Acceptance

My gosh it HAS been awhile since I have written. I have been working nearly endlessly on our house to have it ready to sell. Everyday a new project and just when you finish one you see something else that really needs to get done too. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!

This morning we accepted an offer on the house about $9,000 less than priced but that is okay. Hopefully soon my husband and I can live under the same roof again! He's not coming home for Father's day which disappointed me. I was going to take him to the IMAX in Davenport to see the 3D documentary of astronauts fixing the Hubble space telescope. I went with a friend a few days ago. It was so amazing! Just solidified my need to write my book called the Museum Collection. I'll tell you about it later.

I don't know if I wrote in here about my experience...yes I did with the hospital in Clinton Iowa. That was where I came about my release and acceptance. It was on the same lines as spirituality. I was fighting the disease, fighting the pain, feeling like every cell in my body was saturated with tears. I was raining tears unchecked down my face and I couldn't open my eyes. Finally I gave up and let it consume me. A choice, an element of control. And my spiritual wall that I have been fighting for thirty years came down and it was as if a knife was removed from my chest. This time it was more than depression, it was an awakening for me.

Not much has changed, I just feel like less of a hypocrit. I feel I have a very strong relationship with God, my heavenly Father and his Son Jesus Christ. Those are the basis of my core beliefs.

I have been feeling better over the past few weeks than I have since July of 09. I did what I had to do and said what needed to be said, and I feel I am on the even keel of God's good graces again. I won't discuss this, but it has given me the ability of choice and the acceptance of the pain passing through me cut my pain in half. Now I Know that I have more amunition to fight through, go through another bout with depression. Also I have been celebrating my good days, Thanking God for the knowledge of choice. The next bout, I will breathe, suck it in, sit quietly and let it happen and beg God for the strength to endure it.

Also lately I have been troubled by politics. I feel we are under a tyrant's thumb. When we have to sign petitions and beg for off shore drilling to continue and the answer is no.. and the president clearly does not care or listen to the people. I would like to hope that we have a chance to vote in November, but I think tyranny, unemployment, martial law are all posibilities.

I do not think I am out of my mind when I say I believe these to be the last days. Obama wants to be a dictator, he has the following of a rock star. Our country is at stake and I think it is dangerous for the president to sign executive orders that remove opportunities for this county's economic restoration. More unemployment, environmental disaster that he is s.o. yawn..p a s s i o n a t e about. His agenda is what he is pushing and doesn't give a crap about any one or any thing this country is telling him. we have elected a king, and we are peasants without a voice. I don't know if we will have the opportunity to vote, and in one city with a large latino population, they started a new voting system that gives the latinos 6 votes. They can use those votes in different areas of the ballot, or use all 6 behind one candidate. What has this country come to?

Am I afraid? I have to say that I am. But my feeling of acceptance of things is what is going to get me through. All I can say is buckle up America we are in for the ride of our lives!

God Was My Co-Pilot

It has been a while since I have written. Mostly things have been going well. I had a car accident which has changed my perspective a bit.

I was on my way home from Decatur Illinois, merging into the Interstate 72 around Springfield. It was one of those.. you get on while someone is crossing to get off. I do not know how this happened, I just know I ran into a semi while trying to get on. Going about 65mph. My driver's side mirror crashed against my window immediately and I had a vision that "this is it" I didn't think I was going to make it. I said, "Oh, Crap!" as I straightened my steering wheel out. I was sure I was going to jerk the wheel and over-correct I was sure I was going to spin and end up in the bottom of a lot of metal. But I straightened out, the semi kept going straight. And we both pulled over to the shoulder.

All I could say was "I'm sorry". I didn't cry, wasn't too confused or distracted. Called my insurance, called the police, talked to a witness who pulled over behind us. The truck driver was fine, he checked out his damage and it was basically a couple scratches. I was fine, my car didn't really get hurt too bad, the mirror was hanging by a thread, there were deep gashes along my side of the car, bent fender and bumper and the driver's side back window shattered.

I had been working on our house so long and concentrated on that that I didn't realize that my licence had expired as well as the tags on my car. So two tickets. Illegal lane usage and driving without a license. I have a court date of July 8 in a courthouse in Springfield.

Now here is the interesting part. In my mind's eye at the instant my mirror got hit I just KNEW that my number was up. Now knowing my past history of depression and suicidal ideation I realized when I got to the side of the road...I missed my golden opportunity. Had I over corrected or swerved at all, I wouldn't be here. Or there would be little left of me. To me that meant that God wants me to stay around here a while longer. I felt a little upset, because I have only had three tickets in 30 years, and I don't think I will be in that situation again. I would be gone in an instant and not on purpose. But I am still here. And I feel fine! I feel good in fact. And I did have an opportunity to be gone and with God's help at the wheel and organic self preservation I avoided it.

As I said, I didn't cry, I was calm, was interviewed by the insurance adjuster for the other vehicle and was very calm with the police. I think he must have thought I was having a difficult day, therefore he didn't give me a ticket due to expired plates (the front of which had been stolen the week before!)

I have been feeling well and have not been dreading the future. It can all change, I understand that, that is the nature of the beast of Bi-Polar, but I have a lot of ammunition in my coping skills department.

Monday I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist and he couldn't believe how well I was doing. The med adjustment was spot on, and because Irecord! Actually I may not be living in Iowa, we are negotiating a price with potential buyers for our house! I am making the most of every day I feel good! I practice my skills when I start to get edgy. But most of all I am allowing myself to ENJOY my day! It's a wonderful life at present.

Just don't get me started on politics and Freedom. My anger there would fill volumes.

Have a great day!