Saying goodbye. The sound of silence feels better.

This is the end of this blog. I feel that I have said everything I ever want to say, at least for a very long time. The last thing I wrote to my family got one member mad at me and I will never know if I was forgiven because he died less than a month after receiving the letter. I tried calling, I tried to enlist another member of my family to pass the word along that I was sorry he was upset. I never got to talk to him again.
I'm very opinionated. I'm honest and not afraid to talk about my disorders as I have in the past. It was mostly started as a day by day account of my transitioning from pharmacutical medication to vitamins, minerals and amino acids to treat bi-polar disorder. My first blogs were about mental illness and the fight with which I deal, day in and day out. My brother had depression as well. I feel I laid one too many burdens upon him, brought back a conversation that only he, I and God were privy to. I will never know how badly this affected him. I feel the weight upon my heart every day. I'm working with my psychologist from Iowa City on a weekly basis by phone to work through the guilt I feel.
It was not suicide, but it was tragic anyway. I always considered him a friend above being my brother. We could always talk, somehow we would get through disagreements, sometimes major ones, but we knew we loved each other and had each survived our young lives and lived to adulthood. We didn't pass down the "techniques" that were used on us in our formative years. All four of us "kids" made it out and became productive successful members of society. I ended up on disability due to mental illness and he ended up on disability due to a stroke. This was added on to his depression and didn't make it any easier to cope with.
When I was suicidal the first call I made was to him because I knew he would understand what I was feeling like no one else in my family could. I loved his laugh, he was a good father and husband a very supportive dad and grandpa. He loved those little ones. they come into the house and ask for Papa and he is not there.
It is still not real to me. I sent sympathy cards to his family probably saying all the wrong things. Short is best when it comes to sympathy cards. Short is better.
I'm working on forgiving myself for causing him extra pain at the end of his life. And that we never got to work this one out. I blame myself.
In psychology patients are taught to create a "safe place" where you can go and be alone and no one can be there unless you want them there. My safe place was always walking beside the still water with Christ, then being able to sit at his feet and rest my head on his lap and let him smooth his hand over my hair. That is healthy. Two days ago an new "safe place" entered my mind. I felt I had opened my mouth, used my pen, my keyboard one too many times and all I wanted was to be in a dumpster, alone with the lid down where I couldn't hurt anyone anymore with my words. If anybody reads this which is highly unlikely, one of them may be my friend Lynne. I can hear her soothing my mind and telling me that what I did was just honest and that I wanted my family back. Well, I am down to two siblings and no parents. From a family of six to a family of three and I'm not even 50 yet. It makes you grow up finally to know how individually precious each person is. And how empty your life can be when that one person is gone. I accepted my parents' deaths. But it is hard to accept my brother's. It couldn't happen any other way, I'm nearly 100% sure, but it is still not real to me. I think about it and then it blows my mind. I didn't get to say goodbye.
So I'm saying goodbye here. I have been very vast and liberal with my words, spreading them out there where not one part of my life was sacred. I thought I helped some people. Some said so. I think it was cathartic for me to write. Well, I'll be doing my writing in my journals from this point on and for the benefit of my heart, soul, and mind. I was in a "different place" when I wrote that last letter to my brother, to my family. And now I'm in a new place. A silent one. I will not be showing up on facebook quite so regularly with posts. I'll still keep an eye out and see what people are doing and comment when I feel so inclined. I just feel the need to keep my lips together and my thoughts to myself.
I probably won't be writing any more letters at all anymore except in gratitude for people who have helped me over every bad time I have been through. Those who have made my life worth it and who have convinced me that I need to be here.
So, anyway, Even though I didn't get to say goodbye to my brother, I'm saying goodbye to you.
If I could ask one more request, could you continue to pray for my family and the Canaga family in general. There is a huge heaviness we are standing under at this time. Take care. And thanks for supporting me in this blog when you had the chance to read it.

Collages, color, photography and perfume

I just got done going through some magazines. I love to make collages and I look for colorful ads and photos to rip. That's my style. And some things to cut precisely. So I chose a magazine that I had looked at while at the Y about a year ago called "InStyle" it is a fashion magazine and I'm thinking, "yeah, right...me and a fashion magazine.." almost an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp. But I was in the middle of doing some photography projects and was needing inspiration and they were literally full of gorgeous photography. So far killing two birds with one stone. Then today I decided, "you know, we really do have a ton of magazines.. I should probably go through them just to pick out the best pages and pitch 'em." But then two other reasons to keep them came up. At Next of Kiln they are going to be figuring out how to make baskets by recycling magazines for the basket material. Definitely want to do that (whenever that class happens) I am not a pack rat. I used to be but not any more. I sift through and sort and toss. I turn my collages into postcards to send to friends. Anyway Anyway Anyway I found one more fun thing to do with the magazines...which InStyle is full of and that is the perfume ads!!!!!

Now is this cheap or what? Have you never sat in a doctors exam room with a magazine and secretly spread the perfume on your neck and wrists? Or am I the only one to admit it? SO... I've got a collection of Coach, Giorgio Armani, Donna Karan, Oscar de la Renta, Calvin Klein...blah blah, blah blah. So my idea is to take scissors and trim next to the flap that is adhered to the back of the page and then clip two inch segments of the strip and keep one or two in my purse for emergencies! I barely wear perfume so these would be used for church. Someone might say, "hmm, you smell nice.. what are you wearing?" and I could reply, "page 45!"

I know some people really abhor perfume ads and you don't always find them in Women's Day or Real Simple magazines. My subscription is going to run out and I don't think I'm going to subscribe again although I have found SO MANY uses for it now... I'll have to think about it. That is my tip of the day.

Have a great one!

Cancelled Satellite TV,& YMCA. Going to tapes and Wii, religious views and daughter's new job

A few things came up over the past six weeks and I've not had the opportunity to write. First of all my daughter got a new job in South Dakota. She had been working as a server in a high-end restaurant at a resort in Riverside Iowa and was approached by the CEO of that restaurant and the new general manager for a new resort in northern Iowa. They asked if she would consider working as the manager of the new steakhouse in the new resort. She turned them down the first time they asked after interviewing because she had no supervisory experience. They called back and really wanted her for HER not her experience. She was the one they wanted and she took it. She moved up to South Dakota right across the border from Iowa and 15 minutes from the resort. Things have been going really well for her. I went up and spent the month of May with her since her husband couldn't come up just right then and we thought it would be best if she had someone to come home to after some stressful days doing something so huge and new. She asked too. I didn't just barge in. We had a very good time together and she has had a great opening night and things are going well.

I went for four weeks without tv, radio or internet. It was blissful. I did get a little homesick but was torn when I had to go home. It's not very often that a mom gets to spend four weeks with her grown and married daughter just one on one. I loved it. She gave us her Wii with Wii fit! I am so excited. We just need to trade our tv for one with enough plugins for it to work. We're going to SD in July and we're trading with our daughter and son-in-law for theirs.

Now I'm home and this coming Monday I will have a meeting with Cara Campbell of Macon Resouces to work on my business plan for "You've got the Stuff" a "use what you have" decorating business. I plan to help people use the things they already own to make their home attractive. I think it is a good idea. People have made money on things like that and the economy is something that would be an advantage. I need to do a SWOT analysis and come up with the business plan. And I need to design a logo. That is the easy part.

I have also been introduced to the website fiverr. I will do .... for five dollars. The website gets one dollar and you make 4 for every transaction. I have looked at the site and I believe I have something someone would pay $5 for: Taking their picture that they provide and incorporate it into a masterpiece using photoshop. I have a magician friend who has been doing magic tricks on video for children over fiverr and has accumulated a nice amount of money in his bank account. So, I will see about it.

We have cancelled Satellite tv all together now. and we will be cancelling the Y as well. For ten dollars you can get a workout DVD and keep it. They really work. And I save the gas that I would have spent going to the Y. With gas prices the way they are... Also at Family Video you can get workout tapes for free to keep for a few days.

Walking is also free as is running. I just have to go somewhere off the highway to do such a thing.

So we are continuing to tighten our belts...although I have gained weight. Blast it! I'm looking for a summer dress or two that I can wear around the house and out on hot days. There seems to be a trend in STYLE magazine where summer dresses seem to be in again. I love dresses. If I can find a simple way of converting two identical t-shirts into one dress I will try that first, then CATO's

My most recent blog involved sending out letters that people tell you you should never send. Well I did it and one was returned. The letter to my old employer was sent back due to her having moved three years ago. I was so grateful! I reread it and realized I really shouldn't do anything so stupid on the spur of the moment.

The other letters, those to my family got where they were going. I had a phone call that requested I NEVER send a letter again, got a letter saying they had moved on, but I got two thumbs up from a couple of people on my husband's side of the family. When your family falls apart it is tough. When both sides are not talking to each other I get a feeling of being lost.

My religious views have not changed. I have had some correspondence from best friends who are helping me through what I see as a stone wall to my faith. I will correct that... my faith in God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost are as strong as ever, my faith in the institution is on shaky ground. I wish in a way that I never would have admitted my innermost feelings, but I couldn't do that and be honest. So I am doing the best I can. I may go to church tomorrow anyway. 85% of what I experience at church is positive. And I want to increase the love in my home again and have something in common with my husband again.

Today...today I will work out and go to the plasma center and donate.

Have a great day today!

Blowing it Big Time! They say you're not supposed to send the letter...

Seems like I've been having the most sleepless nights on record. Good fodder for doing stupid things. Like writing to a past employer things I always wanted to say and actually mailed it! WHAT?! you may ask. Yes, it's true.

There was an extremely difficult time in my life when a bomb was dropped on me the morning of an interview with said employer. My father unexpectedly passed away as I was getting ready to go to the interview. Blew my life apart. I couldn't get a plane ticket until the next day, and the Publisher was only going to be there that one day, It was March 11, 1999. I didn't know what to do. I was in shock. I couldn't go to comfort my mom, I couldn't do anything but try to take it in.

I had also baked and decorated a cake for a former co-worker in the same town because she became a new grandma. Stunned and numb, my husband drove, I figured if I could get to the newspaper and see my friends there, see how I do, if I was in any shape I would go on to the interview to be an art director for a book and magazine publishing company. I went. I remember one question, "Do you like to do research?" "Yes, I love researching things and I would be willing to find the best artists and styles and be cutting edge." That is all I remember about the interview. I think I mentioned something about HiLights magazine... I got the job. The then-current art director met with me and offered me the job, asked me what I paid my references to say the things they did and then I told her, My dad died this morning.

They wanted me to start work the following Monday so I could be trained by her in everything, but I said I needed to spend the time in California with my family so I missed my opportunity to be properly trained. And book publishing and newspaper publishing are as different as night and day. There is much more time for high quality work.

When that bomb went off in my life it was like, My house was just bombed, Now how do I do that color separation again? A job I have ingrained in my blood due to the years of graphics. My brain fell apart, my heart stopped, my life took a nose dive into a deep depression and I had a new job to do. My confidence was shot. The person who was supposed to do extraordinary work couldn't remember how to tie her shoes.

I was not your model employee, not the employee I had been that all my references knew. And all this company knew of me was broken. Bad turned to worse and between depression and attitude on all sides there were things I held resentment for and have held it in for years. I tried roll play, EMDR, therapy, talking it to death. I finally decided to set the record straight as far as my perspective in the way things went. I eventually resigned after going into the hospital due to suicidal Ideation. I was 'this' close. It was my dad who saved me, Christ really, but I knew that that was not what my dad would want, as much as I wanted to be with him.

So, I gave my former employer an explaination of maybe why I was the way I was, but things that I had left unsaid, I finally said. I addressed it, stamped it and my husband carried it to the mailbox for me with the other regular bills. He doesn't know about it. And now I am freaking out because, WHAT have I done? I can't think of one good thing that can come out of this. I thought it would take the burden off my shoulders, but instead it has stirred it up. Rather than put it to rest, I worry now about how she is going to receive my words. I am trying to be a good Christian and what have I done? I've done the thing that people always say they are going to do but don't because they value their job. It has been 11 years since I left, I only stayed with them for a year and a half but at the end I was ostracized. I know I have talked about that here before. But this time I told the person who was not in the building 75% of the time what went on, how I was treated, the depression, everything. And now I am "getting, getting that off my chest, off my chest" here.

If anyone reads this, please comment. I feel horrible. How do I send an "I'm sorry" card?

This has nothing to do with living like college students except the fact that I sent the letter is something someone in high school or college would do. I was just trying to put it to rest. What a mistake.

And that's all I have to say about that.

A new job, weeding, doubt but positive attitude.

Well, here we go again...another change. A 180 degree turn around from starting my own business and staying on disability. My goal has always been to get off of disability when the time was right. I have been out of the hospital for well over a year now and am feeling well. I was offered the job of a "weeder" for a place called Dynagraphics which does decals for automobiles, signs, you name it they can print it.

The "Weeder" takes the excess material off of decals that have been cut into the adhesive material. I met with the owners today and showed them my portfolio and they said that what they could offer me was not very much pay, $9.25 hr. and it would be full time, and nothing really to do with graphics, although they promote from within whenever possible. So they told me about the insurance option, vacation pay, one week in one year, two weeks after five. They showed me the production department and what I would be doing. It isn't hard, but you need fingernails to do it. There I have no problem. The "decals" are like the length of a car. Some are as small as 24" x 36".

I would need to stand all day in one place to do the work. That scares me more than anything. I haven't had a job that required that in at least 10 years. But I know I can do it. There, I will be positive about it! Done.

So the job is mine if I want it I need to give them my decision by tomorrow. And I already called my case worker and told her I would take it.

Bob figured out how much I would bring home a month, about a thousand take home pay. And if we put all of that to our bills we will be out of debt besides our house somehwat quickly.

Then I convinced him to donate plasma with me. So we can bring in $400 a month that way. Not bad for spending 45 minutes sitting down reading a book. That is what convinced him. Not that it isn't slightly uncomfortable, but it isn't enough to keep me from doing it.

As far as the job goes, I figure that would help me lose weight. It will help keep me on a consitent schedule of eating. Eat the right foods and that'll help. Bob said that we could share a ride to work at least three days a week. That will help us as far as gasoline is concerned.

I will not get on my high horse, I will not get on my high horse, I will not get on my high horse. Politics will not be part of this entry.

I have been writing, finishing Silent Witness and needing to interview people for the Museum Collection. I guess I will be doing that over the phone or on weekends.

I will try to do my "use what you have" decorating business evenings and weekends. When that takes off I will discontinue my job, even if it is only part time. I don't even know what I'm thinking taking a full time job! What is wrong with me?! I don't think I'm ready for that! Breathe...breathe...breathe... I will give it a try.

Bob said that we could put the plasma money to use as fun money or something, save for Christmas...whatever. I want to put it all toward bills and get the heck out of debt! Going to the movies once in a while will be okay. And he said I could get an iPod to listen to audio books while working, that is what the owner said people do. Perk! So now I will have to find one just right for me. That sounds fun!

Yesterday I hemmed three pairs of pants to wear for work or for an interview. Well, I will be wearing jeans to work, definitely. I'm happy I still fit into them, but my upper body carries most of my weight. That is frustrating. I still wish that I were more pear shaped like "normal" women, and have a neck and thinner face. Oh well, I will always resemble Magilla Gorilla. With nail polish.

And that's all I have to say about that. Until next time.

72 hour kits, starting a business, chickens and gardening

Hmm, well, it has been a while since I last wrote. I was venting over political and world events. I have been purposely staying away from such news as it does nothing more than aggravate the heck out of me! I do want to know what is going on in the world, but I think I was just overloaded during my last post.

We, my husband and I, each have a 72 hour kit that we keep in case of disaster. They are basic necessities, toiletries, first aid, food, clothing, folding cook stove, water supply, etc. These are contained in a regular backpack you can buy at Walmart. I have added my meds to each of them, They are equipped for two people if necessary. The news showing disasters world wide makes it very sensible to have one of these. Bob keeps his in the car, I think I will put mine there as well, so in case of a need to evacuate it will be in a good location. I suppose if the car is being worked on, I will just bring it home with me. I thought about carrying it around all the time, I mean, you never know where you will be when disaster strikes. But I'm keeping it in the car.

I know I have talked about giving plasma. It is really not much different than giving blood and a lot more rewarding in a couple ways. The center I go to there are about 24 stations of recliner-type chairs you sit on, and you're hooked to a machine. The blood is drawn, plasma is separated from your blood then your blood is returned to you through the same tube with saline to rehydrate. It takes about 45 minutes if you are a quick bleeder like I am. They tell you it can take anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half. I have yet to have it take an hour and a half.

The rewards? Well, there is an entirely new group of people you get to know. You see them and it becomes somewhat social. You are donating something that can't be manufactured to be used in drugs to save a life, and you are paid for your time. You get a good feeling knowing you are helping someone else. The money is electronically placed on a visa card that you can use at a store or call in to activate it with a PIN number so you can use it at an atm. I'm really happy that there is a center for this so close to us. But because I have come down with an infection I don't know if I'll be able to donate for a while, but I will continue to when I am able. If you have the place available for such a thing as this I would encourage it, if for nothing more than the good feeling you get. A few extra dollars to pay down some debt is a bonus.

I have decided to start a business. I'm going to call it, "You've Got the Stuff!", a "use what you have" concept for decorating. I will go into someone's home and we will "shop" their house and find the furniture, lamps, rugs, shelves, art work and I will arrange it and put the things on the walls in an attractive way. I've done this before for a few people and I was a set designer for many years both in Michigan and Iowa. Those are my credentials including the fact that I have been a graphic artist for 28 years both in regular jobs and freelance. So if you are interested or know of someone who is, let me know. I think it will be fun! I figure since I have been out of the traditional job market for ten years, I thought going on a new adventure is appropriate. So wish me luck.

Bob and I haven't been doing much of anything exciting really. I go to Next of Kiln ceramic studio and sculpt and glaze and paint preformed ceramic things at a low cost and gives me hours of enjoyment. With my illness, it is a self soothing exercise that I can afford. I have made a good friend in the owner of the shop, Regina Rhodes. We have just clicked from the first meeting. Going to her studio is like a kid in a candy store. Or to think of it, like me in a candy store.

We have saved money by renting movies in the "nearly new" section of the video store getting two movies for a $1 for five nights. We don't watch movies as our only source of entertainment. We are in the middle of a book that I'm reading aloud about a girl from Switzerland who ends up in the Canadian wilderness after an abusive childhood. It isn't graphic, just the way she starts out in life. We are not going to sign up for net flix I don't think although their advantage is they have a huge selection of titles whereas the video store only has so many. We'll see. We may sign up down the road.

This year we are going to vacation in our own yard. There are things we want to be doing, landscaping, felling a tree to have logs for around our firepit and we will be home in the fall to harvest our peaches and grapes. We have received blackberry bushes in the mail and hope they will bring something this year. We will be planting a garden and I will be doing canning for the first time. I am in a better place mentally. There were years that I couldn't even do laundry or wash the dishes because I was on the couch. I'm looking forward to a garden and canning. We are looking at getting chickens both for the eggs and to butcher if necessary. I'm hoping Bob will teach me how to fish in the river behind the house. We want to become much more self sufficient. Getting out of debt is just part of it.

We are also planning on getting a dog. We'll get one from a shelter who needs a home. I can hardly stand to go in there because I want to take them all home! But hopefully we will be able to find a golden retriever or other dog that communicates with us that "I hid under your porch because I love you" type of sentiment (from the movie UP!)

We are very proud of our daughter for getting a job offer she tried to, but couldn't really refuse. That will help her and her husband get out of debt faster than they are able to now.

I suppose buying chickens isn't something college students would do, and planting a garden might not be either, but we think it is something that will be good for us in the long run. And I have been waiting for my husband to teach me how to fish for 30 years. I actually cast a line a little over a week ago and reeled it in about five times, so I guess I didn't have to wait for him. And with a river behind the house I won't wait for him. We have poles, I am going to do it myself. Then go "eww" when I learn how to clean the fish.

And that's all I have to say about that. Till next time, have a great day!

State park, graphics, Washington Post, genius, & a white flag

To begin, welcome to my blog! So nice of you to stop in. I'm trying to find ways to live on less and get out of debt. Living like college students (my husband and I) is what we are trying to do. So I like to find things that cost nothing that are fun to do. One of those things I love is taking pictures. I met up with a couple of friends, just getting to know them so I feel a little precarious in the situation, but we had a good time. We went to Weldon Springs state park near Clinton, IL. BEAUTIFUL! I can't wait to take Bob there. There are tent, trailer and RV camping spots, day camping areas and group camps. There is a large...huge lake, (bigger than Pollmiller, smaller than Lake Michigan and Lake Decatur). We first met and had hotdogs for lunch over a fire then s'mores. After that we took off on a hike. I didn't realize just how big the lake was and we went all around it.

Great walking trails, places to fish, checked out some camping spots and found a couple of snakes. Baby ones. Down one creek on the shore were John boats and paddle boats. I used to use a John boat to preserve what sanity I had at the time by rowing out on Pollmiller lake in Westpoint, IA. But this lake is one I could really get a workout in and float about for hours. I don't know how much these will rent for, but the ones at Pollmiller cost $5 an hour or $10 per day. It also cost $1 to get in. This park is free admission. I look forward to more hikes, boat rides and photos in the future. I'd like to go to see the Chevrolet car museum soon. I'm not crazy about cars, but my husband says it's amazing. Two forms of entertainment for little or nothing.

I got up at 6 a.m. this morning and checked out a couple of terms in graphics so the company I applied to wouldn't think I'm an entire idiot if called in for an interview. I haven't worked with RIP raster image processing or large digital UVCurable flatbed printers, so I looked them up and feel confident that given a short amount of time that I would be able to work with both. We'll see if they actually have a short amount of time in which to have someone learning on the job. But I sent off my resume this morning. The job is in Arthur, nine miles away and is a well kept secret because it sounds like they do quite a big job in that tiny town of a mostly Amish community.

And now I need to set up a small soap box on the corner of my blog here. I read an article by Cal Thomas who was refering to the attitude of mainstream media and how out of touch with people they are. He went back to a 1993 column where he commented on Michael Weisskopf who said in the Washington Post that evangelicals were "largely poor, uneducated and easy to command." This is taken out of context, but many so called uneducated evangelicals who are professionals wrote in to counter his claim where upon he changed his statement saying he meant to say that "most" evangelicals were "poor, uneducated and easy to command." This triggered several more protests so the Post ombudsman at the time, Joann Bird tried to defend Weisskopf by saying that readers needed to understand that most journalists don't know any of "those people." And, Cal Thomas says, "And the big media wonder why they are losing audiences, money and credibility."

Sarah Palin on facebook had the heading of her article, which I didn't read, as: "Mainstream media, should we wave the white flag or persist?" It is so disheartening to know that the mainstream media is so liberal, does not show both sides, like a pile driver hammering their points into the collective head of Americans who actually believe their propoganda. It makes one feel like throwing up ones hands and saying, "go ahead, lets be socialists, I believe Obama, of course we aren't up to our necks in debt, the stimulus worked, healthcare isn't going to cost us anything, we are much better off than we were two years ago, Obama has created a million jobs! (don't know where they are) possibly they are in the billions of dollars of redundancies in Washington..." I don't want to give up. But when the left throws out its epithets no one in the media gives a crap! Try putting any of their words in a Conservative's mouth and they would be stoned! Double standards everywhere.

NPR supporter George Soros donated $1 Billion dollars to the tax payer funded radio outlet. And the tax payers are still paying in spite of their decreasing staff due to outrageous statements unfortunately caught on tape. A ficticious person claiming to be part of the Muslim Brotherhood was caught on tape offering to donate $5 million and the person with NPR said they didn't necessarily have to report that to the IRS...(I am not in favor of secret taping)

South Park's creators' toilets have finally overflowed and they have a new broadway musical out called "The Book of Mormon." Athiests trashing the "cheesy" church and its members. "We could have picked anyone, Muslim, or mainstream Christian but Mormons just smile and their commercials are so cheesy it was an easy pick." Touting four letter words in the lyrics and bathroom humor which so many high school sophomores and younger appreciate, they should be in line for a Tony.

Crossroads GPS organization has filed a lawsuit against the Obama Administration for failing to respond to their FOIs (Freedom of Information act requests) which every American citizen has a right to file. They wanted information about the cost of the Andy Griffith ad that touted Obamacare. It cost the taxpayers $3,600,000 for that advertisement. And the administration was not forthcoming about the cost. It should take 20 days after a FOI request is filed for that information to be processed and then received. The Obama Administration has not been complying with that law on several accounts from both Liberal and Conservative standpoints. Crossroads also wants to know where $120 million dollars and more that was donated to the Obama and Democratic campaigns were from labor unions and why are these entities entitled to waivers allowing them to not participate in the Healthcare plan. Who exactly is eligible for waivers?

There is a 12 year old University student (He was a University student at the age of 8) is trying to disprove the big bang theory. An incredible genius he learned all his high school math including trigonomotry and Calculus in one week, he has turned to the astonomical scientific question of how the world began and has some intelligent ideas backed by scientific fact. I'd like to see him work on disproving global warming personally, but proving God exists is a much more worthy cause.

As I have said here in so many words before, I am in the process of defining my beliefs. I believe in an all-knowing, all-powerful, Almighty God whose son is Jesus Christ. He died for my sins and all who have ever lived on the planet. I worship Him and try to live His words. I believe that these are the last days and the line has been drawn in the sand. I want to be standing on the right side of equation here. I don't think trashing Mormons is the way to go, I don't think trashing evangelicals in general is the way, I don't think withholding information when you are an administration is the way to get into God's graces either. I admire a genius who questions the believed theory that we came from utter nothingness. His question: "I'm not worried about the hydrogen and the helium, it is the carbon that is lacking." His IQ is higher than Einstein's and he is expanding on Einsteins theory of relativity, but in his spare time is solving this problem. There is talk from one of his professors that this child could win the Nobel prize, and there are some who say, well, give it to him now if we give the award out to those with good intentions, i.e. Obama.

I don't want my taxes to go to corrupt organizations which I think NPR is, or a Healthcare bill that had to be passed before we could know what was in it.

Off my soap box. I just want to manage my life, do a little good, get out of debt, enjoy my family, do honest work and worship God. When I get up at 6 a.m. and see this mess, not the genius I think that is incredible, but the corruption and arrogance, it makes me want to go back to bed and give it up. Put up the white flag so to speak. But this is still a free country and I'm not shutting my mouth.