To begin, welcome to my blog! So nice of you to stop in. I'm trying to find ways to live on less and get out of debt. Living like college students (my husband and I) is what we are trying to do. So I like to find things that cost nothing that are fun to do. One of those things I love is taking pictures. I met up with a couple of friends, just getting to know them so I feel a little precarious in the situation, but we had a good time. We went to Weldon Springs state park near Clinton, IL. BEAUTIFUL! I can't wait to take Bob there. There are tent, trailer and RV camping spots, day camping areas and group camps. There is a large...huge lake, (bigger than Pollmiller, smaller than Lake Michigan and Lake Decatur). We first met and had hotdogs for lunch over a fire then s'mores. After that we took off on a hike. I didn't realize just how big the lake was and we went all around it.
Great walking trails, places to fish, checked out some camping spots and found a couple of snakes. Baby ones. Down one creek on the shore were John boats and paddle boats. I used to use a John boat to preserve what sanity I had at the time by rowing out on Pollmiller lake in Westpoint, IA. But this lake is one I could really get a workout in and float about for hours. I don't know how much these will rent for, but the ones at Pollmiller cost $5 an hour or $10 per day. It also cost $1 to get in. This park is free admission. I look forward to more hikes, boat rides and photos in the future. I'd like to go to see the Chevrolet car museum soon. I'm not crazy about cars, but my husband says it's amazing. Two forms of entertainment for little or nothing.
I got up at 6 a.m. this morning and checked out a couple of terms in graphics so the company I applied to wouldn't think I'm an entire idiot if called in for an interview. I haven't worked with RIP raster image processing or large digital UVCurable flatbed printers, so I looked them up and feel confident that given a short amount of time that I would be able to work with both. We'll see if they actually have a short amount of time in which to have someone learning on the job. But I sent off my resume this morning. The job is in Arthur, nine miles away and is a well kept secret because it sounds like they do quite a big job in that tiny town of a mostly Amish community.
And now I need to set up a small soap box on the corner of my blog here. I read an article by Cal Thomas who was refering to the attitude of mainstream media and how out of touch with people they are. He went back to a 1993 column where he commented on Michael Weisskopf who said in the Washington Post that evangelicals were "largely poor, uneducated and easy to command." This is taken out of context, but many so called uneducated evangelicals who are professionals wrote in to counter his claim where upon he changed his statement saying he meant to say that "most" evangelicals were "poor, uneducated and easy to command." This triggered several more protests so the Post ombudsman at the time, Joann Bird tried to defend Weisskopf by saying that readers needed to understand that most journalists don't know any of "those people." And, Cal Thomas says, "And the big media wonder why they are losing audiences, money and credibility."
Sarah Palin on facebook had the heading of her article, which I didn't read, as: "Mainstream media, should we wave the white flag or persist?" It is so disheartening to know that the mainstream media is so liberal, does not show both sides, like a pile driver hammering their points into the collective head of Americans who actually believe their propoganda. It makes one feel like throwing up ones hands and saying, "go ahead, lets be socialists, I believe Obama, of course we aren't up to our necks in debt, the stimulus worked, healthcare isn't going to cost us anything, we are much better off than we were two years ago, Obama has created a million jobs! (don't know where they are) possibly they are in the billions of dollars of redundancies in Washington..." I don't want to give up. But when the left throws out its epithets no one in the media gives a crap! Try putting any of their words in a Conservative's mouth and they would be stoned! Double standards everywhere.
NPR supporter George Soros donated $1 Billion dollars to the tax payer funded radio outlet. And the tax payers are still paying in spite of their decreasing staff due to outrageous statements unfortunately caught on tape. A ficticious person claiming to be part of the Muslim Brotherhood was caught on tape offering to donate $5 million and the person with NPR said they didn't necessarily have to report that to the IRS...(I am not in favor of secret taping)
South Park's creators' toilets have finally overflowed and they have a new broadway musical out called "The Book of Mormon." Athiests trashing the "cheesy" church and its members. "We could have picked anyone, Muslim, or mainstream Christian but Mormons just smile and their commercials are so cheesy it was an easy pick." Touting four letter words in the lyrics and bathroom humor which so many high school sophomores and younger appreciate, they should be in line for a Tony.
Crossroads GPS organization has filed a lawsuit against the Obama Administration for failing to respond to their FOIs (Freedom of Information act requests) which every American citizen has a right to file. They wanted information about the cost of the Andy Griffith ad that touted Obamacare. It cost the taxpayers $3,600,000 for that advertisement. And the administration was not forthcoming about the cost. It should take 20 days after a FOI request is filed for that information to be processed and then received. The Obama Administration has not been complying with that law on several accounts from both Liberal and Conservative standpoints. Crossroads also wants to know where $120 million dollars and more that was donated to the Obama and Democratic campaigns were from labor unions and why are these entities entitled to waivers allowing them to not participate in the Healthcare plan. Who exactly is eligible for waivers?
There is a 12 year old University student (He was a University student at the age of 8) is trying to disprove the big bang theory. An incredible genius he learned all his high school math including trigonomotry and Calculus in one week, he has turned to the astonomical scientific question of how the world began and has some intelligent ideas backed by scientific fact. I'd like to see him work on disproving global warming personally, but proving God exists is a much more worthy cause.
As I have said here in so many words before, I am in the process of defining my beliefs. I believe in an all-knowing, all-powerful, Almighty God whose son is Jesus Christ. He died for my sins and all who have ever lived on the planet. I worship Him and try to live His words. I believe that these are the last days and the line has been drawn in the sand. I want to be standing on the right side of equation here. I don't think trashing Mormons is the way to go, I don't think trashing evangelicals in general is the way, I don't think withholding information when you are an administration is the way to get into God's graces either. I admire a genius who questions the believed theory that we came from utter nothingness. His question: "I'm not worried about the hydrogen and the helium, it is the carbon that is lacking." His IQ is higher than Einstein's and he is expanding on Einsteins theory of relativity, but in his spare time is solving this problem. There is talk from one of his professors that this child could win the Nobel prize, and there are some who say, well, give it to him now if we give the award out to those with good intentions, i.e. Obama.
I don't want my taxes to go to corrupt organizations which I think NPR is, or a Healthcare bill that had to be passed before we could know what was in it.
Off my soap box. I just want to manage my life, do a little good, get out of debt, enjoy my family, do honest work and worship God. When I get up at 6 a.m. and see this mess, not the genius I think that is incredible, but the corruption and arrogance, it makes me want to go back to bed and give it up. Put up the white flag so to speak. But this is still a free country and I'm not shutting my mouth.
A year of living like college students. Basically like living on nothing.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Unearthing THE book, Silent Witness and giving it another shot.
I just unearthed a stack of papers six inches high that included one complete typed copy of the book I wrote in '02 that had been corrected and two other versions that had been edited and proofed by my friend Cecilia and my husband Bob who double checked it. I was as Cecilia said, "at a different place" in my life at the time.
I had gone to Colorado after being fired from my job as a graphic artist due to mental illness. I had a lawsuit underway against the paper and I needed a break. In a funny aside, I remember the day that I had my talk with the publisher of the paper and picking up my final paycheck. I told the receptionist afterward when she asked, "so what are you going to do?", I told her, "I'm going to Colorado." "Is your husband coming too?" "No." By the time I got to a friend's house in Donnellson from Keokuk, she had heard that I was moving to Colorado and leaving my husband! I was taking a month and a half break out at my mom's house.
That is where I wrote the book. It was spring in Loveland, Colorado, 25 miles from Estes Park in the Rockies. I spent a lot of time laying out in the sun, writing, listening to my mom's soap opera through the screen of her sliding glass door. We spent a lot of time together. I would write in long hand and later in the day type it up on her computer, save it to a disk and later when I got home transfered it using simple text to my mac. My mac died and I have this stack of papers that I am preparing to re-write in first person instead of third. Twenty six chapters and each one needs work. But, and here is where the financial part comes in, Bob has mentioned to me different times that what we really need is for me to actually publish one of my books in order to make money on it.
So. There it is. The story takes place beginning in 1980. It has sat on my shelf too long. Time to giterdone!
I have an aunt who occasionally reads this blog who has always been encouraging me to "finish" it. So Helen, if you are reading, I'm working on it.
I think if I type one chapter per day I'll be doing good. I could probably type up two or three of the smaller chapters in a day, but I will give myself that pace and see how I do.
I also have illustrations that need to be finalized for my book, The Visitors of Pompadour, so I plan to work on one illustration every other day to set that as my goal. At the same time...I need to keep looking for jobs. I haven't heard from the newspaper but there is need of a graphic artist at a factory in Arthur. I am going to get more information about their plant and what exactly the programs needed are.
So those are my attempts at "work" and earning extra money. I have kept my driving to short distances by myself. The cost of going to Wisconsin was really not that bad considering the distance. We're doing okay.
And that's all I have to say about that.
I had gone to Colorado after being fired from my job as a graphic artist due to mental illness. I had a lawsuit underway against the paper and I needed a break. In a funny aside, I remember the day that I had my talk with the publisher of the paper and picking up my final paycheck. I told the receptionist afterward when she asked, "so what are you going to do?", I told her, "I'm going to Colorado." "Is your husband coming too?" "No." By the time I got to a friend's house in Donnellson from Keokuk, she had heard that I was moving to Colorado and leaving my husband! I was taking a month and a half break out at my mom's house.
That is where I wrote the book. It was spring in Loveland, Colorado, 25 miles from Estes Park in the Rockies. I spent a lot of time laying out in the sun, writing, listening to my mom's soap opera through the screen of her sliding glass door. We spent a lot of time together. I would write in long hand and later in the day type it up on her computer, save it to a disk and later when I got home transfered it using simple text to my mac. My mac died and I have this stack of papers that I am preparing to re-write in first person instead of third. Twenty six chapters and each one needs work. But, and here is where the financial part comes in, Bob has mentioned to me different times that what we really need is for me to actually publish one of my books in order to make money on it.
So. There it is. The story takes place beginning in 1980. It has sat on my shelf too long. Time to giterdone!
I have an aunt who occasionally reads this blog who has always been encouraging me to "finish" it. So Helen, if you are reading, I'm working on it.
I think if I type one chapter per day I'll be doing good. I could probably type up two or three of the smaller chapters in a day, but I will give myself that pace and see how I do.
I also have illustrations that need to be finalized for my book, The Visitors of Pompadour, so I plan to work on one illustration every other day to set that as my goal. At the same time...I need to keep looking for jobs. I haven't heard from the newspaper but there is need of a graphic artist at a factory in Arthur. I am going to get more information about their plant and what exactly the programs needed are.
So those are my attempts at "work" and earning extra money. I have kept my driving to short distances by myself. The cost of going to Wisconsin was really not that bad considering the distance. We're doing okay.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Clothes, jobs, church, painting, scrapbooking and life story, not much new.
This hasn't been a very good month for budgeting and sticking to it. I needed some clothes. I haven't bought jeans in over a year and unfortunately have outgrown one pair. Having applied for two positions at the newspaper I found that if I were to get one of the jobs I would have to wear something other than my tweety pajamas. I did go and get some things to wear. There is a thrift shop on Monroe and Wood streets here in Decatur that sell clothing that is brought in in large part from doctor's wives who work at St. Mary's and Decatur Memorial Hospital. So there was quite a selection.
I did apply for the job of Copy Editor which I think I would really like and then the paper came out the next day with a job as graphic artist. The problem with the graphic artist job is that they use Flash Technology which is a program that I have no experience with. I have not worked in ten years!!! And I'm at the age where...who is going to hire me? I've been around since we were using lino-type and amberlith for color separations and paste up to where we print right to negative. I would like to get a phone call but I'm not going to hold my breath. I have printed right to negative, but now they are posting everything to the internet and that is where my problem comes in. I have no doubt that I would learn it. Newspapers are just such a fast paced atmosphere that you'd better learn it quick or you'll get run over.
And the past few days I have been in depression. Part of it is from spiritual decisions which I have had to make that are difficult, and part of it is from being on a depression panel where some of the discussion triggered memories that I didn't need to access. I've been on panels before and have given speeches on depression and haven't come away feeling the way I did on Saturday. So I spent Sunday and Monday in Bed and slept until noon today, just not wanting to face the world. I have a call into my psychiatrist to let him know what is happening. He called back but my phone wasn't within reach and I got there too late. Then he was at lunch. So we'll see. Right now I am on the crux of two important things happening in my life, church, and hopefully a job.
At church I was asked to be the preparedness supervisor and I initially said yes, but the more I thought about it I have to call and tell them no. Not now. My mind is saturated, I can't even talk about it without strong feelings hitting me. It is tough to talk to friends because this is such an individual decision. I feel like my brain can only take in so much and then it goes straight to emotion. I feel like the kid in the Far Side cartoon who has this little head and says, "Excuse me, can I go now, my brain is full."
One of the joys of the digital era is being able to take pictures of everything and not have to worry about the printing cost of the film. That was quite a cost when I was scrapbooking. I need to do scrapbooking again. It is an inexpensive hobby and makes me happy. The cost comes in the form of printer ink. Although I have done some picture pages on the computer in layers in photoshop. I think I'm going to take some of my "picture of the day" pictures and make scrapbook pages in photoshop. I can always scan in background paper and stickers. I bought a stack of page protectors for that very purpose a while back but had forgotten about them until now. Now I have a new project. I don't plan on doing anything about it until I work on my paintings to sell in Arthur though.....*I also have to hem my new pants...* there are a lot of things that need to be done before having fun with the picture pages. Reminds me of the Bill Cosby children's show with picture pages.
I have been writing my life story. Kind of like using my journalling time, I started in chronological order and have split into vacations, discipline, me and mom, etc. I try to keep it all chronological but I end up off on a tangent. I have scanned in some pictures of my grandparents and family members in order to make it more personal. It is of course colored by my memory which is not very good at times, but it will be uniquely my own, just as my siblings, should they write, would unique and their own stories too.
Today I need to paint, I need to exercise and I need to pick up my form from the doctor's office so that I can donate plasma. Still haven't done that yet. It is still realtively early in the day.
Have a great day!
I did apply for the job of Copy Editor which I think I would really like and then the paper came out the next day with a job as graphic artist. The problem with the graphic artist job is that they use Flash Technology which is a program that I have no experience with. I have not worked in ten years!!! And I'm at the age where...who is going to hire me? I've been around since we were using lino-type and amberlith for color separations and paste up to where we print right to negative. I would like to get a phone call but I'm not going to hold my breath. I have printed right to negative, but now they are posting everything to the internet and that is where my problem comes in. I have no doubt that I would learn it. Newspapers are just such a fast paced atmosphere that you'd better learn it quick or you'll get run over.
And the past few days I have been in depression. Part of it is from spiritual decisions which I have had to make that are difficult, and part of it is from being on a depression panel where some of the discussion triggered memories that I didn't need to access. I've been on panels before and have given speeches on depression and haven't come away feeling the way I did on Saturday. So I spent Sunday and Monday in Bed and slept until noon today, just not wanting to face the world. I have a call into my psychiatrist to let him know what is happening. He called back but my phone wasn't within reach and I got there too late. Then he was at lunch. So we'll see. Right now I am on the crux of two important things happening in my life, church, and hopefully a job.
At church I was asked to be the preparedness supervisor and I initially said yes, but the more I thought about it I have to call and tell them no. Not now. My mind is saturated, I can't even talk about it without strong feelings hitting me. It is tough to talk to friends because this is such an individual decision. I feel like my brain can only take in so much and then it goes straight to emotion. I feel like the kid in the Far Side cartoon who has this little head and says, "Excuse me, can I go now, my brain is full."
One of the joys of the digital era is being able to take pictures of everything and not have to worry about the printing cost of the film. That was quite a cost when I was scrapbooking. I need to do scrapbooking again. It is an inexpensive hobby and makes me happy. The cost comes in the form of printer ink. Although I have done some picture pages on the computer in layers in photoshop. I think I'm going to take some of my "picture of the day" pictures and make scrapbook pages in photoshop. I can always scan in background paper and stickers. I bought a stack of page protectors for that very purpose a while back but had forgotten about them until now. Now I have a new project. I don't plan on doing anything about it until I work on my paintings to sell in Arthur though.....*I also have to hem my new pants...* there are a lot of things that need to be done before having fun with the picture pages. Reminds me of the Bill Cosby children's show with picture pages.
I have been writing my life story. Kind of like using my journalling time, I started in chronological order and have split into vacations, discipline, me and mom, etc. I try to keep it all chronological but I end up off on a tangent. I have scanned in some pictures of my grandparents and family members in order to make it more personal. It is of course colored by my memory which is not very good at times, but it will be uniquely my own, just as my siblings, should they write, would unique and their own stories too.
Today I need to paint, I need to exercise and I need to pick up my form from the doctor's office so that I can donate plasma. Still haven't done that yet. It is still realtively early in the day.
Have a great day!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Job possiblities, depression panel, new internet, selling paintings
Back on the subject.
Yesterday I was at Macon Resources, an agency that helps people on disability go back to work. I applied at Kohls and I found a job at the newspaper that needs a copy editor. I haven't applied for that since it is from 5 to 11 and it isn't in the best part of town to be after dark. I did get my resume typed up with changes and the agent helping me couldn't do something on his computer so I was able to help him, he said, "you're the graphic artist, help me!" So I got his problem fixed. Made me feel good to assist.
We're doing well on our food budget, but our miscellaneous budget is straining. I have made very few trips in the car lately.
I was asked again to be on the depression panel at church and I agreed. Even if the subject was one I wanted to avoid, I think I've "been at it long enough" to bring some light to the subject to those who are dealing with it and what things are helpful. I will bring my depression "first aid kit" that is simply a box that is hinged and looks like a book with special things in it like tea, favorite socks, perfume, a journal, etc. I think having a visual aid will be different. There are very few visual aids you can come up with when talking about depression since it such an "inside" job.
Interesting, I just got a phone call from the Bishop's executive secretary. He wants to see me tomorrow evening at 6. Probably something from the Stake President that he would like to talk to me about. Perhaps I won't be participating on the panel after all. We will see. It won't break my heart if that happens. I highly doubt if it has to do with any kind of calling. The secretary said he wanted to see me tonight or tomorrow. Bob is going to be home this evening so I am taking tonight to be with him.
I'm easy. No reason to worry about it. I'll either be on the panel or I won't. I'll either be asked to be a librarian or I won't. You never know with church appointments.
Sorry for the interruption.
Today I switched our internet from an air card with U.S. Cellular which makes me restart my internet connection every 15 to 20 minutes to "Wild Blue" through Dish Network. It is for people who live in rural areas. Since we reduced our viewing channels this brings the cost back up to our original Dish Network bill, but at least now we will have decent internet reception without breaking our budget too badly.
I haven't been to the Y since My brother came to visit. But I have been doing Zumba, and saving gas.
I also haven't been going to weight watchers for the past couple of weeks, I'm too afraid to get on the scale. I know what my scale says, but it is really off compared to the Y and to weight watchers, so I look at the number on the scale and add 6 or 7 pounds. Not good. And my body is not as toned as it was a week ago. Waa waaa. poor me. Oh well, it is my own fault.
I will be selling some of my paintings since John has encouraged me, I just haven't brought them in from the garage, but I will do that when I get off the computer. They are very close to being done, just a few fine touches with a fine brush and I'll be in business. One canvas which is a 30" x 40" canvas I just need to paint around the sides. These paintings are not going to be framed. I may have to start stretching my own canvases then I can get a wrap around canvas look and not the staples along the side. I did come up with a way to make four canvases into a set of stuffed canvases with the letters R E A D on them I used similar pages in tone and color from wall paper books and stuffed the canvas and painted the letters on them. We used to have them in our living room. Then I put them up in the library above one of our book shelves, but one fell behind the 6' tall shelf and there was no way I was going to try to retrieve it. I will see them again when we move. Anyway there is some posibility for profit there.
Yesterday I took my paperwork to my doctor's office that was given to me by CSL Plasma for my doctor to fill out. When they get that done hopefully I'll be eligible for donation twice a week. Crossing my fingers. They should be able to deduce from my lipids, triglycerides, AIC and cholesterol that I am healthy enough.
I guess that is all for today. Take care, Have a great day!
Yesterday I was at Macon Resources, an agency that helps people on disability go back to work. I applied at Kohls and I found a job at the newspaper that needs a copy editor. I haven't applied for that since it is from 5 to 11 and it isn't in the best part of town to be after dark. I did get my resume typed up with changes and the agent helping me couldn't do something on his computer so I was able to help him, he said, "you're the graphic artist, help me!" So I got his problem fixed. Made me feel good to assist.
We're doing well on our food budget, but our miscellaneous budget is straining. I have made very few trips in the car lately.
I was asked again to be on the depression panel at church and I agreed. Even if the subject was one I wanted to avoid, I think I've "been at it long enough" to bring some light to the subject to those who are dealing with it and what things are helpful. I will bring my depression "first aid kit" that is simply a box that is hinged and looks like a book with special things in it like tea, favorite socks, perfume, a journal, etc. I think having a visual aid will be different. There are very few visual aids you can come up with when talking about depression since it such an "inside" job.
Interesting, I just got a phone call from the Bishop's executive secretary. He wants to see me tomorrow evening at 6. Probably something from the Stake President that he would like to talk to me about. Perhaps I won't be participating on the panel after all. We will see. It won't break my heart if that happens. I highly doubt if it has to do with any kind of calling. The secretary said he wanted to see me tonight or tomorrow. Bob is going to be home this evening so I am taking tonight to be with him.
I'm easy. No reason to worry about it. I'll either be on the panel or I won't. I'll either be asked to be a librarian or I won't. You never know with church appointments.
Sorry for the interruption.
Today I switched our internet from an air card with U.S. Cellular which makes me restart my internet connection every 15 to 20 minutes to "Wild Blue" through Dish Network. It is for people who live in rural areas. Since we reduced our viewing channels this brings the cost back up to our original Dish Network bill, but at least now we will have decent internet reception without breaking our budget too badly.
I haven't been to the Y since My brother came to visit. But I have been doing Zumba, and saving gas.
I also haven't been going to weight watchers for the past couple of weeks, I'm too afraid to get on the scale. I know what my scale says, but it is really off compared to the Y and to weight watchers, so I look at the number on the scale and add 6 or 7 pounds. Not good. And my body is not as toned as it was a week ago. Waa waaa. poor me. Oh well, it is my own fault.
I will be selling some of my paintings since John has encouraged me, I just haven't brought them in from the garage, but I will do that when I get off the computer. They are very close to being done, just a few fine touches with a fine brush and I'll be in business. One canvas which is a 30" x 40" canvas I just need to paint around the sides. These paintings are not going to be framed. I may have to start stretching my own canvases then I can get a wrap around canvas look and not the staples along the side. I did come up with a way to make four canvases into a set of stuffed canvases with the letters R E A D on them I used similar pages in tone and color from wall paper books and stuffed the canvas and painted the letters on them. We used to have them in our living room. Then I put them up in the library above one of our book shelves, but one fell behind the 6' tall shelf and there was no way I was going to try to retrieve it. I will see them again when we move. Anyway there is some posibility for profit there.
Yesterday I took my paperwork to my doctor's office that was given to me by CSL Plasma for my doctor to fill out. When they get that done hopefully I'll be eligible for donation twice a week. Crossing my fingers. They should be able to deduce from my lipids, triglycerides, AIC and cholesterol that I am healthy enough.
I guess that is all for today. Take care, Have a great day!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Spirituality, a call from a friend, never stop learning
Sitting here in the quiet, Enya playing in the background, I am still at peace. This time it is from taking a breath.
I discussed with Bob my spirituality and beliefs. I have been investigating the church the way I should have before I was baptized. And I have found fault. Tonight when I brought it up again he told me that he would rather have me divorce him than have me doing what I am doing.
I can't do that to him. I will worship God Almighty with every ounce of my soul, mind, might and strength. I have some unresolved issues concerning the church, but it is my lifestyle, my friends, support group, and is a place I like being.
So much for my new life.
Yet this is still "new" I have spoken my piece to those who needed to know and I stepped back and took a breath. The rescusitation worked. There have been times that I have not liked what Bob has done. And he has stopped becuse it made me uncomfortable. I know the church has its faults, but which church doesn't? I believe Christ to be my personal Savior and intercessor with my Heavenly Father. There are many things I don't like about church, but I feel better now.
I got a call from a friend of mine from Iowa today and she was concerned about me and my spirituality. She had a lot of wisdom and I did listen. Funny, that is not like me. I feel better, have a long way to go in my spiritual progression. I can try all I want, everyday, every moment to be perfect and one hour into it I will be in need of repentance, so I know that Christ's atonement for my sins must have been unbearable, for he took on ALL of our sins. We show respect for him by doing the things we saw him do. Faith without good works is dead, but only through the name of Jesus Christ are we saved. Where I go from here, I am not worried about, what the mansion looks like or who will be my neighbors. I just want to be what God wants me to be. That has never changed.
My heart is lighter now. My husband is incredibly faithful to his beliefs and that inspired me. I still have more reading and research to do, I must never stop learning.
I discussed with Bob my spirituality and beliefs. I have been investigating the church the way I should have before I was baptized. And I have found fault. Tonight when I brought it up again he told me that he would rather have me divorce him than have me doing what I am doing.
I can't do that to him. I will worship God Almighty with every ounce of my soul, mind, might and strength. I have some unresolved issues concerning the church, but it is my lifestyle, my friends, support group, and is a place I like being.
So much for my new life.
Yet this is still "new" I have spoken my piece to those who needed to know and I stepped back and took a breath. The rescusitation worked. There have been times that I have not liked what Bob has done. And he has stopped becuse it made me uncomfortable. I know the church has its faults, but which church doesn't? I believe Christ to be my personal Savior and intercessor with my Heavenly Father. There are many things I don't like about church, but I feel better now.
I got a call from a friend of mine from Iowa today and she was concerned about me and my spirituality. She had a lot of wisdom and I did listen. Funny, that is not like me. I feel better, have a long way to go in my spiritual progression. I can try all I want, everyday, every moment to be perfect and one hour into it I will be in need of repentance, so I know that Christ's atonement for my sins must have been unbearable, for he took on ALL of our sins. We show respect for him by doing the things we saw him do. Faith without good works is dead, but only through the name of Jesus Christ are we saved. Where I go from here, I am not worried about, what the mansion looks like or who will be my neighbors. I just want to be what God wants me to be. That has never changed.
My heart is lighter now. My husband is incredibly faithful to his beliefs and that inspired me. I still have more reading and research to do, I must never stop learning.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
A spiritual awakening, Peace, Sorrow. Love.
It's about 32 degrees, the sky is gray, I'm drinking theraflu, and how are you? So okay it doesn't rhyme. I'm feeling pitiful today. My eyes are watering, nose on overdrive, coughing and scratchy throat. UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! I hate this!
Yesterday we went to Springfield to see a church leader for me to talk to. I have followed the advice in D&C 107 saying we should seek knowledge from all sources. So I have. I wish I had done so before being baptised. But being a member of the church we are discouraged from reading anything that is contrary to its teachings. I had a frightening (to be mild) experience thirty years ago that has caused quite a bit of depression. I wanted to talk to someone about it who could give me answers. It appears that of those who have stayed with the church after such an ordeal, don't have the same feelings that I do. It is very lonely. Perhaps I am simply 'triggered' by what I had to say and do that took me back to when I was five. I don't know, But I know that since that time I have avoided all lessons, talks, testimony and such about the subject.
I was ready to have my name removed from the records of the church yesterday. I did not get answers to my questions except to say that "It is THAT important" and that he had a testimony of some things. I'm not saying what church or incident in order to protect the church. This person said that if I told anyone about the incident that most would not even know what I was talking about because things have been changed since that time. Which is a whole other story altogether.
If the Smithsonian Institution's archaeologists, the Archaeology department of BYU, Boston University; Archaeology Digest, have found no evidence to prove a huge battle was fought, that there were no pigs, horses, elephants, domestic cattle here before 1492, and DNA has proved that the American Indian is Mongoloid in heredity a direct link from Asian decent, and documented facts throughout church history have been hidden, I am glad that I followed the advice to seek knowledge. Would Americans write their history in the language of their enemies? Yet an ancient family record was written in revised Egyptian instead of Hebrew. No metals available in any way to smelt steel.
I have anxiety over this, fear of retribution, excommunication, loss of friends, But I hope that my friends know that I will always love them in spite of my findings. They are MY findings, it was MY quest to learn more. In one way I feel peace. Peace that there is nothing "wrong" with me, because there are so many things that are misrepresented in the church, that I know I don't need to look much further. Even evidence from church history contradicts itself. But I am not supposed to know about this.
So I sit here bracing myself, for any comments from my friends, sadness at my unbelief, sadness for my loss of testimony, sadness at my searching other sources, anger for writing this blog, disfellowshipment, shunning. I am just one little person in a sea of billions. What do I matter? I have a great relationship with Jesus Christ as I always have had. I know I am loved and I know that I do my best to search out truth. I was disappointed. I am putting my spiritual wellbeing ahead of my doubts that I have had for 30 years.
I'm sorry if this offends any of you. I have felt like a hypocrite for that many years. My husband has me reading a book to see if this church can be proved experimentally. It was written in the 70's before DNA was available as proof of evidence to convict criminals. But even when I bring this before my husband I am laughed at and ridiculed. How do I live with this knowledge? Where do I go to church? Do I go to church? I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and of the holy ghost. I believe the leaders of the church are men of God. It has been a relatively good 30 years, with all of the callings I have had and taking girls to camp for over 20 years. Where does this leave me? An apostate I guess. Not proud of it, just more informed than I was 30 years ago when all of the members of my family were concerned about my decision. Now i understand why.
Do you know why Christians where crosses with the Savior not there? Not a crucifix? Just a blank cross? It is because it represents the risen Lord. I am not a different person. I am just at peace with what I already knew just now it is known by everyone.
I look forward to any comments, I sadly expect to lose friends, or be pittied, or shown the way back. It has been the most profound peace in 30 years, please let me enjoy it.
Thanks guys, it hasn't changed my love for you.
Yesterday we went to Springfield to see a church leader for me to talk to. I have followed the advice in D&C 107 saying we should seek knowledge from all sources. So I have. I wish I had done so before being baptised. But being a member of the church we are discouraged from reading anything that is contrary to its teachings. I had a frightening (to be mild) experience thirty years ago that has caused quite a bit of depression. I wanted to talk to someone about it who could give me answers. It appears that of those who have stayed with the church after such an ordeal, don't have the same feelings that I do. It is very lonely. Perhaps I am simply 'triggered' by what I had to say and do that took me back to when I was five. I don't know, But I know that since that time I have avoided all lessons, talks, testimony and such about the subject.
I was ready to have my name removed from the records of the church yesterday. I did not get answers to my questions except to say that "It is THAT important" and that he had a testimony of some things. I'm not saying what church or incident in order to protect the church. This person said that if I told anyone about the incident that most would not even know what I was talking about because things have been changed since that time. Which is a whole other story altogether.
If the Smithsonian Institution's archaeologists, the Archaeology department of BYU, Boston University; Archaeology Digest, have found no evidence to prove a huge battle was fought, that there were no pigs, horses, elephants, domestic cattle here before 1492, and DNA has proved that the American Indian is Mongoloid in heredity a direct link from Asian decent, and documented facts throughout church history have been hidden, I am glad that I followed the advice to seek knowledge. Would Americans write their history in the language of their enemies? Yet an ancient family record was written in revised Egyptian instead of Hebrew. No metals available in any way to smelt steel.
I have anxiety over this, fear of retribution, excommunication, loss of friends, But I hope that my friends know that I will always love them in spite of my findings. They are MY findings, it was MY quest to learn more. In one way I feel peace. Peace that there is nothing "wrong" with me, because there are so many things that are misrepresented in the church, that I know I don't need to look much further. Even evidence from church history contradicts itself. But I am not supposed to know about this.
So I sit here bracing myself, for any comments from my friends, sadness at my unbelief, sadness for my loss of testimony, sadness at my searching other sources, anger for writing this blog, disfellowshipment, shunning. I am just one little person in a sea of billions. What do I matter? I have a great relationship with Jesus Christ as I always have had. I know I am loved and I know that I do my best to search out truth. I was disappointed. I am putting my spiritual wellbeing ahead of my doubts that I have had for 30 years.
I'm sorry if this offends any of you. I have felt like a hypocrite for that many years. My husband has me reading a book to see if this church can be proved experimentally. It was written in the 70's before DNA was available as proof of evidence to convict criminals. But even when I bring this before my husband I am laughed at and ridiculed. How do I live with this knowledge? Where do I go to church? Do I go to church? I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and of the holy ghost. I believe the leaders of the church are men of God. It has been a relatively good 30 years, with all of the callings I have had and taking girls to camp for over 20 years. Where does this leave me? An apostate I guess. Not proud of it, just more informed than I was 30 years ago when all of the members of my family were concerned about my decision. Now i understand why.
Do you know why Christians where crosses with the Savior not there? Not a crucifix? Just a blank cross? It is because it represents the risen Lord. I am not a different person. I am just at peace with what I already knew just now it is known by everyone.
I look forward to any comments, I sadly expect to lose friends, or be pittied, or shown the way back. It has been the most profound peace in 30 years, please let me enjoy it.
Thanks guys, it hasn't changed my love for you.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Visiting, Antiquing, an art lesson, Spirituallity and too many Carbs
My brother and his girlfriend just left after spending a couple days here with us. It was SO good to see them. John has been in Greece for the past four years and have only seen him once in that time, and that was when our mom was dying in a hospital in Colorado. It was wonderful just to hug him and talk, and have the things in common that siblings have. And I hadn't seen his girlfriend since '81! It was fun to catch up, go to the quaint Amish town of Arthur just 9 miles away. We found the best antique store and was able to buy an cast iron birdbath, that used to be white, now rusted for $26! And a picnic hamper with cups, plates and utensils for our daughter for.. I'm not going to say in case she reads this, but the owner of the booth gave me a great deal. I know she has wanted one for a long time. If she doesn't like it..I'm keeping it! :) Then my brother took us to a pharmacy with an old fashioned soda fountain and we got some ice cream. Took pictures of Amish buggies and horses and later that night had an art lesson!
What a great time! I also bought a limoges Haviland china tea cup and saucer for $8 which to me is a steal. Probably shouldn't have spent ANY, but oh my gosh, it was so fun. Then my brother bought us a bird-house-shaped shelf for the wall and we had the perfect place to put it, and got my husband an antique Boy Scouts of America first aid kit tin that used to be used by strapping onto your belt. We had food, fun and family! And took photos on a walk around the property.
The last thing I bought was a pair of earrings for $2, which anywhere else would have been $12 or so. Then I told myself to STOP! I saw some small bird sculptures for $3 and $4, and almost got them, but changed my mind. I mean you've got to stop somewhere. I've decided to try sculpting birds. The great thing for ME is... Arthur is only nine miles away. The antique store also has at least 200 substantial and ornate oil lamps and is the supplier of wicks for them as well. So happy to know where to get extra supplies for emergency preparedness.
Ended up eating FAR too many carbs. But I've got some time to burn that off. Not quite weight watchers week. But I'm hopping right back on the wagon of weight loss and Zumba. The other day I did a pilates class, lifted weights and did an hour of Zumba, and I didn't stretch very well I guess because, MAN did my quads hurt for a couple of days!
I've got plenty of fruit salad left over from last night to help me stay full while getting back on track. Used some of our food storage fruit and fresh bananas. I might chop up some apples and add it to the mix.
While they were here I taught John and Donilee an art lesson, in landscape with acrylics. I had so much fun and their paintings were great. My brother has the creative "Canaga" gene so he was a natural, and he pays such close attention to detail that I can't wait to see what he starts coming up with. Donilee was more, "I just want to have fun" and we did. The cat sneaked through the passthough over the counter and put her paw into my splotch of red paint and proceeded to get it on my arms. I picked her up right before she got her back feet in the yellow and blue! Took quite a bit of time, paper towels and water to get that paint out of her paw and fur. Otherwise, that just might have been a disaster to the carpet. I would NOT have been happy about it!
My husband had to work late both Wednesday and Thursday nights, but even though he had to go to bed at a somewhat decent time, and went into work late yesterday morning, John and Donilee and I stayed up til one just talking about everything. Between the four of us we pretty much solved the world's problems.
I've been having a somewhat of a spiritual battle, but I'm at peace now. I know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and the only way back to Him is through the name and ways of Jesus Christ and the promptings of the Spirit. We are never going to be perfect in this lifetime, but we have Christ's example to look to. We can never base our faith on another individual because that trust is misplaced and can most easily be one's downfall. None of us are perfect except Christ, Jesus.
At church the young women's orgzanization has its "values"; faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity and virtue. These things are worthy of pursuing, especially knowledge. It is important to learn all that we can about as much as we can and be the judge of what to keep and what to cast away. I'm happy I have made some choices that are most definitely going to make my life tougher, but ultimately happier. I'm not looking forward to the process, but I believe in learning all that I can, and without that we are stagnant, and in effect damned, unable to progress. There is so much to know out there. I'm looking forward to my new adventure.
Back on the subject, after a brief detour, my brother said to me while he was here that he had read in my blog that I spent over a hundred dollars on my hair. He said, "If you were a college student, you'd be cutting your own hair (he says this as he uses his fingers as scissors acting like he's taking chunks out at random places over his hair.)" But.. since I don't know how to cut my own hair, my next haircut will be at the cosmetology school and my hair color will come out of a box. Lesson learned. I do cut my husband's hair and have for nearly 30 years. I learned how to cut his hair at a Relief Society meeting at church in Utah. That was one good lesson, because I don't know how many hundreds of dollars we have saved just doing that.
I believe in taking on a new project, a new skill, learn it well enough to have a bit of confidence in it, store that knowledge, and go on to something else. Try out your desire to paint, bake, sew, repair a car, canoe...whatever! You will, with patience, be most of the time, pleased and surprised at just how easy it can be. If you don't know how to do something.. Google it! That is how our mechanic son-in-law comes up with his processes of doing things or trying things. He hasn't gone from a paperclip to a house yet, but he has bargained his way from a small clunker to a large Jeep Cherokee the works fine, just needs a new radio and some interior work!
My brother and his girlfriend convinced me. We went to an art gallery in Arthur which takes in consignment work from around 17 different artists, they suggested I take some paintings in, so when we got home I found one to sell and two more in the detatched garage that I have never finished which I am now going to. I will take them there and use the money to buy a few more canvases and put most of the money into paying off bills. I really think I can do that and maybe mat a few photos as well. Another day another dollar.
Have a great day! I plan to!
What a great time! I also bought a limoges Haviland china tea cup and saucer for $8 which to me is a steal. Probably shouldn't have spent ANY, but oh my gosh, it was so fun. Then my brother bought us a bird-house-shaped shelf for the wall and we had the perfect place to put it, and got my husband an antique Boy Scouts of America first aid kit tin that used to be used by strapping onto your belt. We had food, fun and family! And took photos on a walk around the property.
The last thing I bought was a pair of earrings for $2, which anywhere else would have been $12 or so. Then I told myself to STOP! I saw some small bird sculptures for $3 and $4, and almost got them, but changed my mind. I mean you've got to stop somewhere. I've decided to try sculpting birds. The great thing for ME is... Arthur is only nine miles away. The antique store also has at least 200 substantial and ornate oil lamps and is the supplier of wicks for them as well. So happy to know where to get extra supplies for emergency preparedness.
Ended up eating FAR too many carbs. But I've got some time to burn that off. Not quite weight watchers week. But I'm hopping right back on the wagon of weight loss and Zumba. The other day I did a pilates class, lifted weights and did an hour of Zumba, and I didn't stretch very well I guess because, MAN did my quads hurt for a couple of days!
I've got plenty of fruit salad left over from last night to help me stay full while getting back on track. Used some of our food storage fruit and fresh bananas. I might chop up some apples and add it to the mix.
While they were here I taught John and Donilee an art lesson, in landscape with acrylics. I had so much fun and their paintings were great. My brother has the creative "Canaga" gene so he was a natural, and he pays such close attention to detail that I can't wait to see what he starts coming up with. Donilee was more, "I just want to have fun" and we did. The cat sneaked through the passthough over the counter and put her paw into my splotch of red paint and proceeded to get it on my arms. I picked her up right before she got her back feet in the yellow and blue! Took quite a bit of time, paper towels and water to get that paint out of her paw and fur. Otherwise, that just might have been a disaster to the carpet. I would NOT have been happy about it!
My husband had to work late both Wednesday and Thursday nights, but even though he had to go to bed at a somewhat decent time, and went into work late yesterday morning, John and Donilee and I stayed up til one just talking about everything. Between the four of us we pretty much solved the world's problems.
I've been having a somewhat of a spiritual battle, but I'm at peace now. I know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and the only way back to Him is through the name and ways of Jesus Christ and the promptings of the Spirit. We are never going to be perfect in this lifetime, but we have Christ's example to look to. We can never base our faith on another individual because that trust is misplaced and can most easily be one's downfall. None of us are perfect except Christ, Jesus.
At church the young women's orgzanization has its "values"; faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity and virtue. These things are worthy of pursuing, especially knowledge. It is important to learn all that we can about as much as we can and be the judge of what to keep and what to cast away. I'm happy I have made some choices that are most definitely going to make my life tougher, but ultimately happier. I'm not looking forward to the process, but I believe in learning all that I can, and without that we are stagnant, and in effect damned, unable to progress. There is so much to know out there. I'm looking forward to my new adventure.
Back on the subject, after a brief detour, my brother said to me while he was here that he had read in my blog that I spent over a hundred dollars on my hair. He said, "If you were a college student, you'd be cutting your own hair (he says this as he uses his fingers as scissors acting like he's taking chunks out at random places over his hair.)" But.. since I don't know how to cut my own hair, my next haircut will be at the cosmetology school and my hair color will come out of a box. Lesson learned. I do cut my husband's hair and have for nearly 30 years. I learned how to cut his hair at a Relief Society meeting at church in Utah. That was one good lesson, because I don't know how many hundreds of dollars we have saved just doing that.
I believe in taking on a new project, a new skill, learn it well enough to have a bit of confidence in it, store that knowledge, and go on to something else. Try out your desire to paint, bake, sew, repair a car, canoe...whatever! You will, with patience, be most of the time, pleased and surprised at just how easy it can be. If you don't know how to do something.. Google it! That is how our mechanic son-in-law comes up with his processes of doing things or trying things. He hasn't gone from a paperclip to a house yet, but he has bargained his way from a small clunker to a large Jeep Cherokee the works fine, just needs a new radio and some interior work!
My brother and his girlfriend convinced me. We went to an art gallery in Arthur which takes in consignment work from around 17 different artists, they suggested I take some paintings in, so when we got home I found one to sell and two more in the detatched garage that I have never finished which I am now going to. I will take them there and use the money to buy a few more canvases and put most of the money into paying off bills. I really think I can do that and maybe mat a few photos as well. Another day another dollar.
Have a great day! I plan to!
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