A few days ago I felt more than normal. I felt GOOD. It was wonderful. I remember day when that was something so normal to me. Life gets complicated and mental illness does not make it any easier. I'm sure anyone with a chronic illness has felt that way, that the everyday struggle makes it difficult to have those good days. It was just so unexpected.
I'm trying to merge into the life here in my new state, the people here are wonderful, very accepting. So nice and welcoming. I was worried about what our home was going to look like, where we would live, how was the city...but they were worries that were unfounded.
But sometimes I make my own trouble. I say things that should just remain unsaid so often. I finally blew up at my husband. As I said before, I like to drive myself because it gives me a feeling of being in control of something. I don't have control over the illness except trying to keep fit and try every technique in the book to keep myself up. That's a full time job in and of itself. Anyway, we live right next to a slow-moving river that we like to go down to and sit on camp chairs and read. We were doing that the other day, My husband carried the chairs down the small hill to the water and pulled mine out. I started to put it up but he took it and finished it for me.
There is a book called The Five Love Languages. His language is service. When he does things for me he is telling me that he loves me. So he was just being nice and loving to set my chair up for me. I tried to take it back to do it myself. I got so frustrated. I wouldn't be here if it were not for him. But I need to do some things for myself. Many times I have started doing something and he has taken over for me. If I were a loving grateful wife I would just accept it and say thank you. He is such a gentleman. But no, I got frustrated and he told me to "relax, you don't have to prove that you can do everything!"
So that is how I came across. All the times of my trying to do things for myself, giving me some "control" that is so lacking in my life, it came across as trying to "prove" something. I had no idea that that was how he saw my attempts to finish a task by myself. This is why I like to drive, usually by myself otherwise I will get directions. I know that I can drive where I need to go without assistance. It is just one way to have some control. I often give it up or fight it. He has taken it to mean I can do it myself and I am "proving" it by my frustration. I will never have a GPS. I can't stand to have someone tell me how to do something that I have "proved" to a state agency that I am fully capable of doing. I already have someone in the car telling me where to turn, why would I go out and purchase a device that does the same thing?
This sounds so bitter. It's not bitterness, it is simple frustration. There are so many ways and times that help is gladly welcomed, getting something out of the car, helping me in the kitchen, tucking in a blanket when I'm sick and laying on the couch, bringing me some hot cocoa, holding my hand on a slippery walkway. This past week he surprised me with pancakes that I didn't even know he was making. See! He is a wonderful man! And I know this. I just think that we cleared up a very long misunderstanding.
There have been years where most of the time I was in depression and slept all day, did nothing around the house and know that he carried me through all that time. But now, I am capable of these things. When you have been incapacitated for any length of time and not able to do things for yourself, you welcome the opportunity.
Several years ago I had two herniated disks in my lower back and litterally could not walk. I needed help with everything or I had to drag my body across the carpet to get to the bathroom. My husband would help me up and carry my full weight to get me there.
I've been helpless. I'm ready for some control. But I don't want to do it all alone all the time either. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and appreciate the wonderful man to whom I am so blessed to be married.
A year of living like college students. Basically like living on nothing.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A New Psychiatrist, Sans Lables
I have a new psychiatrist.
After moving I tried seeing the one closest to me who was covered by my insurance. The man was arrogant, kept his back to me and asked me for a list of my medications. He recorded them on a prescription pad and gave me a month's prescription for all of them whether I needed them or not. When I told him my medical history. He asked if I was married. I told him I was and that we had been married for 30 years. He told me I was lucky, most people would have left. When I talked the the receptionist I asked if I needed to sign anything for him to obtain my records from my last psychiatrist, she said, "well you can sign something, but he probably won't request them. He likes to find things out for himself."
So.
My new psychiatrist has the same name of a famous Olympic Ice Skater. Makes it easy to remember. He's an hour and a half away, but that is alright. I'm not seeing a psychologist anymore, I just need to have my meds regulated.
After filling out forms, I met him at the door as he called me in. My husband sat and waited in the waiting room. The doctor shook my hand. He was very gentle. That was a good sign, especially when you have PTSD. We walked to his office and he pulled out a chair for me and he sat directly opposite of me with his desk inbetween. His computer was on the desk so that he didn't need to turn away from me to enter data. He asked why I was there and so I told him of my move and that I needed someone to keep an eye on my medications. Then I told him of my diagnoses.
I told him that I had asked my former Dr. to remove the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder from my chart and why. I never ever want to have to be treated the way I was by a nurse at the hospital that bordered on abuse. One look at a chart that says, BPD and they assume you are all..anyone...manipulative...doing things for attention. The worst part is, is that they think you are doing this on purpose... I don't have BPD, so I don't know if some of my actions came across that way. I don't know if people with BPD do this on purpose.. But I was assured by my psychologist and then my former psychiatrist that I do not have the disorder. Maybe I will have better luck in the future with hospitalizations. But I don't ever want to be treated in the way I was with a lable on my back.
He asked me about substance abuse. I told him that that was also something I requested to be removed from my chart. About 8-10 years ago I was on Seroquel and ONE day I felt so bad that I took one during the afternoon to sleep through it. Both he and my former doctor agreed that that did not constitute drug abuse as it is normally defined. No Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes. I stay on my medications religiously because I know what it feels like when I have been taken off of something cold turkey. I will turn around if I've left the house without taking them and drive back and be late to something rather than go even one or two hours beyond my normal time of taking them. For some reason people will go off of their meds. Feeling good, they think they are better and don't need them. But what they don't realize is that the reason they feel better is BECAUSE of the medications.
So anyway I told him a little of my background, the reasons for my PTSD, that I am bi-polar with the emphasis on depression and that I only become hypo manic, not hyper-manic. Again I used my, "I don't go out and buy a plane" analysis for my mania. I might go out and spend $70 that we don't have and clean the house and bake a cake and design a card and write a book while coloring my hair manic, but that only lasts a couple of days and then it goes down from there. I told him of my self-harm addiction which is a symptom of BPD, and that I have been "clean and sober" of it since July 1 of 2009. He was happy to hear that. I told him that I had been diagnosed as having DID or Discociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) but told him that that was from a doctor at a trauma unit and she said that I had been in an altered state. No one else has ever observed behavior such as what was displayed there, and that I believed the doctor had used some kind of hypnosis and that the experience was vague. Being a five year old with a tiny voice curled in the fetal position then climbing the couch is not my norm. So he dismissed that! Thank goodness!
It was difficult to talk about some things, telling someone new, things of the past, things I'm ashamed off, and life events that helped form who I am. When I am doing as well as I am now, it is nearly impossible to recall the person who did such harmful things. (not that I'm a different person....) we have established that I don't have that disorder. :) I was surprised that my eyes watered and got choked up about it.
But I have to say that it was a very good session. Lasted an hour! I'm so thankful for insurance. We would be on the streets with the cost of my meds and doctor appointments. Psychiatrists ARE NOT CHEAP! But you cannot get the medication you need without them. Many people who can't, self medicate with illegal drugs and alcohol. I can understand that. I might choose that path too if I didn't have any other choice. So I cannot condemn those who choose to go down it.
I told him shaking hands that I was happy to meet him and I feel like I have been blessed once more with the right person in the right place at the right time. Most likely if I need to be hospitalized again it will be within the area I live and will probably end up with the arrogant...person whom I rejected, but at least I won't be saddled with the handicaps of some of my former lables.
There is a certain freedom in that. And my heart is lighter today.
After moving I tried seeing the one closest to me who was covered by my insurance. The man was arrogant, kept his back to me and asked me for a list of my medications. He recorded them on a prescription pad and gave me a month's prescription for all of them whether I needed them or not. When I told him my medical history. He asked if I was married. I told him I was and that we had been married for 30 years. He told me I was lucky, most people would have left. When I talked the the receptionist I asked if I needed to sign anything for him to obtain my records from my last psychiatrist, she said, "well you can sign something, but he probably won't request them. He likes to find things out for himself."
So.
My new psychiatrist has the same name of a famous Olympic Ice Skater. Makes it easy to remember. He's an hour and a half away, but that is alright. I'm not seeing a psychologist anymore, I just need to have my meds regulated.
After filling out forms, I met him at the door as he called me in. My husband sat and waited in the waiting room. The doctor shook my hand. He was very gentle. That was a good sign, especially when you have PTSD. We walked to his office and he pulled out a chair for me and he sat directly opposite of me with his desk inbetween. His computer was on the desk so that he didn't need to turn away from me to enter data. He asked why I was there and so I told him of my move and that I needed someone to keep an eye on my medications. Then I told him of my diagnoses.
I told him that I had asked my former Dr. to remove the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder from my chart and why. I never ever want to have to be treated the way I was by a nurse at the hospital that bordered on abuse. One look at a chart that says, BPD and they assume you are all..anyone...manipulative...doing things for attention. The worst part is, is that they think you are doing this on purpose... I don't have BPD, so I don't know if some of my actions came across that way. I don't know if people with BPD do this on purpose.. But I was assured by my psychologist and then my former psychiatrist that I do not have the disorder. Maybe I will have better luck in the future with hospitalizations. But I don't ever want to be treated in the way I was with a lable on my back.
He asked me about substance abuse. I told him that that was also something I requested to be removed from my chart. About 8-10 years ago I was on Seroquel and ONE day I felt so bad that I took one during the afternoon to sleep through it. Both he and my former doctor agreed that that did not constitute drug abuse as it is normally defined. No Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes. I stay on my medications religiously because I know what it feels like when I have been taken off of something cold turkey. I will turn around if I've left the house without taking them and drive back and be late to something rather than go even one or two hours beyond my normal time of taking them. For some reason people will go off of their meds. Feeling good, they think they are better and don't need them. But what they don't realize is that the reason they feel better is BECAUSE of the medications.
So anyway I told him a little of my background, the reasons for my PTSD, that I am bi-polar with the emphasis on depression and that I only become hypo manic, not hyper-manic. Again I used my, "I don't go out and buy a plane" analysis for my mania. I might go out and spend $70 that we don't have and clean the house and bake a cake and design a card and write a book while coloring my hair manic, but that only lasts a couple of days and then it goes down from there. I told him of my self-harm addiction which is a symptom of BPD, and that I have been "clean and sober" of it since July 1 of 2009. He was happy to hear that. I told him that I had been diagnosed as having DID or Discociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) but told him that that was from a doctor at a trauma unit and she said that I had been in an altered state. No one else has ever observed behavior such as what was displayed there, and that I believed the doctor had used some kind of hypnosis and that the experience was vague. Being a five year old with a tiny voice curled in the fetal position then climbing the couch is not my norm. So he dismissed that! Thank goodness!
It was difficult to talk about some things, telling someone new, things of the past, things I'm ashamed off, and life events that helped form who I am. When I am doing as well as I am now, it is nearly impossible to recall the person who did such harmful things. (not that I'm a different person....) we have established that I don't have that disorder. :) I was surprised that my eyes watered and got choked up about it.
But I have to say that it was a very good session. Lasted an hour! I'm so thankful for insurance. We would be on the streets with the cost of my meds and doctor appointments. Psychiatrists ARE NOT CHEAP! But you cannot get the medication you need without them. Many people who can't, self medicate with illegal drugs and alcohol. I can understand that. I might choose that path too if I didn't have any other choice. So I cannot condemn those who choose to go down it.
I told him shaking hands that I was happy to meet him and I feel like I have been blessed once more with the right person in the right place at the right time. Most likely if I need to be hospitalized again it will be within the area I live and will probably end up with the arrogant...person whom I rejected, but at least I won't be saddled with the handicaps of some of my former lables.
There is a certain freedom in that. And my heart is lighter today.
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