my best to search out truth. I was disappointed. I am putting my spiritual wellbeing ahead of my doubts that I have had for 30 years.

I'm sorry if this offends any of you. I have felt like a hypocrite for that many years. My husband has me reading a book to see if this church can be proved experimentally. It was written in the 70's before DNA was available as proof of evidence to convict criminals. But even when I bring this before my husband I am laughed at and ridiculed. How do I live with this knowledge? Where do I go to church? Do I go to church? I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and of the holy ghost. I believe the leaders of the church are men of God. It has been a relatively good 30 years, with all of the callings I have had and taking girls to camp for over 20 years. Where does this leave me? An apostate I guess. Not proud of it, just more informed than I was 30 years ago when all of the members of my family were concerned about my decision. Now i understand why.

Do you know why Christians where crosses with the Savior not there? Not a crucifix? Just a blank cross? It is because it represents the risen Lord. I am not a different person. I am just at peace with what I already knew just now it is known by everyone.

I look forward to any comments, I sadly expect to lose friends, or be pittied, or shown the way back. It has been the most profound peace in 30 years, please let me enjoy it.

Thanks guys, it hasn't changed my love for you.