A Slight Detour

My journey to wellness is taking a detour. I am very sick and can't continue with the supplements as planned. This is a huge disappointment. I am being treated for infection, imflamation and another condition. The pain killers are making a dent, but I am making slow progress on getting well.

After talking this over with my doctor, counselor and my husband I have had to make the decision to wait until another time to pursue this goal. I am now a walking medicine cabinet. Monday I will begin taking my psych meds at higher dosages.

I am in depression and physically ill. Trying to repair the house and prepare to sell it without my husband here is difficult under ordinary circumstances. Add the illnesses to it and it feels nearly impossible. To take my meds at the current dosages I have to open the pills and count out beads or dump one capsule and use a knife to separate the contents into half, then a fourth, then an eigth, subtract the eigth and pour the remaining back into the capsule. Here I am whining. The fact is, I haven't been able to eat due to both the illness and depression and my hands shake. Trying to count out beads in the palm of my hand, I can't concentrate enough to do it. Shaking makes me spill. I have been doing it and will continue until I get my doctor's orders Monday.

I will take vitamins on a regular basis, not the amount I have been at. I'm a little nervous about how my brain will react to the adjustment. I was instructed to go off of the supplements and back up to my regular dosages. That will be quite a jump. That is why I am waiting until Monday so that I can do this under doctor's supervision. Vitamins are not stored in the body, so once I stop taking the supplements, my brain will need something to help with my bi-polar disorder.

I will continue to take the Amino acids when I feel anxiety as well as inositol powder. Those seem to help even while I am at this point. I will get well. I have to. As I talked with the counselor about the supplements she told me that with everything on my plate right now, this is not a good time. This needs to be done when you have few responsibilities and the opportunity to have plenty of rest. Rest in order for the brain to heal. That is what is happening to the brain, and it is not an easy process. She told me that this last reduction was very difficult and that the following reductions would only get harder. I hate to admit defeat, so I won't, I will just take this on at a later date. I have had too many tastes of normal to want to accept the psych med reality. I will slap the bandaid back on for now, and tackle this later.

For those of you who have read along with my journey, thank you for your support. I will not be needing to record any longer this transition. Hopefully it will be within the year my husband and I will have sold this house, be back together in another one. If I could fast forward to the eventuality of that reality I would. But for now I must have patience and take care of myself while going through these stressors.

I'm acutely aware of the love shown me by others and my responsibility to remember that when I am down. Failure is not an option.

Two Blogs in One Day

Two posts in one day. I have to type. I am still having physical illness and those symptoms and I am wavering between anxiety and depression.

Earlier I went out and shoveled so I could get out to go to the Y if I could. Now I am miserable, feeling very alone and am scared. I just had to get that out. I've called my specialist about my infection/imflamation and am waiting to hear back. My psychologist's office called about an hour ago and she wants to talk to me over the phone since I left her my message. I wasn't even in depression when I left the message. Now, I feel so overwhelmed and on edge. Here I am trying to get our house ready to sell, making repairs and feeling like crap. There is nothing very uplifting about that. I have noticed that my anxiety and depression are coming in waves much the same as grief.

When I was working in graphics full time, on my birthday, to cheer me up, two friends got on the internet and started asking me what year I was born, when my husband's birthday was, my wedding date, etc. and they were to get my fortune. When they got the results, they said they couldn't tell me. Finally they did. My fortune said, "You will grieve for the rest of your life." That was 10 years ago.

There that feels better.

Reducing Meds, Managing Issues

Ah, just had a good breakfast after a nice shower. A pleasant morning following a tough night. The sun is shining today on the winter blanket outside. We have a record for number of days with snow on the ground at 62 (not consecutive thankfully).

Our upstairs bathroom is torn up but the leak has been found and is an easy fix. The downstairs bathroom isn't working very well right now, a problem with the toilet and that now needs to be fixed. Friday the tub upstairs and toilet will be taken out, and hopefully Monday the new floor can be put in. Maybe Saturday I will get the mural up. My back is knotting up with stress. I am going to get a massage on Friday. I haven't had a massage in two years. That is how much I hurt.

I was able to make a reduction to my meds beginning last night. I am now off of Lamictal, down from original 300mg. My Geodon is now at 120, Wellbutrin is 150, Clonazapam is still at .5 and Effexor is now at 112.5mg. I called my doctor's office with the new reduced amounts. He was out of the office but the nurse asked if I had any self harm thoughts. No. That was easy. I find that I can get down in the evenings so I have upped my amino acids and inositol powder. That is supposed to help with anxiety.

I woke up this morning at 4:00, checked out facebook, read a friend's blog and went back to bed. Then once I was up again at 6:30 I started packing away more stuff and throwing out things. I have little doubt that we will still move some "junk" but I am really trying to keep that to a minimum. My husband is very sentimental and so am I actually. So I must keep some things kind of sacred. I came across a couple things this morning that just by touching them brought back the feeling of a day. That is a certain kind of magic, especially when you haven't seen something in so long. I have learned that things are just that, things. The most important part of our lives are our relationships and the people we love. Tactile reminders are nice but too many of them overwhelm our lives I think. That is what I am trying to manage, categorizing them and giving away the useful things that we don't need anymore.

I got an interesting phone call yesterday. The Lord works in mysterious ways. I am grateful for that. Kind of a new chapter in a difficult story. I won't be seeing my psychologist tomorrow but I have left a message about this and my medication update. My appointments are a habit I am trying to replace. It is a close relationship. She knows more about me than anyone in the world just about. I know I have shared close and somewhat intimate details here that I kind of regret, but there it is. My psychologist has been able to help me sort through a tremendous amount of baggage. This phone call just opened a door to a room I hadn't visited for a while. Not a bad thing, but I can become flooded with emotion in association with this issue. Just knowing how I can get makes me feel somewhat self-aware. I'm sure I will manage this.

In Gratitude: I'm thankful for my friends and family who are so supportive. My husband and what he does and his incredible compassion and patience which are priceless. I thank God for His hand in my life even with my questions and uncertainties. I know Christ loves me and is there always.

Have a great day. Spring has got to be just around the corner!

Boring Stuff

It is sunny and white out. Lots of snow and I don't have the energy to shovel. Still in pain but much better than a week ago. I know I will have to force myself outside to clear the path to our door and driveway. Living out in the country gives me an advantage I guess. I wouldn't think of not shoveling if I had a sidewalk to take care of. But I have my daughter's fiance coming over today and he'll need a place to park. The difference between winter and summer is that although both may be uncomfortable at least in summer you don't have to shovel it.

I'm feeling shaky today, yesterday was good until about 4p.m. when I started having some anxiety and late night having depression. I slept in after going to sleep to Bill Murray in "What About Bob?" I love that movie. Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a scizzophreic and so am I. I'm not scizzophrenic, but I love the humor in the movie. I've been told I have Dissociative Identity Disorder or Multiple Personality Disorder. There has only been one instance of a different identity and that was during an inpatient stay being placed under hypnosis by my therapist. If there were other episodes I sure don't know of any. Hey, if you ever see my post and it is written by a five year old let me know!

goals for today are to shovel, pack, clean and have Travis paint the cupboards in the kitchen. The upstairs bathroom has a cavernous hole about 6'x 4' due to a pipe being fixed. I don't know where the project stands but I'm glad it is getting taken care of. Bummer of a way to have to fix a pipe. Oh well, this is an old farm house at least 115 years old.

I feel as though I'm on a mission taking these supplements. Searching for health knowing there are mine fields of depression along the way. At least knowing that makes it easier.

Shaking has stopped. Pain hasn't but I need to go shovel. I will be talking with my counselor today and may be reducing meds again. I'll let you know tomorrow.

In Gratitude: Having the house worked on, the plumbing, etc. Last night I had to fix the toilet downstairs. And I began to feel stressed. Then I thought: I have a home, heat, food, and running water. Things are stressful but my basic needs are met. I have more than what so many people in the world are lacking. And I am grateful.

A Daily Gauge

It is amazing the difference a day can make. I'm feeling better today. That is the way with mental illness, down one day and better the next, it is a roller coaster. So far I have only had a few days of depression since beginning this transition. Tomorrow I will probably reduce again. I am off of Alprazolam, and will shortly be off clonazapam and Lamictal. My physical pain has mostly subsided, but I am going to be taking it easy today as well. We have an inch of snow and are expected to get 5-7 more inches tomorrow. I have errands to run today and the snowplow just went past the house. So maybe I will get out of here for a while today.

I spent yesterday in bed or on the couch. Depression was there but looking at it as part of the process of a hopeful life made it much easier to deal with. If I can have up days interspersed that will be enough to keep me going. As I posed the question to a friend, "what choice do I have?" I have to keep going.

It is easy when I am in a deep depression to wish life were over. I have faith in the logic of this treatment. My brain is not right and needs to heal. I will give myself time and love and patience to accomplish this. It doesn't mean I won't have days where I want to cry. I'm sure I will. But through all of the coping skills I have learned to incorporate in dealing with this personal trial, I can acknowledge that it is a feeling that will pass. The frustrating thing is: when? These few days of anxiety and depression have shown me that they have been mostly short lived.

I'm not feeling up to par today but I am feeling well enough to get some cleaning done. Again, if I can get four to five things done on my daily routine that is a successful day. 1)make the bed; 2)open the shades; 3)wash a load of clothes; 4)wash dishes; and 5)take a shower. This is a basic list. If I can't accomplish these five things, I know I need to take care of myself, grab a book and redirect. The next day I will be able to do all of these things and 15 more or so. I just must have a routine. It is a good gauge.

Today I have an eye appointment, need to buy printer ink and check out a consignment shop for any cash I have earned. I'm going to try to take on the sunroom on a snowy day. I also might have our friend fix the upstairs plumbing today. I hope that can be accomplished. Just having a to do list shows me that there is a future.

In Gratitude: Feeling blessed to live in this free land of ours, at a time when this treatment is available. I'm grateful for my husband and his job and what a good man he is, his compassion for me and others. I'm thankful that I have a doctor who is open minded to this treatment. I'm thankful for the doctors who have treated my current illness and the medication that has helped. I pray for others who are suffering. Have a great day!

Every Breakthrough Has a Process

I've decided to sleep this illness off. I've been struggling with the pain and symptoms for two weeks and the best thing I can do is to give my body a complete rest. So I will write and go back to bed. Maybe I'll put in a movie and sleep to that. That sounds like a plan.

Yesterday was pretty horrible. I had anxiety most of the day and depression the majority of the night. The feeling of "why me?" and I got the answer: why not me? Everyone has their thing. This is mine. I also had a bout of being so afraid of this process that I wanted to give up. If feeling the anxiety and depression that I had last night was any indication of what was to come I wanted to stop. My husband and some friends stepped in to encourage me and for the moment feel better.

I slept in and then got up and took some tylenol P.M. so I could sleep this day through. I think my depression was a self-fullfilling prophecy. I was worried about protracted withdrawal and ended up facing depression. It was just as real however. I don't know if it was organic or fear, I just know I was miserable.

I went to the Y yesterday to get myself out and try to shape up. I was able to only work out for 15 minutes and I was done. That was when I realized that I had not kicked this illness yet. I tried to drive to Staples 30 miles away to get printer ink, but my body just couldn't do it and I turned around and came home.

Today, my mind is clearer than yesterday and I am not depressed. I guess I would really just like a miracle to take all of this pain and process away. But I need to be patient. I have been flooding my body with chemicals for ten years, I can't expect it to resolve itself overnight. Withdrawal is going to have to happen. Now I wish I had never gone on medication at all. But there is no point in wishing that. I just have to live with the hand dealt me. Meds were the only answer for me at the time, and now I have to have faith that what I am doing is the correct path.

I've got a contented cat sitting on my lap as I type. She is very accomodating in letting me be an uncomfortable lopsided surface for her. I'm going back to the Shawshenk Redemption idea of breaking through the wall. Getting through the wall was the first step, wading through the crap was the next. I imagine that in the future when I am well and whole, there will be supplements that are just what the body needs in counteracting the withdrawal symptoms, but there isn't a set of fool-proof recommendations yet. Every medical breakthrough came with people going through a painful process. I can do this. I've survived this long, I can do this.

In Gratitude: I'm grateful someone discovered this treatment as imperfect as it is. I'm happy that God watches over me and helps me through each day. I'm thankful for my family and friends and the support and love they supply.

About Protracted Withdrawal

Last night I had a high level of anxiety. I didn't let it get the best of me. I am praying that the skills I have learned will get me through the roughest times yet to come. It is a beautiful morning, the sun is out and we got snow overnight, but I woke up to birds chirping. No pain today so far. Thank you God. Today I am feeling quite solid. A great way to start the day. I'm planning on going to the Y today, do a cross ramp eliptical and lift some weights. My weight has stayed down during this time but I really need to shape up again.

I am however now officially scared. I read up on Protracted Withdrawal. This is what happens once psychotropic meds leave your brain. When first put on a p-drug the doctor will tell you that it will take three to six weeks to begin seeing a difference. I have discovered why. For the first three weeks the medication is bonding to cells and are not free to float around and be used by the brain. They are stored in the muscles and tissues saturating them. Once those cells are saturated the medication can act on the brain. Protracted withdrawal is what happens when the brain is not getting those medications, they eventually release from the tissues and are free floating again. Once off of the medications and on the supplements the brain feels healthy again. But since the brain is healthy, the release of pmeds into the bloodstream can evidence as drug interaction or overdose. There is nothing to be done to get the drug out of the body except go through the withdrawal, drink lots of water and protein shakes.

The scariest thing is that the symptoms experienced are those for which the drug was initially introduced. I went to the message boards on the truehope web site and looked it up. I am committed to this treatment. And I am terrified. My symptoms in the past have been suicidal ideation, anxiety, depression, paranoia and fear. I'm not too keen on facing those again. I still feel that healing the brain is what has to happen, but I'm in for a long haul in fighting these other symptoms. I know that there is no other way to get these things out of my system except to follow it all the way through. So with what time I have that is good, I will spend getting the house ready for sale and work on my novel. I will include self soothing into my daily life so it is a habit when the worst times come. Since I don't know how well I will do in the coming months, I must act now while still above water.

Prayer is something that helps me tremendously. I feel a reassurance that I will not be left alone even if I may feel that way at times. I have survived to this point and I will make it with God's help.

In Gratitude: I'm thankful for the sun shining today, blue skies and a furnace that works. I'm grateful for your prayers and good thoughts that are with me through this journey.

The Power of Choice

Its a good day to stay inside. We have about an inch of snow on the ground, nothing terrible, just a nice day to do some packing, cleaning and reading. I won't venture out to the Y today, I'll do some exercise here at home. I'm still having some pain, but it is easing.

The first thing done this morning was making a call to my counselor in med reduction. Clonazapam is now at .50; Effexor at 140.63; Geodon: 150; Lamictal: 75 and Wellbutrin 187.5. These dosages are in milligrams.

I had a good night's sleep, dreamt about Disneyland and being the first one in the park to choose any ride I wanted. Choices are good. I would like to be able to go to Disneyland again, I used to go several times a year when I was growing up in Los Angeles. My friend Janna and I spent a lot of money, because we each had jobs and were living at home with no rent. Those were the days. We had a blast!

One time we decided to empty our pockets of our funds and before leaving the park used everything we had to buy as many huge Mickey Mouse ear balloons as we could afford. Not the wisest choice as we had to travel home in Janna's pickup. Driving down the 605 we got pulled over. We had nine mouse ear helium balloons in Jannas cab and hanging out her windows. It was night. The officer walked up to us laughing. I had about 4 balloons corralled holding them down in the cab. The officer asked us, "Can you even SEE out your windows?" "Not really." Janna said. We were laughing pretty hard ourselves. The officer suggested we get rid of some of them. So what else were we supposed to do? The only answer involved inhaling them! That was a waste of hard earned cash but the memory has lasted a lifetime. I'm glad we didn't get into an accident due to such poor judgement. I'm sure it was one of the officer's more enjoyable tasks that week.

Choice is a powerful thing. I'm glad I have the opportunity now to choose my course of treatment. With the healthcare debate and plans being so covert at the capital, I don't know what my choices will be in the future, therefore I'm glad I have the chance to exercise my agency regarding my treatment now.

We are in a land of choice, we have freedom, but people with mental illness are prisoners to paranoia, anxiety, depression, stigma, loss of respect and alienation. Things don't have to be that way. If I can make it through these med reductions and become healthier because of them, what a wonderful consequence.

I hope that my progress gives someone else hope. It has proved to be the right thing for me and God has blessed me with few side effects. I have heard and read that this process can be very difficult, I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but it is a path I choose.

A Normal Conversation

Today I met with my psychologist in person up in Iowa City. I brought her my symptom evaluation form which also lists my medications and dosages as well as supplement usage and symptoms.

We talked about renovating the house, what to keep and throw away. How we both believe that the things in our homes should only be beautiful, useful or sentimental and if they don't fall into one of those categories they can be tossed. We spent time talking about the past weekend.

This isn't normal psychological therapy. We have done EMDR which is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing where, in my case, I have ear sensors and hand sensors that cause the eyes move in the direction of pulses to replicate REM sleep. Through this process I can go back into a memory to see it from an adult perspective and change the way I feel about it. It is widely used. I have not been treated with that technique for quite some time, it can become so vivid. We have focused on dialectical behavioral therapy which includes distress tolerance strategies. We have done a technique called PEET, which is a technigue in helping move through distress emotions, And often I just talk. This was different.

Anyway, I'm equipped. I'm bringing up the old, "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" again. When someone says that to me it is an insult to my intelligence. If they had any idea of how many skills I have employed in a day just to stay above water, their head would blow up. However most of my symptoms are gone though I have found myself with racing thoughts where I can now step back, see it for what it is and calmly redirect myself.

It was nice talking about things in a "normal" conversational manner. Dwelling on how to get my house in order, putting things in perspective and in their correct priority. Mental health number one, staying well, getting the house ready to sell. In that order. I had a checkup with a specialist and was given the okay sign that the infection is gone, but the pain may remain with me for a while yet. So I am taking it easy today, will work out tomorrow and I expect to be back in shape within a week or so. I got derailed for a couple weeks but I will be back in line soon enough.

I cancelled my psychologist appointment for next week and will keep the one on the 18th. This is significant progress. We began scheduling things weekly when I was in such depression I nearly drove my car into oncoming traffic. It has been weekly sessions since that time. She sees marked improvement and sees no reason for my coming in weekly for the time being. That is a major step. I am now at every other week.

I am grateful for my daughter and the love she has for me and the person she is. I'm happy that she has someone who is kind to her and loves her and someone that she loves as well. I'm happy that she and I get along so well. What a blessing.

Have a great day!

Picture of the Day Journal

Several years ago I had a "picture of the day" journal. I would take at least one photo every day and when the pics were developed I entered them into a scrapbook. That was fun. It was a takeoff of a gratitude journal that I had started keeping. I'm very visually inclined and so it was fun to take a picture of something beautiful each day. It is surprising just what goes on in a day. I got a picture of my daughter in a red convertible with three Elvis's at a car lot, two elves at the scrapbook store, Thing One and Thing Two at a Barnes and Noble; Flags at half mast when Reagan died, barren ground after harvest and an ice storm, Spring flowers, and 360 others. It turned out to be about 11 scrapbooks.

I think I will start doing that again. Now that we have a digital camera and I am a graphic artisit, importing them and arranging on the computer will make it even more fun. Writing this blog gives me a chance to put down my thoughts on Bi-Polar disorder and more than that, my philosophies of the moment. I think I will incorporate my gratitude journal along with this. Give one sentence or paragraph dedicated to things for which I am grateful. Maybe I will,,down the line start putting in my picture of the day! Even thinking this way is a good sign. I am enthused about it.

The past week and a half have been difficult especially with the infection and inflamation going on. Today I see the specialist and I pray that I will get something that really helps the pain but more specifically fixes the underlying cause.

In spite of that I am feeling up today. I had a good night's sleep which goes a long way in lifting your spirits. I actually slept until 9 a.m. That is very late for me. My life of staying up until all hours went away when I started taking so many medications. I would get wiped out by 7 p.m. Now I am going to bed this week early just because I would rather sleep through most of my physical pain. I don't feel groggy or wiped out due to the meds. I usually get up by 5:30 or 6:00. I am just wide awake and ready for the day. Hopefully in the future I won't need to have my bedtime dictated to me by my medications.

The sun is shining again today. Every day of sunshine makes winter easier. It seems to make everything a little more endurable. Although I love days where it rains in summertime. Something about it is so calming.

My gratitude for today is: Having friends and family which I know are keeping me in their thoughts and prayers during this stressful time, looking out for me and helping in our renovation. Those of you who read this uplift my spirit as well. Thank you.

Have a great day!

A Clean Sweep

Happy Groundhog Day! Looks like we'll have eight more weeks of winter. It's Tuesday morning and last night was rough. Couldn't sleep until exhaustion overtook me around 2 a.m. Still fighting my illness but doing much better. Thankfully. I have an appointment with a specialist tomorrow. Hopefully I can get straightened out.

I called Truehope this morning and did not have my meds reduced, they are going to keep me here for a few more days. Maybe I will have another great day before I reduce again. Today I will go to Lowes and pick up the paint for our upstairs bathroom. Very excited about what the end result will be. It is all a process. Things will be better looking than they are now and knowing I have help in both the house and my transition makes me feel less overwhelmed.

All of what is going on is symbolic of the changes going on within. Physically moving to a new place with a fresh start is in essence what I am doing with my meds. Giving my mind a clean slate, and keeping only the best of the best. My daughter wants to do a "clean sweep" of our kitchen and she has my permission. I will be out of town and she and her fiance will come and take out everything she thinks we don't need. Then she'll put everything in a box and only if I ask about something will she bring it back in. I am so excited about that. She can take on the rest of the house if she wishes too!

So my house will get a clean sweep and I'm sweeping my brain of these toxic drugs. I am getting to that crucial six week mark where patients "wake up". I don't think I have done too many things in the past that will come back to bite me, I hope not. There are some things that I have done in the past that were very poor choices, no doubt about it. I guess we'd all like to forget a lot of the things we have done at one time or another. I think one of the keys of moving on is forgiveness. Just as we forgive others without much thought, we are toughest on ourselves. I am committed to the idea of forgiving myself for my past actions. Not all of them have been done while I was in my right mind. A lot of things were done out of desperation. But being able to step back and look at it like that will take a bit of concentration. I know how easily I can be swept into a feeling. Guilt and grief are right out there and two of the easiest emotions for me to fall into. I hope I can look at things objectively.

It is getting easier to discard items. That can be symbolic as well. For everything I discard in the house I know I can discard certain behaviors and grudges that I have hung on to for so long. I'm hoping for a feeling of lightness; lightness of heart and mind. The fewer things you posess the fewer ties to materialistic things you have. I want to dwell on simplicity, family and eternity.

That's all for today. Have a great one!

More Than a Glimmer of Hope

I'm not quite back to my old self, but starting to feel a little better. Maybe I can go to the Y tomorrow or Wednesday. Tomorrow I will more than likely be reducing medication again. I am learning to sense when it is time. I was so busy today, my daughter and her fiance were here painting and I was packing things, we finally got the Christmas tree down! The house looks empty when you are painting and then you have the big gap where the tree was sitting. I suppose, it is almost Valentine's day. Time to put Christmas things away.

It was a good day, lots of working together and visiting. Now it is just me and this journal entry. Everyday gets me closer to freedom from medication. It is going much quicker than I expected. I was expecting months, not weeks. But it is going well. At my last Psych appointment some of my prescriptions needed to be renewed. I don't think I am going to need refills again. What a wonderful thing.

It is snowing out and my daughter said that it is looking bad up their way. Hopefully the weather will be good by Thursday so I can visit with my psychologist face to face. She is nearly as excited about this breakthrough treatment as I am. I know that this is new to her as well, and is amazed that someone like me, who has never been able to reduce medications without severe consequences, can be doing this and not hospitalized at the same time. If I were to go in, I don't know how my brain could handle an INCREASE! That would be insane. I never thought it could be possible to do this and be as well as I am. Yes, I am stressed with everything going on, getting ready to sell the house and doing this as the same time...probably not my wisest decision, but I'm doing it and it is working.

If we wait around for things to be perfect before we do anything, nothing will ever get done. I'm taking the opportunity I have at this time in spite of the fact that it is not perfect. My body is stiff from not working out, tired of being sick and yet I feel grateful for the supplements and that they are available to me.

Several years ago after having spent two weeks at a psychiatric hospital's trauma unit in Kansas City, Missouri, I went to St. Joseph, MO to the Glore Psychiatric hospital museum. Housed in a former psych hospital, this museum was a trip in time that showed all of the different ways mental illness had been treated over centuries. Thank God I am here now. I had a dream not too long ago that I was in a mental hospital and was taken to a door. Behind that door was a place for those who were beyond help. All they did was unlock the door, send the person in and locked the door behind them. There was screaming. I have always, since first evidence of mental illness, have had the fear of being untreatable and only to be left alone in the hospital. There is more than a glimmer of hope now.

And with that, I'll say good night.