This is the last day of 2010. I've looked back a time or two. This week I had an appointment with my new psychiatrist and he suggested a medication change from Effexor 300 mg. in the morning to 150 in morning and at night. I had Chest pain on Thanksgiving after going without medication until 3:00 in the afternoon. I need to take my meds religiously and on time. I am going to stick with my meds the way they are. I don't want to start out 2011 with an adjustment. I'm doing very well still, I've had my anxious moments, the doctor said to keep extra Clonazapam on hand and take a half tablet if needed. I may do that today.
Yesterday I gave Bob the 16 x 20 photo of a Blue Jay that I took from the guest room. I am going to have a mat cut for it, as we have a frame that it will fit in. I used to do professional framing so I just need the mat. I gave up my mat cutting and framing many years ago, but the knowledge is still there. I wish I did have my mat cutter. Anyway I think I'll do that today when I go into town to go to the Y.
The weather is in the high 50's to low 60's. The snow is gone. The birds are out feeding somewhere else today.
I won't be transitioning off my meds for a while now. I am holding onto the hope that there will be a cure for mental illness sometime in the future. I wish there was as much funding for reasearch as there is for breast cancer. But the vast majority of people think that if 'we just think good thoughts" the illness will go away as if it were not an illness at all. In my case there is medication and behavioral theraputic action. I need to stay away from major stressors, and unhealthy relationships. I need to be open with my husband when something is bothering me and not suck it inside and suffocate me.
In the new year I do have goals, I am going to actively pursue the publication of a children's book called "The Visitors of Pompadour", and re-arrange and update my book, "Silent Witness", continue working on, "The Museum Collection" and drawing line art for reproducibles publications. I figure if I can read five books at once I should be able to switch gears and write five books at once. Although two are already written and one is partially. I also would like to write a Christmas book called, "When Santa Comes to My House" These things keep me busy and hopefully will be profitable. I will be tracking my submissions on the bulletin board above my desk, so it is right there in front of me.
Beginning tomorrow I will be blogging about going on the Dave Ramsey "total money makeover" plan and the effort to live like college students, at least the way we used to live when we didn't have any money. I think this year will go into a few extra days as we do a couple final purchases for 2010. My blog will still be called, "Pegs Perspective" and I may make the occasional detour from the blog's main content, as I have in this one. I will have updates in my condition as they may occur. It is so easy to be feeling well and forget the horrible feelings of depression that lie in wait like a timebomb ready to explode. I can only pray that with as many times as I have gone through it, I have learned more ways of dealing with it each time. I don't know when I will go back on True Hope. It is a wonderful thing, and I hope I can do it someday, but the thought of my failing and going back on medication scares me near to death. I was so anxious to start that I gave up a trip to Greece to see my brother there, and ended up back on Medication after all.
I can't dismiss it as an option, but it won't be for me in the very near future. I think I will stick with medication and psychiatry to keep me stable until there is a major breakthrough. We will see.
Otherwise Happy New Year! See you in 2011.
P.S. When our Dave Ramsey money makeover is through, not necessarily in one year, I want to buy a home on Bali. Homes are affordable compared to the U.S. and maybe we will be able to afford one.
A year of living like college students. Basically like living on nothing.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Time on my hands
My fingers are itching this morning and there are only so many posts you can do on facebook without being completely annoying. I know I'm probably past that. Besides, few if any are going to read this and I want to type
Things I've done with my time this year:
I "work on" a lot of things. I don't however get a whole lot of things done. But this year I've managed to survive a wretched illness, experiment with drugs, remodel a kitchen and bathroom, keep a house clean constatntly trying to sell the house, visit the hospital emergency room three times, go on a week's long vacation to Colorado, sell a house, survive being separated from my husband for 8 months (while he got his new job out of state), work on a book, interview many people for the book, move, buy a house, leave my friends of 13 years, move farther away from my daughter (my least favorite thing), get a new house in order, keeping it that way is beyond me, find a place for everything, buy a new fireplace, decorate for Christmas, be in charge of the ward Christmas party, Sacrament program and New Year's Eve party and hey, start this blog.
Kind of a productive year. A productive year like verbs are productive. They make the appearance of doing something, but in the end, what do you have to show for it? I guess a house, a home, I made an advent calendar for my daughter out of tiny stockings and mittens I made and mailed them in a decent amount of time before Christmas.
Right now I'm working on a care package to send to my brother. Cookies, candy for Christmas. He'll like that. I've lost my box of best cookie cutters, so I'm free-handing the cookie trees and stars. I made him some of my mom's recipe of fudge and it really does taste like hers. I have her pan that she always used. In the box are also hershey kisses, starburst candy canes, strawberry his favorite, and imitation thin mints (like the girl scout cookie)
In a little more than a week it will be New Year's eve. One year ago that night a friend's little baby drowned in the bathtub. This year, in remembrance of that day, I'm taking part in a project that was originally done for this little boy's first birthday, and that was do something meaningful for someone else in his name.
So I have my thing chosen and will get it done before Christmas. I don't think his mom reads this, very few do, but if she does, know that it was started by someone who loves you very much and wants to help you through this difficult time. People are doing service in his name for you.
It is a small thing, but for many people participating, it IS very meaningful. I have had my trials this year, but I cannot imagine what it must be like for this young family. It is like a bad dream that you cannot wake from. I have had my illnesses and have gotten help and med adjustments. I worry about the day that I may not be able to get my meds and go into withdrawal and insanity, but usually 90% of the things you worry about don't ever happen. Tragedy happened to this young family, but so many have been helped in this little boy's name. Perhaps that was his mission.
I don't yet know what my mission in life is. I think I've done pretty well, living as I believe I should, following the commandments, but this year I had to make some serious decisions religiously, for sanity's sake. I know my Father in Heaven loves me, that Christ loves me and they know that I am doing what I can, the best that I can, in the stage I am in. I have felt huge loss in this area, and judgement by some. But I could not live with what was in my past experience any longer and continue to act as if everything was okay. It wasn't. But it is better now. My marriage has been affected, but because I have the most compassionate, patient husband, he does not pressure me. (he can be a little passive aggressive, but nobody's perfect. :)).
I think what I have to include in a mission statement for myself is to endure to the end. No matter what happens in my life, I must hang on. That scares the heck out of me. When someone passes away I envy them somewhat. They made it. They didn't give up, they stuck it out. If I can but do that I feel that I will win the biggest battle. So for the rest of my life this is part of my mission. I know there will be more and things I can't imagine yet that I will face, but I know my Heavenly Father loves and knows me, that Jesus is His Son and my Savior and Redeemer. He is my intercessor with my Father, He paid the price for me. Randsomed me from my sins. I must continue to remember this and remember to live as closely to God and His word as I can. Follow Christ's example. If I have to hang onto life with my fingernails, then I must do that. Hang on to the love of my daughter and husband. Live for others.
I don't make new year's resolutions. I make daily resolutions, such as, "I will not put one more candy kiss in my mouth today." Trying to make a plan for the year seems impossible, for a life even less so, but as we tell the youth about alcohol, decide now what you will do when offered it. Say no. Make the decision now, not on the spot. So I must decide for now and for the rest of my future. Hang on. Never give up. Claw with your toe nails if you have to. Know Christ is there and do whatever it takes to live. But if I must die, as surely I will someday, do it while serving or planning or thinking of good things. Try to stay spotless. Follow God's will. Do the best I can. I know I'll make mistakes along the way, that is where the Atonement comes in. Christ has paid the price. I need to repent with thankfulness and move on.
I don't know what my life will hold, but as of this moment, it is good. I will hold on to that.
Things I've done with my time this year:
I "work on" a lot of things. I don't however get a whole lot of things done. But this year I've managed to survive a wretched illness, experiment with drugs, remodel a kitchen and bathroom, keep a house clean constatntly trying to sell the house, visit the hospital emergency room three times, go on a week's long vacation to Colorado, sell a house, survive being separated from my husband for 8 months (while he got his new job out of state), work on a book, interview many people for the book, move, buy a house, leave my friends of 13 years, move farther away from my daughter (my least favorite thing), get a new house in order, keeping it that way is beyond me, find a place for everything, buy a new fireplace, decorate for Christmas, be in charge of the ward Christmas party, Sacrament program and New Year's Eve party and hey, start this blog.
Kind of a productive year. A productive year like verbs are productive. They make the appearance of doing something, but in the end, what do you have to show for it? I guess a house, a home, I made an advent calendar for my daughter out of tiny stockings and mittens I made and mailed them in a decent amount of time before Christmas.
Right now I'm working on a care package to send to my brother. Cookies, candy for Christmas. He'll like that. I've lost my box of best cookie cutters, so I'm free-handing the cookie trees and stars. I made him some of my mom's recipe of fudge and it really does taste like hers. I have her pan that she always used. In the box are also hershey kisses, starburst candy canes, strawberry his favorite, and imitation thin mints (like the girl scout cookie)
In a little more than a week it will be New Year's eve. One year ago that night a friend's little baby drowned in the bathtub. This year, in remembrance of that day, I'm taking part in a project that was originally done for this little boy's first birthday, and that was do something meaningful for someone else in his name.
So I have my thing chosen and will get it done before Christmas. I don't think his mom reads this, very few do, but if she does, know that it was started by someone who loves you very much and wants to help you through this difficult time. People are doing service in his name for you.
It is a small thing, but for many people participating, it IS very meaningful. I have had my trials this year, but I cannot imagine what it must be like for this young family. It is like a bad dream that you cannot wake from. I have had my illnesses and have gotten help and med adjustments. I worry about the day that I may not be able to get my meds and go into withdrawal and insanity, but usually 90% of the things you worry about don't ever happen. Tragedy happened to this young family, but so many have been helped in this little boy's name. Perhaps that was his mission.
I don't yet know what my mission in life is. I think I've done pretty well, living as I believe I should, following the commandments, but this year I had to make some serious decisions religiously, for sanity's sake. I know my Father in Heaven loves me, that Christ loves me and they know that I am doing what I can, the best that I can, in the stage I am in. I have felt huge loss in this area, and judgement by some. But I could not live with what was in my past experience any longer and continue to act as if everything was okay. It wasn't. But it is better now. My marriage has been affected, but because I have the most compassionate, patient husband, he does not pressure me. (he can be a little passive aggressive, but nobody's perfect. :)).
I think what I have to include in a mission statement for myself is to endure to the end. No matter what happens in my life, I must hang on. That scares the heck out of me. When someone passes away I envy them somewhat. They made it. They didn't give up, they stuck it out. If I can but do that I feel that I will win the biggest battle. So for the rest of my life this is part of my mission. I know there will be more and things I can't imagine yet that I will face, but I know my Heavenly Father loves and knows me, that Jesus is His Son and my Savior and Redeemer. He is my intercessor with my Father, He paid the price for me. Randsomed me from my sins. I must continue to remember this and remember to live as closely to God and His word as I can. Follow Christ's example. If I have to hang onto life with my fingernails, then I must do that. Hang on to the love of my daughter and husband. Live for others.
I don't make new year's resolutions. I make daily resolutions, such as, "I will not put one more candy kiss in my mouth today." Trying to make a plan for the year seems impossible, for a life even less so, but as we tell the youth about alcohol, decide now what you will do when offered it. Say no. Make the decision now, not on the spot. So I must decide for now and for the rest of my future. Hang on. Never give up. Claw with your toe nails if you have to. Know Christ is there and do whatever it takes to live. But if I must die, as surely I will someday, do it while serving or planning or thinking of good things. Try to stay spotless. Follow God's will. Do the best I can. I know I'll make mistakes along the way, that is where the Atonement comes in. Christ has paid the price. I need to repent with thankfulness and move on.
I don't know what my life will hold, but as of this moment, it is good. I will hold on to that.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thanksgiving and Hope for the new year
The year is coming to an end. By March I didn't think I would make it through each day. Since my second hospitalization of the year, they were back to back (in fact the Doctor who was treating me is no longer practicing medicine. I can tell you why,) I have been doing much much better. I have enjoyed this season and just about all that goes with it.
I miss my daughter now that we live 4 hours away instead of just an hour and a half. I've been working on a book and would go back to her state and visit and we would have hot cocoa and lorna doone cookies, watch a movie and laugh. We always have so much fun together.
Next year I will be changing this blog. It will still be listed as Peg's Perspective, but it will be about trying to live as college students, cutting back wherever we can. might monetize it! Ha, just kidding. Hopefully I'll have some money saving tips. But there will be things that will be sacrocanct that will not go on the chopping block.
Looking back on this year I have gone from physically, spiritually and mentally ill, to physically strong and active, I have a healthy relationship with God, and my illnesses are under control. My diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder and Discociative Identity Disorder have been brought into question and two doctors have concluded that I do not have either of them. I have stopped seeing a psychologist.
This year we remodeled our kitchen and upstairs bathroom just in time to sell it. And now we live in a new state. I have been physically healthy enough to not see a physician after the eleven week disaster of the beginning of the year. And have not been hospitalized for mental health since March. The year improved.
This season we see a lot of runs of the movie "It's a Wonderful Life." My nephew reminded me on facebook when Clarence says to George Bailey, "you see George, you really had a wonderful life. Can't you see how it would be a shame to throw it all away?"
How many times have I struggled to not throw it away. Everyday has its struggles. But for the most part my life is GOOD! I have a wonderful husband who drives me nuts sometimes all on his own, I have a beautiful daughter and a great son-in-law. We took a trip to Colorado to stay in a cabin this fall.
I have learned that it is right to have joy. Not only is it God's will that men are that they might have joy, but it is okay to be happy about it. That sounds funny, but I'm serious. I sometimes feel guilty for feeling so good. I can be reminded in a second of people whose lives are far far worse than mine. If I dwell on that in the name of compassion (without action) all I do is bring myself down. It is good to do service and help people less fortunate. When you see someone having a hard time walking and you recognize it as what you remember feeling when your back was "out" help them by opening the door for them. If you have been in someone's shoes, you can understand their needs better. So look for opportunities. Those things bring joy. But it's okay to be happy. We each know well enough that there will be an end to that at some time, and it will come back again also. Enjoy the happiness while you have it and be compassionate to those who don't. It will be returned.
One of the greatest acts of compassion for me aside from Christ's atonement and my husband's care, mother's love, daughter's hugs and therapist's knowledge and friends' who have been in tune with the Spirit, came in the form of a nurse called Barb.
Barb worked in the psych unit and was peaceful and non-judgemental. I've known her for many years now. The last time I was in her unit was in March and I was having faith issues. I had lost 20 pounds in a month due to malnutrition, dehydration, depression, illness and stress. She was like a watchful angel. She knew me so well. She could see me struggling to get out of the deep hole that only I and God could truthfully could bring me out of. She came to my room and sat in the corner while I slept. And was there sitting in the same corner when I awoke. She didn't say much. I told her some things that only my minister, husband and therapist knew. Things that had been bottled up for 30 years, that had a strangle hold on my heart. So on top of the weight loss and illness and regular depression, I was fighting for my spiritual life and I felt very alone. She listened and didn't judge. Was not shocked by my behaviors in the past and not so at my new problem. But these "new" problems were old. I just had not dealt with them before. I swept them under the rug and pretended everything was okay. She was there.
I've often heard that when a person is grieving sometimes the best thing that you can do is listen. That was what she was doing. She wasn't just sitting there. She cared about me. She was genuinely investing her time in ME, not just a patient, a person. I have been in and out of this particular hospital probably 9 or 10 times. I even vowed not to go back due to the actions of one nurse. But I knew that I needed MY doctor this time. The one who knew my meds, not someone who decided to play russian roulet with my meds and a staff who were there for the paycheck only. I love Barb. I felt compassion from her. There have been others, many many others who have shown me compassion. But to be able to listen to me as if I were a sane person with a sick brain at the moment. I can't thank her enough. It has been months, but I'm going to send her a card.
Going into the new year I am filled with hope. And where there is hope there is everything.
I miss my daughter now that we live 4 hours away instead of just an hour and a half. I've been working on a book and would go back to her state and visit and we would have hot cocoa and lorna doone cookies, watch a movie and laugh. We always have so much fun together.
Next year I will be changing this blog. It will still be listed as Peg's Perspective, but it will be about trying to live as college students, cutting back wherever we can. might monetize it! Ha, just kidding. Hopefully I'll have some money saving tips. But there will be things that will be sacrocanct that will not go on the chopping block.
Looking back on this year I have gone from physically, spiritually and mentally ill, to physically strong and active, I have a healthy relationship with God, and my illnesses are under control. My diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder and Discociative Identity Disorder have been brought into question and two doctors have concluded that I do not have either of them. I have stopped seeing a psychologist.
This year we remodeled our kitchen and upstairs bathroom just in time to sell it. And now we live in a new state. I have been physically healthy enough to not see a physician after the eleven week disaster of the beginning of the year. And have not been hospitalized for mental health since March. The year improved.
This season we see a lot of runs of the movie "It's a Wonderful Life." My nephew reminded me on facebook when Clarence says to George Bailey, "you see George, you really had a wonderful life. Can't you see how it would be a shame to throw it all away?"
How many times have I struggled to not throw it away. Everyday has its struggles. But for the most part my life is GOOD! I have a wonderful husband who drives me nuts sometimes all on his own, I have a beautiful daughter and a great son-in-law. We took a trip to Colorado to stay in a cabin this fall.
I have learned that it is right to have joy. Not only is it God's will that men are that they might have joy, but it is okay to be happy about it. That sounds funny, but I'm serious. I sometimes feel guilty for feeling so good. I can be reminded in a second of people whose lives are far far worse than mine. If I dwell on that in the name of compassion (without action) all I do is bring myself down. It is good to do service and help people less fortunate. When you see someone having a hard time walking and you recognize it as what you remember feeling when your back was "out" help them by opening the door for them. If you have been in someone's shoes, you can understand their needs better. So look for opportunities. Those things bring joy. But it's okay to be happy. We each know well enough that there will be an end to that at some time, and it will come back again also. Enjoy the happiness while you have it and be compassionate to those who don't. It will be returned.
One of the greatest acts of compassion for me aside from Christ's atonement and my husband's care, mother's love, daughter's hugs and therapist's knowledge and friends' who have been in tune with the Spirit, came in the form of a nurse called Barb.
Barb worked in the psych unit and was peaceful and non-judgemental. I've known her for many years now. The last time I was in her unit was in March and I was having faith issues. I had lost 20 pounds in a month due to malnutrition, dehydration, depression, illness and stress. She was like a watchful angel. She knew me so well. She could see me struggling to get out of the deep hole that only I and God could truthfully could bring me out of. She came to my room and sat in the corner while I slept. And was there sitting in the same corner when I awoke. She didn't say much. I told her some things that only my minister, husband and therapist knew. Things that had been bottled up for 30 years, that had a strangle hold on my heart. So on top of the weight loss and illness and regular depression, I was fighting for my spiritual life and I felt very alone. She listened and didn't judge. Was not shocked by my behaviors in the past and not so at my new problem. But these "new" problems were old. I just had not dealt with them before. I swept them under the rug and pretended everything was okay. She was there.
I've often heard that when a person is grieving sometimes the best thing that you can do is listen. That was what she was doing. She wasn't just sitting there. She cared about me. She was genuinely investing her time in ME, not just a patient, a person. I have been in and out of this particular hospital probably 9 or 10 times. I even vowed not to go back due to the actions of one nurse. But I knew that I needed MY doctor this time. The one who knew my meds, not someone who decided to play russian roulet with my meds and a staff who were there for the paycheck only. I love Barb. I felt compassion from her. There have been others, many many others who have shown me compassion. But to be able to listen to me as if I were a sane person with a sick brain at the moment. I can't thank her enough. It has been months, but I'm going to send her a card.
Going into the new year I am filled with hope. And where there is hope there is everything.
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