Seems like I've been having the most sleepless nights on record. Good fodder for doing stupid things. Like writing to a past employer things I always wanted to say and actually mailed it! WHAT?! you may ask. Yes, it's true.
There was an extremely difficult time in my life when a bomb was dropped on me the morning of an interview with said employer. My father unexpectedly passed away as I was getting ready to go to the interview. Blew my life apart. I couldn't get a plane ticket until the next day, and the Publisher was only going to be there that one day, It was March 11, 1999. I didn't know what to do. I was in shock. I couldn't go to comfort my mom, I couldn't do anything but try to take it in.
I had also baked and decorated a cake for a former co-worker in the same town because she became a new grandma. Stunned and numb, my husband drove, I figured if I could get to the newspaper and see my friends there, see how I do, if I was in any shape I would go on to the interview to be an art director for a book and magazine publishing company. I went. I remember one question, "Do you like to do research?" "Yes, I love researching things and I would be willing to find the best artists and styles and be cutting edge." That is all I remember about the interview. I think I mentioned something about HiLights magazine... I got the job. The then-current art director met with me and offered me the job, asked me what I paid my references to say the things they did and then I told her, My dad died this morning.
They wanted me to start work the following Monday so I could be trained by her in everything, but I said I needed to spend the time in California with my family so I missed my opportunity to be properly trained. And book publishing and newspaper publishing are as different as night and day. There is much more time for high quality work.
When that bomb went off in my life it was like, My house was just bombed, Now how do I do that color separation again? A job I have ingrained in my blood due to the years of graphics. My brain fell apart, my heart stopped, my life took a nose dive into a deep depression and I had a new job to do. My confidence was shot. The person who was supposed to do extraordinary work couldn't remember how to tie her shoes.
I was not your model employee, not the employee I had been that all my references knew. And all this company knew of me was broken. Bad turned to worse and between depression and attitude on all sides there were things I held resentment for and have held it in for years. I tried roll play, EMDR, therapy, talking it to death. I finally decided to set the record straight as far as my perspective in the way things went. I eventually resigned after going into the hospital due to suicidal Ideation. I was 'this' close. It was my dad who saved me, Christ really, but I knew that that was not what my dad would want, as much as I wanted to be with him.
So, I gave my former employer an explaination of maybe why I was the way I was, but things that I had left unsaid, I finally said. I addressed it, stamped it and my husband carried it to the mailbox for me with the other regular bills. He doesn't know about it. And now I am freaking out because, WHAT have I done? I can't think of one good thing that can come out of this. I thought it would take the burden off my shoulders, but instead it has stirred it up. Rather than put it to rest, I worry now about how she is going to receive my words. I am trying to be a good Christian and what have I done? I've done the thing that people always say they are going to do but don't because they value their job. It has been 11 years since I left, I only stayed with them for a year and a half but at the end I was ostracized. I know I have talked about that here before. But this time I told the person who was not in the building 75% of the time what went on, how I was treated, the depression, everything. And now I am "getting, getting that off my chest, off my chest" here.
If anyone reads this, please comment. I feel horrible. How do I send an "I'm sorry" card?
This has nothing to do with living like college students except the fact that I sent the letter is something someone in high school or college would do. I was just trying to put it to rest. What a mistake.
And that's all I have to say about that.
A year of living like college students. Basically like living on nothing.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
A new job, weeding, doubt but positive attitude.
Well, here we go again...another change. A 180 degree turn around from starting my own business and staying on disability. My goal has always been to get off of disability when the time was right. I have been out of the hospital for well over a year now and am feeling well. I was offered the job of a "weeder" for a place called Dynagraphics which does decals for automobiles, signs, you name it they can print it.
The "Weeder" takes the excess material off of decals that have been cut into the adhesive material. I met with the owners today and showed them my portfolio and they said that what they could offer me was not very much pay, $9.25 hr. and it would be full time, and nothing really to do with graphics, although they promote from within whenever possible. So they told me about the insurance option, vacation pay, one week in one year, two weeks after five. They showed me the production department and what I would be doing. It isn't hard, but you need fingernails to do it. There I have no problem. The "decals" are like the length of a car. Some are as small as 24" x 36".
I would need to stand all day in one place to do the work. That scares me more than anything. I haven't had a job that required that in at least 10 years. But I know I can do it. There, I will be positive about it! Done.
So the job is mine if I want it I need to give them my decision by tomorrow. And I already called my case worker and told her I would take it.
Bob figured out how much I would bring home a month, about a thousand take home pay. And if we put all of that to our bills we will be out of debt besides our house somehwat quickly.
Then I convinced him to donate plasma with me. So we can bring in $400 a month that way. Not bad for spending 45 minutes sitting down reading a book. That is what convinced him. Not that it isn't slightly uncomfortable, but it isn't enough to keep me from doing it.
As far as the job goes, I figure that would help me lose weight. It will help keep me on a consitent schedule of eating. Eat the right foods and that'll help. Bob said that we could share a ride to work at least three days a week. That will help us as far as gasoline is concerned.
I will not get on my high horse, I will not get on my high horse, I will not get on my high horse. Politics will not be part of this entry.
I have been writing, finishing Silent Witness and needing to interview people for the Museum Collection. I guess I will be doing that over the phone or on weekends.
I will try to do my "use what you have" decorating business evenings and weekends. When that takes off I will discontinue my job, even if it is only part time. I don't even know what I'm thinking taking a full time job! What is wrong with me?! I don't think I'm ready for that! Breathe...breathe...breathe... I will give it a try.
Bob said that we could put the plasma money to use as fun money or something, save for Christmas...whatever. I want to put it all toward bills and get the heck out of debt! Going to the movies once in a while will be okay. And he said I could get an iPod to listen to audio books while working, that is what the owner said people do. Perk! So now I will have to find one just right for me. That sounds fun!
Yesterday I hemmed three pairs of pants to wear for work or for an interview. Well, I will be wearing jeans to work, definitely. I'm happy I still fit into them, but my upper body carries most of my weight. That is frustrating. I still wish that I were more pear shaped like "normal" women, and have a neck and thinner face. Oh well, I will always resemble Magilla Gorilla. With nail polish.
And that's all I have to say about that. Until next time.
The "Weeder" takes the excess material off of decals that have been cut into the adhesive material. I met with the owners today and showed them my portfolio and they said that what they could offer me was not very much pay, $9.25 hr. and it would be full time, and nothing really to do with graphics, although they promote from within whenever possible. So they told me about the insurance option, vacation pay, one week in one year, two weeks after five. They showed me the production department and what I would be doing. It isn't hard, but you need fingernails to do it. There I have no problem. The "decals" are like the length of a car. Some are as small as 24" x 36".
I would need to stand all day in one place to do the work. That scares me more than anything. I haven't had a job that required that in at least 10 years. But I know I can do it. There, I will be positive about it! Done.
So the job is mine if I want it I need to give them my decision by tomorrow. And I already called my case worker and told her I would take it.
Bob figured out how much I would bring home a month, about a thousand take home pay. And if we put all of that to our bills we will be out of debt besides our house somehwat quickly.
Then I convinced him to donate plasma with me. So we can bring in $400 a month that way. Not bad for spending 45 minutes sitting down reading a book. That is what convinced him. Not that it isn't slightly uncomfortable, but it isn't enough to keep me from doing it.
As far as the job goes, I figure that would help me lose weight. It will help keep me on a consitent schedule of eating. Eat the right foods and that'll help. Bob said that we could share a ride to work at least three days a week. That will help us as far as gasoline is concerned.
I will not get on my high horse, I will not get on my high horse, I will not get on my high horse. Politics will not be part of this entry.
I have been writing, finishing Silent Witness and needing to interview people for the Museum Collection. I guess I will be doing that over the phone or on weekends.
I will try to do my "use what you have" decorating business evenings and weekends. When that takes off I will discontinue my job, even if it is only part time. I don't even know what I'm thinking taking a full time job! What is wrong with me?! I don't think I'm ready for that! Breathe...breathe...breathe... I will give it a try.
Bob said that we could put the plasma money to use as fun money or something, save for Christmas...whatever. I want to put it all toward bills and get the heck out of debt! Going to the movies once in a while will be okay. And he said I could get an iPod to listen to audio books while working, that is what the owner said people do. Perk! So now I will have to find one just right for me. That sounds fun!
Yesterday I hemmed three pairs of pants to wear for work or for an interview. Well, I will be wearing jeans to work, definitely. I'm happy I still fit into them, but my upper body carries most of my weight. That is frustrating. I still wish that I were more pear shaped like "normal" women, and have a neck and thinner face. Oh well, I will always resemble Magilla Gorilla. With nail polish.
And that's all I have to say about that. Until next time.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
72 hour kits, starting a business, chickens and gardening
Hmm, well, it has been a while since I last wrote. I was venting over political and world events. I have been purposely staying away from such news as it does nothing more than aggravate the heck out of me! I do want to know what is going on in the world, but I think I was just overloaded during my last post.
We, my husband and I, each have a 72 hour kit that we keep in case of disaster. They are basic necessities, toiletries, first aid, food, clothing, folding cook stove, water supply, etc. These are contained in a regular backpack you can buy at Walmart. I have added my meds to each of them, They are equipped for two people if necessary. The news showing disasters world wide makes it very sensible to have one of these. Bob keeps his in the car, I think I will put mine there as well, so in case of a need to evacuate it will be in a good location. I suppose if the car is being worked on, I will just bring it home with me. I thought about carrying it around all the time, I mean, you never know where you will be when disaster strikes. But I'm keeping it in the car.
I know I have talked about giving plasma. It is really not much different than giving blood and a lot more rewarding in a couple ways. The center I go to there are about 24 stations of recliner-type chairs you sit on, and you're hooked to a machine. The blood is drawn, plasma is separated from your blood then your blood is returned to you through the same tube with saline to rehydrate. It takes about 45 minutes if you are a quick bleeder like I am. They tell you it can take anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half. I have yet to have it take an hour and a half.
The rewards? Well, there is an entirely new group of people you get to know. You see them and it becomes somewhat social. You are donating something that can't be manufactured to be used in drugs to save a life, and you are paid for your time. You get a good feeling knowing you are helping someone else. The money is electronically placed on a visa card that you can use at a store or call in to activate it with a PIN number so you can use it at an atm. I'm really happy that there is a center for this so close to us. But because I have come down with an infection I don't know if I'll be able to donate for a while, but I will continue to when I am able. If you have the place available for such a thing as this I would encourage it, if for nothing more than the good feeling you get. A few extra dollars to pay down some debt is a bonus.
I have decided to start a business. I'm going to call it, "You've Got the Stuff!", a "use what you have" concept for decorating. I will go into someone's home and we will "shop" their house and find the furniture, lamps, rugs, shelves, art work and I will arrange it and put the things on the walls in an attractive way. I've done this before for a few people and I was a set designer for many years both in Michigan and Iowa. Those are my credentials including the fact that I have been a graphic artist for 28 years both in regular jobs and freelance. So if you are interested or know of someone who is, let me know. I think it will be fun! I figure since I have been out of the traditional job market for ten years, I thought going on a new adventure is appropriate. So wish me luck.
Bob and I haven't been doing much of anything exciting really. I go to Next of Kiln ceramic studio and sculpt and glaze and paint preformed ceramic things at a low cost and gives me hours of enjoyment. With my illness, it is a self soothing exercise that I can afford. I have made a good friend in the owner of the shop, Regina Rhodes. We have just clicked from the first meeting. Going to her studio is like a kid in a candy store. Or to think of it, like me in a candy store.
We have saved money by renting movies in the "nearly new" section of the video store getting two movies for a $1 for five nights. We don't watch movies as our only source of entertainment. We are in the middle of a book that I'm reading aloud about a girl from Switzerland who ends up in the Canadian wilderness after an abusive childhood. It isn't graphic, just the way she starts out in life. We are not going to sign up for net flix I don't think although their advantage is they have a huge selection of titles whereas the video store only has so many. We'll see. We may sign up down the road.
This year we are going to vacation in our own yard. There are things we want to be doing, landscaping, felling a tree to have logs for around our firepit and we will be home in the fall to harvest our peaches and grapes. We have received blackberry bushes in the mail and hope they will bring something this year. We will be planting a garden and I will be doing canning for the first time. I am in a better place mentally. There were years that I couldn't even do laundry or wash the dishes because I was on the couch. I'm looking forward to a garden and canning. We are looking at getting chickens both for the eggs and to butcher if necessary. I'm hoping Bob will teach me how to fish in the river behind the house. We want to become much more self sufficient. Getting out of debt is just part of it.
We are also planning on getting a dog. We'll get one from a shelter who needs a home. I can hardly stand to go in there because I want to take them all home! But hopefully we will be able to find a golden retriever or other dog that communicates with us that "I hid under your porch because I love you" type of sentiment (from the movie UP!)
We are very proud of our daughter for getting a job offer she tried to, but couldn't really refuse. That will help her and her husband get out of debt faster than they are able to now.
I suppose buying chickens isn't something college students would do, and planting a garden might not be either, but we think it is something that will be good for us in the long run. And I have been waiting for my husband to teach me how to fish for 30 years. I actually cast a line a little over a week ago and reeled it in about five times, so I guess I didn't have to wait for him. And with a river behind the house I won't wait for him. We have poles, I am going to do it myself. Then go "eww" when I learn how to clean the fish.
And that's all I have to say about that. Till next time, have a great day!
We, my husband and I, each have a 72 hour kit that we keep in case of disaster. They are basic necessities, toiletries, first aid, food, clothing, folding cook stove, water supply, etc. These are contained in a regular backpack you can buy at Walmart. I have added my meds to each of them, They are equipped for two people if necessary. The news showing disasters world wide makes it very sensible to have one of these. Bob keeps his in the car, I think I will put mine there as well, so in case of a need to evacuate it will be in a good location. I suppose if the car is being worked on, I will just bring it home with me. I thought about carrying it around all the time, I mean, you never know where you will be when disaster strikes. But I'm keeping it in the car.
I know I have talked about giving plasma. It is really not much different than giving blood and a lot more rewarding in a couple ways. The center I go to there are about 24 stations of recliner-type chairs you sit on, and you're hooked to a machine. The blood is drawn, plasma is separated from your blood then your blood is returned to you through the same tube with saline to rehydrate. It takes about 45 minutes if you are a quick bleeder like I am. They tell you it can take anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half. I have yet to have it take an hour and a half.
The rewards? Well, there is an entirely new group of people you get to know. You see them and it becomes somewhat social. You are donating something that can't be manufactured to be used in drugs to save a life, and you are paid for your time. You get a good feeling knowing you are helping someone else. The money is electronically placed on a visa card that you can use at a store or call in to activate it with a PIN number so you can use it at an atm. I'm really happy that there is a center for this so close to us. But because I have come down with an infection I don't know if I'll be able to donate for a while, but I will continue to when I am able. If you have the place available for such a thing as this I would encourage it, if for nothing more than the good feeling you get. A few extra dollars to pay down some debt is a bonus.
I have decided to start a business. I'm going to call it, "You've Got the Stuff!", a "use what you have" concept for decorating. I will go into someone's home and we will "shop" their house and find the furniture, lamps, rugs, shelves, art work and I will arrange it and put the things on the walls in an attractive way. I've done this before for a few people and I was a set designer for many years both in Michigan and Iowa. Those are my credentials including the fact that I have been a graphic artist for 28 years both in regular jobs and freelance. So if you are interested or know of someone who is, let me know. I think it will be fun! I figure since I have been out of the traditional job market for ten years, I thought going on a new adventure is appropriate. So wish me luck.
Bob and I haven't been doing much of anything exciting really. I go to Next of Kiln ceramic studio and sculpt and glaze and paint preformed ceramic things at a low cost and gives me hours of enjoyment. With my illness, it is a self soothing exercise that I can afford. I have made a good friend in the owner of the shop, Regina Rhodes. We have just clicked from the first meeting. Going to her studio is like a kid in a candy store. Or to think of it, like me in a candy store.
We have saved money by renting movies in the "nearly new" section of the video store getting two movies for a $1 for five nights. We don't watch movies as our only source of entertainment. We are in the middle of a book that I'm reading aloud about a girl from Switzerland who ends up in the Canadian wilderness after an abusive childhood. It isn't graphic, just the way she starts out in life. We are not going to sign up for net flix I don't think although their advantage is they have a huge selection of titles whereas the video store only has so many. We'll see. We may sign up down the road.
This year we are going to vacation in our own yard. There are things we want to be doing, landscaping, felling a tree to have logs for around our firepit and we will be home in the fall to harvest our peaches and grapes. We have received blackberry bushes in the mail and hope they will bring something this year. We will be planting a garden and I will be doing canning for the first time. I am in a better place mentally. There were years that I couldn't even do laundry or wash the dishes because I was on the couch. I'm looking forward to a garden and canning. We are looking at getting chickens both for the eggs and to butcher if necessary. I'm hoping Bob will teach me how to fish in the river behind the house. We want to become much more self sufficient. Getting out of debt is just part of it.
We are also planning on getting a dog. We'll get one from a shelter who needs a home. I can hardly stand to go in there because I want to take them all home! But hopefully we will be able to find a golden retriever or other dog that communicates with us that "I hid under your porch because I love you" type of sentiment (from the movie UP!)
We are very proud of our daughter for getting a job offer she tried to, but couldn't really refuse. That will help her and her husband get out of debt faster than they are able to now.
I suppose buying chickens isn't something college students would do, and planting a garden might not be either, but we think it is something that will be good for us in the long run. And I have been waiting for my husband to teach me how to fish for 30 years. I actually cast a line a little over a week ago and reeled it in about five times, so I guess I didn't have to wait for him. And with a river behind the house I won't wait for him. We have poles, I am going to do it myself. Then go "eww" when I learn how to clean the fish.
And that's all I have to say about that. Till next time, have a great day!
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