Saying goodbye. The sound of silence feels better.

This is the end of this blog. I feel that I have said everything I ever want to say, at least for a very long time. The last thing I wrote to my family got one member mad at me and I will never know if I was forgiven because he died less than a month after receiving the letter. I tried calling, I tried to enlist another member of my family to pass the word along that I was sorry he was upset. I never got to talk to him again.
I'm very opinionated. I'm honest and not afraid to talk about my disorders as I have in the past. It was mostly started as a day by day account of my transitioning from pharmacutical medication to vitamins, minerals and amino acids to treat bi-polar disorder. My first blogs were about mental illness and the fight with which I deal, day in and day out. My brother had depression as well. I feel I laid one too many burdens upon him, brought back a conversation that only he, I and God were privy to. I will never know how badly this affected him. I feel the weight upon my heart every day. I'm working with my psychologist from Iowa City on a weekly basis by phone to work through the guilt I feel.
It was not suicide, but it was tragic anyway. I always considered him a friend above being my brother. We could always talk, somehow we would get through disagreements, sometimes major ones, but we knew we loved each other and had each survived our young lives and lived to adulthood. We didn't pass down the "techniques" that were used on us in our formative years. All four of us "kids" made it out and became productive successful members of society. I ended up on disability due to mental illness and he ended up on disability due to a stroke. This was added on to his depression and didn't make it any easier to cope with.
When I was suicidal the first call I made was to him because I knew he would understand what I was feeling like no one else in my family could. I loved his laugh, he was a good father and husband a very supportive dad and grandpa. He loved those little ones. they come into the house and ask for Papa and he is not there.
It is still not real to me. I sent sympathy cards to his family probably saying all the wrong things. Short is best when it comes to sympathy cards. Short is better.
I'm working on forgiving myself for causing him extra pain at the end of his life. And that we never got to work this one out. I blame myself.
In psychology patients are taught to create a "safe place" where you can go and be alone and no one can be there unless you want them there. My safe place was always walking beside the still water with Christ, then being able to sit at his feet and rest my head on his lap and let him smooth his hand over my hair. That is healthy. Two days ago an new "safe place" entered my mind. I felt I had opened my mouth, used my pen, my keyboard one too many times and all I wanted was to be in a dumpster, alone with the lid down where I couldn't hurt anyone anymore with my words. If anybody reads this which is highly unlikely, one of them may be my friend Lynne. I can hear her soothing my mind and telling me that what I did was just honest and that I wanted my family back. Well, I am down to two siblings and no parents. From a family of six to a family of three and I'm not even 50 yet. It makes you grow up finally to know how individually precious each person is. And how empty your life can be when that one person is gone. I accepted my parents' deaths. But it is hard to accept my brother's. It couldn't happen any other way, I'm nearly 100% sure, but it is still not real to me. I think about it and then it blows my mind. I didn't get to say goodbye.
So I'm saying goodbye here. I have been very vast and liberal with my words, spreading them out there where not one part of my life was sacred. I thought I helped some people. Some said so. I think it was cathartic for me to write. Well, I'll be doing my writing in my journals from this point on and for the benefit of my heart, soul, and mind. I was in a "different place" when I wrote that last letter to my brother, to my family. And now I'm in a new place. A silent one. I will not be showing up on facebook quite so regularly with posts. I'll still keep an eye out and see what people are doing and comment when I feel so inclined. I just feel the need to keep my lips together and my thoughts to myself.
I probably won't be writing any more letters at all anymore except in gratitude for people who have helped me over every bad time I have been through. Those who have made my life worth it and who have convinced me that I need to be here.
So, anyway, Even though I didn't get to say goodbye to my brother, I'm saying goodbye to you.
If I could ask one more request, could you continue to pray for my family and the Canaga family in general. There is a huge heaviness we are standing under at this time. Take care. And thanks for supporting me in this blog when you had the chance to read it.

Collages, color, photography and perfume

I just got done going through some magazines. I love to make collages and I look for colorful ads and photos to rip. That's my style. And some things to cut precisely. So I chose a magazine that I had looked at while at the Y about a year ago called "InStyle" it is a fashion magazine and I'm thinking, "yeah, right...me and a fashion magazine.." almost an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp. But I was in the middle of doing some photography projects and was needing inspiration and they were literally full of gorgeous photography. So far killing two birds with one stone. Then today I decided, "you know, we really do have a ton of magazines.. I should probably go through them just to pick out the best pages and pitch 'em." But then two other reasons to keep them came up. At Next of Kiln they are going to be figuring out how to make baskets by recycling magazines for the basket material. Definitely want to do that (whenever that class happens) I am not a pack rat. I used to be but not any more. I sift through and sort and toss. I turn my collages into postcards to send to friends. Anyway Anyway Anyway I found one more fun thing to do with the magazines...which InStyle is full of and that is the perfume ads!!!!!

Now is this cheap or what? Have you never sat in a doctors exam room with a magazine and secretly spread the perfume on your neck and wrists? Or am I the only one to admit it? SO... I've got a collection of Coach, Giorgio Armani, Donna Karan, Oscar de la Renta, Calvin Klein...blah blah, blah blah. So my idea is to take scissors and trim next to the flap that is adhered to the back of the page and then clip two inch segments of the strip and keep one or two in my purse for emergencies! I barely wear perfume so these would be used for church. Someone might say, "hmm, you smell nice.. what are you wearing?" and I could reply, "page 45!"

I know some people really abhor perfume ads and you don't always find them in Women's Day or Real Simple magazines. My subscription is going to run out and I don't think I'm going to subscribe again although I have found SO MANY uses for it now... I'll have to think about it. That is my tip of the day.

Have a great one!

Cancelled Satellite TV,& YMCA. Going to tapes and Wii, religious views and daughter's new job

A few things came up over the past six weeks and I've not had the opportunity to write. First of all my daughter got a new job in South Dakota. She had been working as a server in a high-end restaurant at a resort in Riverside Iowa and was approached by the CEO of that restaurant and the new general manager for a new resort in northern Iowa. They asked if she would consider working as the manager of the new steakhouse in the new resort. She turned them down the first time they asked after interviewing because she had no supervisory experience. They called back and really wanted her for HER not her experience. She was the one they wanted and she took it. She moved up to South Dakota right across the border from Iowa and 15 minutes from the resort. Things have been going really well for her. I went up and spent the month of May with her since her husband couldn't come up just right then and we thought it would be best if she had someone to come home to after some stressful days doing something so huge and new. She asked too. I didn't just barge in. We had a very good time together and she has had a great opening night and things are going well.

I went for four weeks without tv, radio or internet. It was blissful. I did get a little homesick but was torn when I had to go home. It's not very often that a mom gets to spend four weeks with her grown and married daughter just one on one. I loved it. She gave us her Wii with Wii fit! I am so excited. We just need to trade our tv for one with enough plugins for it to work. We're going to SD in July and we're trading with our daughter and son-in-law for theirs.

Now I'm home and this coming Monday I will have a meeting with Cara Campbell of Macon Resouces to work on my business plan for "You've got the Stuff" a "use what you have" decorating business. I plan to help people use the things they already own to make their home attractive. I think it is a good idea. People have made money on things like that and the economy is something that would be an advantage. I need to do a SWOT analysis and come up with the business plan. And I need to design a logo. That is the easy part.

I have also been introduced to the website fiverr. I will do .... for five dollars. The website gets one dollar and you make 4 for every transaction. I have looked at the site and I believe I have something someone would pay $5 for: Taking their picture that they provide and incorporate it into a masterpiece using photoshop. I have a magician friend who has been doing magic tricks on video for children over fiverr and has accumulated a nice amount of money in his bank account. So, I will see about it.

We have cancelled Satellite tv all together now. and we will be cancelling the Y as well. For ten dollars you can get a workout DVD and keep it. They really work. And I save the gas that I would have spent going to the Y. With gas prices the way they are... Also at Family Video you can get workout tapes for free to keep for a few days.

Walking is also free as is running. I just have to go somewhere off the highway to do such a thing.

So we are continuing to tighten our belts...although I have gained weight. Blast it! I'm looking for a summer dress or two that I can wear around the house and out on hot days. There seems to be a trend in STYLE magazine where summer dresses seem to be in again. I love dresses. If I can find a simple way of converting two identical t-shirts into one dress I will try that first, then CATO's

My most recent blog involved sending out letters that people tell you you should never send. Well I did it and one was returned. The letter to my old employer was sent back due to her having moved three years ago. I was so grateful! I reread it and realized I really shouldn't do anything so stupid on the spur of the moment.

The other letters, those to my family got where they were going. I had a phone call that requested I NEVER send a letter again, got a letter saying they had moved on, but I got two thumbs up from a couple of people on my husband's side of the family. When your family falls apart it is tough. When both sides are not talking to each other I get a feeling of being lost.

My religious views have not changed. I have had some correspondence from best friends who are helping me through what I see as a stone wall to my faith. I will correct that... my faith in God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost are as strong as ever, my faith in the institution is on shaky ground. I wish in a way that I never would have admitted my innermost feelings, but I couldn't do that and be honest. So I am doing the best I can. I may go to church tomorrow anyway. 85% of what I experience at church is positive. And I want to increase the love in my home again and have something in common with my husband again.

Today...today I will work out and go to the plasma center and donate.

Have a great day today!

Blowing it Big Time! They say you're not supposed to send the letter...

Seems like I've been having the most sleepless nights on record. Good fodder for doing stupid things. Like writing to a past employer things I always wanted to say and actually mailed it! WHAT?! you may ask. Yes, it's true.

There was an extremely difficult time in my life when a bomb was dropped on me the morning of an interview with said employer. My father unexpectedly passed away as I was getting ready to go to the interview. Blew my life apart. I couldn't get a plane ticket until the next day, and the Publisher was only going to be there that one day, It was March 11, 1999. I didn't know what to do. I was in shock. I couldn't go to comfort my mom, I couldn't do anything but try to take it in.

I had also baked and decorated a cake for a former co-worker in the same town because she became a new grandma. Stunned and numb, my husband drove, I figured if I could get to the newspaper and see my friends there, see how I do, if I was in any shape I would go on to the interview to be an art director for a book and magazine publishing company. I went. I remember one question, "Do you like to do research?" "Yes, I love researching things and I would be willing to find the best artists and styles and be cutting edge." That is all I remember about the interview. I think I mentioned something about HiLights magazine... I got the job. The then-current art director met with me and offered me the job, asked me what I paid my references to say the things they did and then I told her, My dad died this morning.

They wanted me to start work the following Monday so I could be trained by her in everything, but I said I needed to spend the time in California with my family so I missed my opportunity to be properly trained. And book publishing and newspaper publishing are as different as night and day. There is much more time for high quality work.

When that bomb went off in my life it was like, My house was just bombed, Now how do I do that color separation again? A job I have ingrained in my blood due to the years of graphics. My brain fell apart, my heart stopped, my life took a nose dive into a deep depression and I had a new job to do. My confidence was shot. The person who was supposed to do extraordinary work couldn't remember how to tie her shoes.

I was not your model employee, not the employee I had been that all my references knew. And all this company knew of me was broken. Bad turned to worse and between depression and attitude on all sides there were things I held resentment for and have held it in for years. I tried roll play, EMDR, therapy, talking it to death. I finally decided to set the record straight as far as my perspective in the way things went. I eventually resigned after going into the hospital due to suicidal Ideation. I was 'this' close. It was my dad who saved me, Christ really, but I knew that that was not what my dad would want, as much as I wanted to be with him.

So, I gave my former employer an explaination of maybe why I was the way I was, but things that I had left unsaid, I finally said. I addressed it, stamped it and my husband carried it to the mailbox for me with the other regular bills. He doesn't know about it. And now I am freaking out because, WHAT have I done? I can't think of one good thing that can come out of this. I thought it would take the burden off my shoulders, but instead it has stirred it up. Rather than put it to rest, I worry now about how she is going to receive my words. I am trying to be a good Christian and what have I done? I've done the thing that people always say they are going to do but don't because they value their job. It has been 11 years since I left, I only stayed with them for a year and a half but at the end I was ostracized. I know I have talked about that here before. But this time I told the person who was not in the building 75% of the time what went on, how I was treated, the depression, everything. And now I am "getting, getting that off my chest, off my chest" here.

If anyone reads this, please comment. I feel horrible. How do I send an "I'm sorry" card?

This has nothing to do with living like college students except the fact that I sent the letter is something someone in high school or college would do. I was just trying to put it to rest. What a mistake.

And that's all I have to say about that.

A new job, weeding, doubt but positive attitude.

Well, here we go again...another change. A 180 degree turn around from starting my own business and staying on disability. My goal has always been to get off of disability when the time was right. I have been out of the hospital for well over a year now and am feeling well. I was offered the job of a "weeder" for a place called Dynagraphics which does decals for automobiles, signs, you name it they can print it.

The "Weeder" takes the excess material off of decals that have been cut into the adhesive material. I met with the owners today and showed them my portfolio and they said that what they could offer me was not very much pay, $9.25 hr. and it would be full time, and nothing really to do with graphics, although they promote from within whenever possible. So they told me about the insurance option, vacation pay, one week in one year, two weeks after five. They showed me the production department and what I would be doing. It isn't hard, but you need fingernails to do it. There I have no problem. The "decals" are like the length of a car. Some are as small as 24" x 36".

I would need to stand all day in one place to do the work. That scares me more than anything. I haven't had a job that required that in at least 10 years. But I know I can do it. There, I will be positive about it! Done.

So the job is mine if I want it I need to give them my decision by tomorrow. And I already called my case worker and told her I would take it.

Bob figured out how much I would bring home a month, about a thousand take home pay. And if we put all of that to our bills we will be out of debt besides our house somehwat quickly.

Then I convinced him to donate plasma with me. So we can bring in $400 a month that way. Not bad for spending 45 minutes sitting down reading a book. That is what convinced him. Not that it isn't slightly uncomfortable, but it isn't enough to keep me from doing it.

As far as the job goes, I figure that would help me lose weight. It will help keep me on a consitent schedule of eating. Eat the right foods and that'll help. Bob said that we could share a ride to work at least three days a week. That will help us as far as gasoline is concerned.

I will not get on my high horse, I will not get on my high horse, I will not get on my high horse. Politics will not be part of this entry.

I have been writing, finishing Silent Witness and needing to interview people for the Museum Collection. I guess I will be doing that over the phone or on weekends.

I will try to do my "use what you have" decorating business evenings and weekends. When that takes off I will discontinue my job, even if it is only part time. I don't even know what I'm thinking taking a full time job! What is wrong with me?! I don't think I'm ready for that! Breathe...breathe...breathe... I will give it a try.

Bob said that we could put the plasma money to use as fun money or something, save for Christmas...whatever. I want to put it all toward bills and get the heck out of debt! Going to the movies once in a while will be okay. And he said I could get an iPod to listen to audio books while working, that is what the owner said people do. Perk! So now I will have to find one just right for me. That sounds fun!

Yesterday I hemmed three pairs of pants to wear for work or for an interview. Well, I will be wearing jeans to work, definitely. I'm happy I still fit into them, but my upper body carries most of my weight. That is frustrating. I still wish that I were more pear shaped like "normal" women, and have a neck and thinner face. Oh well, I will always resemble Magilla Gorilla. With nail polish.

And that's all I have to say about that. Until next time.

72 hour kits, starting a business, chickens and gardening

Hmm, well, it has been a while since I last wrote. I was venting over political and world events. I have been purposely staying away from such news as it does nothing more than aggravate the heck out of me! I do want to know what is going on in the world, but I think I was just overloaded during my last post.

We, my husband and I, each have a 72 hour kit that we keep in case of disaster. They are basic necessities, toiletries, first aid, food, clothing, folding cook stove, water supply, etc. These are contained in a regular backpack you can buy at Walmart. I have added my meds to each of them, They are equipped for two people if necessary. The news showing disasters world wide makes it very sensible to have one of these. Bob keeps his in the car, I think I will put mine there as well, so in case of a need to evacuate it will be in a good location. I suppose if the car is being worked on, I will just bring it home with me. I thought about carrying it around all the time, I mean, you never know where you will be when disaster strikes. But I'm keeping it in the car.

I know I have talked about giving plasma. It is really not much different than giving blood and a lot more rewarding in a couple ways. The center I go to there are about 24 stations of recliner-type chairs you sit on, and you're hooked to a machine. The blood is drawn, plasma is separated from your blood then your blood is returned to you through the same tube with saline to rehydrate. It takes about 45 minutes if you are a quick bleeder like I am. They tell you it can take anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half. I have yet to have it take an hour and a half.

The rewards? Well, there is an entirely new group of people you get to know. You see them and it becomes somewhat social. You are donating something that can't be manufactured to be used in drugs to save a life, and you are paid for your time. You get a good feeling knowing you are helping someone else. The money is electronically placed on a visa card that you can use at a store or call in to activate it with a PIN number so you can use it at an atm. I'm really happy that there is a center for this so close to us. But because I have come down with an infection I don't know if I'll be able to donate for a while, but I will continue to when I am able. If you have the place available for such a thing as this I would encourage it, if for nothing more than the good feeling you get. A few extra dollars to pay down some debt is a bonus.

I have decided to start a business. I'm going to call it, "You've Got the Stuff!", a "use what you have" concept for decorating. I will go into someone's home and we will "shop" their house and find the furniture, lamps, rugs, shelves, art work and I will arrange it and put the things on the walls in an attractive way. I've done this before for a few people and I was a set designer for many years both in Michigan and Iowa. Those are my credentials including the fact that I have been a graphic artist for 28 years both in regular jobs and freelance. So if you are interested or know of someone who is, let me know. I think it will be fun! I figure since I have been out of the traditional job market for ten years, I thought going on a new adventure is appropriate. So wish me luck.

Bob and I haven't been doing much of anything exciting really. I go to Next of Kiln ceramic studio and sculpt and glaze and paint preformed ceramic things at a low cost and gives me hours of enjoyment. With my illness, it is a self soothing exercise that I can afford. I have made a good friend in the owner of the shop, Regina Rhodes. We have just clicked from the first meeting. Going to her studio is like a kid in a candy store. Or to think of it, like me in a candy store.

We have saved money by renting movies in the "nearly new" section of the video store getting two movies for a $1 for five nights. We don't watch movies as our only source of entertainment. We are in the middle of a book that I'm reading aloud about a girl from Switzerland who ends up in the Canadian wilderness after an abusive childhood. It isn't graphic, just the way she starts out in life. We are not going to sign up for net flix I don't think although their advantage is they have a huge selection of titles whereas the video store only has so many. We'll see. We may sign up down the road.

This year we are going to vacation in our own yard. There are things we want to be doing, landscaping, felling a tree to have logs for around our firepit and we will be home in the fall to harvest our peaches and grapes. We have received blackberry bushes in the mail and hope they will bring something this year. We will be planting a garden and I will be doing canning for the first time. I am in a better place mentally. There were years that I couldn't even do laundry or wash the dishes because I was on the couch. I'm looking forward to a garden and canning. We are looking at getting chickens both for the eggs and to butcher if necessary. I'm hoping Bob will teach me how to fish in the river behind the house. We want to become much more self sufficient. Getting out of debt is just part of it.

We are also planning on getting a dog. We'll get one from a shelter who needs a home. I can hardly stand to go in there because I want to take them all home! But hopefully we will be able to find a golden retriever or other dog that communicates with us that "I hid under your porch because I love you" type of sentiment (from the movie UP!)

We are very proud of our daughter for getting a job offer she tried to, but couldn't really refuse. That will help her and her husband get out of debt faster than they are able to now.

I suppose buying chickens isn't something college students would do, and planting a garden might not be either, but we think it is something that will be good for us in the long run. And I have been waiting for my husband to teach me how to fish for 30 years. I actually cast a line a little over a week ago and reeled it in about five times, so I guess I didn't have to wait for him. And with a river behind the house I won't wait for him. We have poles, I am going to do it myself. Then go "eww" when I learn how to clean the fish.

And that's all I have to say about that. Till next time, have a great day!

State park, graphics, Washington Post, genius, & a white flag

To begin, welcome to my blog! So nice of you to stop in. I'm trying to find ways to live on less and get out of debt. Living like college students (my husband and I) is what we are trying to do. So I like to find things that cost nothing that are fun to do. One of those things I love is taking pictures. I met up with a couple of friends, just getting to know them so I feel a little precarious in the situation, but we had a good time. We went to Weldon Springs state park near Clinton, IL. BEAUTIFUL! I can't wait to take Bob there. There are tent, trailer and RV camping spots, day camping areas and group camps. There is a large...huge lake, (bigger than Pollmiller, smaller than Lake Michigan and Lake Decatur). We first met and had hotdogs for lunch over a fire then s'mores. After that we took off on a hike. I didn't realize just how big the lake was and we went all around it.

Great walking trails, places to fish, checked out some camping spots and found a couple of snakes. Baby ones. Down one creek on the shore were John boats and paddle boats. I used to use a John boat to preserve what sanity I had at the time by rowing out on Pollmiller lake in Westpoint, IA. But this lake is one I could really get a workout in and float about for hours. I don't know how much these will rent for, but the ones at Pollmiller cost $5 an hour or $10 per day. It also cost $1 to get in. This park is free admission. I look forward to more hikes, boat rides and photos in the future. I'd like to go to see the Chevrolet car museum soon. I'm not crazy about cars, but my husband says it's amazing. Two forms of entertainment for little or nothing.

I got up at 6 a.m. this morning and checked out a couple of terms in graphics so the company I applied to wouldn't think I'm an entire idiot if called in for an interview. I haven't worked with RIP raster image processing or large digital UVCurable flatbed printers, so I looked them up and feel confident that given a short amount of time that I would be able to work with both. We'll see if they actually have a short amount of time in which to have someone learning on the job. But I sent off my resume this morning. The job is in Arthur, nine miles away and is a well kept secret because it sounds like they do quite a big job in that tiny town of a mostly Amish community.

And now I need to set up a small soap box on the corner of my blog here. I read an article by Cal Thomas who was refering to the attitude of mainstream media and how out of touch with people they are. He went back to a 1993 column where he commented on Michael Weisskopf who said in the Washington Post that evangelicals were "largely poor, uneducated and easy to command." This is taken out of context, but many so called uneducated evangelicals who are professionals wrote in to counter his claim where upon he changed his statement saying he meant to say that "most" evangelicals were "poor, uneducated and easy to command." This triggered several more protests so the Post ombudsman at the time, Joann Bird tried to defend Weisskopf by saying that readers needed to understand that most journalists don't know any of "those people." And, Cal Thomas says, "And the big media wonder why they are losing audiences, money and credibility."

Sarah Palin on facebook had the heading of her article, which I didn't read, as: "Mainstream media, should we wave the white flag or persist?" It is so disheartening to know that the mainstream media is so liberal, does not show both sides, like a pile driver hammering their points into the collective head of Americans who actually believe their propoganda. It makes one feel like throwing up ones hands and saying, "go ahead, lets be socialists, I believe Obama, of course we aren't up to our necks in debt, the stimulus worked, healthcare isn't going to cost us anything, we are much better off than we were two years ago, Obama has created a million jobs! (don't know where they are) possibly they are in the billions of dollars of redundancies in Washington..." I don't want to give up. But when the left throws out its epithets no one in the media gives a crap! Try putting any of their words in a Conservative's mouth and they would be stoned! Double standards everywhere.

NPR supporter George Soros donated $1 Billion dollars to the tax payer funded radio outlet. And the tax payers are still paying in spite of their decreasing staff due to outrageous statements unfortunately caught on tape. A ficticious person claiming to be part of the Muslim Brotherhood was caught on tape offering to donate $5 million and the person with NPR said they didn't necessarily have to report that to the IRS...(I am not in favor of secret taping)

South Park's creators' toilets have finally overflowed and they have a new broadway musical out called "The Book of Mormon." Athiests trashing the "cheesy" church and its members. "We could have picked anyone, Muslim, or mainstream Christian but Mormons just smile and their commercials are so cheesy it was an easy pick." Touting four letter words in the lyrics and bathroom humor which so many high school sophomores and younger appreciate, they should be in line for a Tony.

Crossroads GPS organization has filed a lawsuit against the Obama Administration for failing to respond to their FOIs (Freedom of Information act requests) which every American citizen has a right to file. They wanted information about the cost of the Andy Griffith ad that touted Obamacare. It cost the taxpayers $3,600,000 for that advertisement. And the administration was not forthcoming about the cost. It should take 20 days after a FOI request is filed for that information to be processed and then received. The Obama Administration has not been complying with that law on several accounts from both Liberal and Conservative standpoints. Crossroads also wants to know where $120 million dollars and more that was donated to the Obama and Democratic campaigns were from labor unions and why are these entities entitled to waivers allowing them to not participate in the Healthcare plan. Who exactly is eligible for waivers?

There is a 12 year old University student (He was a University student at the age of 8) is trying to disprove the big bang theory. An incredible genius he learned all his high school math including trigonomotry and Calculus in one week, he has turned to the astonomical scientific question of how the world began and has some intelligent ideas backed by scientific fact. I'd like to see him work on disproving global warming personally, but proving God exists is a much more worthy cause.

As I have said here in so many words before, I am in the process of defining my beliefs. I believe in an all-knowing, all-powerful, Almighty God whose son is Jesus Christ. He died for my sins and all who have ever lived on the planet. I worship Him and try to live His words. I believe that these are the last days and the line has been drawn in the sand. I want to be standing on the right side of equation here. I don't think trashing Mormons is the way to go, I don't think trashing evangelicals in general is the way, I don't think withholding information when you are an administration is the way to get into God's graces either. I admire a genius who questions the believed theory that we came from utter nothingness. His question: "I'm not worried about the hydrogen and the helium, it is the carbon that is lacking." His IQ is higher than Einstein's and he is expanding on Einsteins theory of relativity, but in his spare time is solving this problem. There is talk from one of his professors that this child could win the Nobel prize, and there are some who say, well, give it to him now if we give the award out to those with good intentions, i.e. Obama.

I don't want my taxes to go to corrupt organizations which I think NPR is, or a Healthcare bill that had to be passed before we could know what was in it.

Off my soap box. I just want to manage my life, do a little good, get out of debt, enjoy my family, do honest work and worship God. When I get up at 6 a.m. and see this mess, not the genius I think that is incredible, but the corruption and arrogance, it makes me want to go back to bed and give it up. Put up the white flag so to speak. But this is still a free country and I'm not shutting my mouth.

Unearthing THE book, Silent Witness and giving it another shot.

I just unearthed a stack of papers six inches high that included one complete typed copy of the book I wrote in '02 that had been corrected and two other versions that had been edited and proofed by my friend Cecilia and my husband Bob who double checked it. I was as Cecilia said, "at a different place" in my life at the time.

I had gone to Colorado after being fired from my job as a graphic artist due to mental illness. I had a lawsuit underway against the paper and I needed a break. In a funny aside, I remember the day that I had my talk with the publisher of the paper and picking up my final paycheck. I told the receptionist afterward when she asked, "so what are you going to do?", I told her, "I'm going to Colorado." "Is your husband coming too?" "No." By the time I got to a friend's house in Donnellson from Keokuk, she had heard that I was moving to Colorado and leaving my husband! I was taking a month and a half break out at my mom's house.

That is where I wrote the book. It was spring in Loveland, Colorado, 25 miles from Estes Park in the Rockies. I spent a lot of time laying out in the sun, writing, listening to my mom's soap opera through the screen of her sliding glass door. We spent a lot of time together. I would write in long hand and later in the day type it up on her computer, save it to a disk and later when I got home transfered it using simple text to my mac. My mac died and I have this stack of papers that I am preparing to re-write in first person instead of third. Twenty six chapters and each one needs work. But, and here is where the financial part comes in, Bob has mentioned to me different times that what we really need is for me to actually publish one of my books in order to make money on it.

So. There it is. The story takes place beginning in 1980. It has sat on my shelf too long. Time to giterdone!

I have an aunt who occasionally reads this blog who has always been encouraging me to "finish" it. So Helen, if you are reading, I'm working on it.

I think if I type one chapter per day I'll be doing good. I could probably type up two or three of the smaller chapters in a day, but I will give myself that pace and see how I do.

I also have illustrations that need to be finalized for my book, The Visitors of Pompadour, so I plan to work on one illustration every other day to set that as my goal. At the same time...I need to keep looking for jobs. I haven't heard from the newspaper but there is need of a graphic artist at a factory in Arthur. I am going to get more information about their plant and what exactly the programs needed are.

So those are my attempts at "work" and earning extra money. I have kept my driving to short distances by myself. The cost of going to Wisconsin was really not that bad considering the distance. We're doing okay.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Clothes, jobs, church, painting, scrapbooking and life story, not much new.

This hasn't been a very good month for budgeting and sticking to it. I needed some clothes. I haven't bought jeans in over a year and unfortunately have outgrown one pair. Having applied for two positions at the newspaper I found that if I were to get one of the jobs I would have to wear something other than my tweety pajamas. I did go and get some things to wear. There is a thrift shop on Monroe and Wood streets here in Decatur that sell clothing that is brought in in large part from doctor's wives who work at St. Mary's and Decatur Memorial Hospital. So there was quite a selection.

I did apply for the job of Copy Editor which I think I would really like and then the paper came out the next day with a job as graphic artist. The problem with the graphic artist job is that they use Flash Technology which is a program that I have no experience with. I have not worked in ten years!!! And I'm at the age where...who is going to hire me? I've been around since we were using lino-type and amberlith for color separations and paste up to where we print right to negative. I would like to get a phone call but I'm not going to hold my breath. I have printed right to negative, but now they are posting everything to the internet and that is where my problem comes in. I have no doubt that I would learn it. Newspapers are just such a fast paced atmosphere that you'd better learn it quick or you'll get run over.

And the past few days I have been in depression. Part of it is from spiritual decisions which I have had to make that are difficult, and part of it is from being on a depression panel where some of the discussion triggered memories that I didn't need to access. I've been on panels before and have given speeches on depression and haven't come away feeling the way I did on Saturday. So I spent Sunday and Monday in Bed and slept until noon today, just not wanting to face the world. I have a call into my psychiatrist to let him know what is happening. He called back but my phone wasn't within reach and I got there too late. Then he was at lunch. So we'll see. Right now I am on the crux of two important things happening in my life, church, and hopefully a job.

At church I was asked to be the preparedness supervisor and I initially said yes, but the more I thought about it I have to call and tell them no. Not now. My mind is saturated, I can't even talk about it without strong feelings hitting me. It is tough to talk to friends because this is such an individual decision. I feel like my brain can only take in so much and then it goes straight to emotion. I feel like the kid in the Far Side cartoon who has this little head and says, "Excuse me, can I go now, my brain is full."

One of the joys of the digital era is being able to take pictures of everything and not have to worry about the printing cost of the film. That was quite a cost when I was scrapbooking. I need to do scrapbooking again. It is an inexpensive hobby and makes me happy. The cost comes in the form of printer ink. Although I have done some picture pages on the computer in layers in photoshop. I think I'm going to take some of my "picture of the day" pictures and make scrapbook pages in photoshop. I can always scan in background paper and stickers. I bought a stack of page protectors for that very purpose a while back but had forgotten about them until now. Now I have a new project. I don't plan on doing anything about it until I work on my paintings to sell in Arthur though.....*I also have to hem my new pants...* there are a lot of things that need to be done before having fun with the picture pages. Reminds me of the Bill Cosby children's show with picture pages.

I have been writing my life story. Kind of like using my journalling time, I started in chronological order and have split into vacations, discipline, me and mom, etc. I try to keep it all chronological but I end up off on a tangent. I have scanned in some pictures of my grandparents and family members in order to make it more personal. It is of course colored by my memory which is not very good at times, but it will be uniquely my own, just as my siblings, should they write, would unique and their own stories too.

Today I need to paint, I need to exercise and I need to pick up my form from the doctor's office so that I can donate plasma. Still haven't done that yet. It is still realtively early in the day.

Have a great day!

Job possiblities, depression panel, new internet, selling paintings

Back on the subject.

Yesterday I was at Macon Resources, an agency that helps people on disability go back to work. I applied at Kohls and I found a job at the newspaper that needs a copy editor. I haven't applied for that since it is from 5 to 11 and it isn't in the best part of town to be after dark. I did get my resume typed up with changes and the agent helping me couldn't do something on his computer so I was able to help him, he said, "you're the graphic artist, help me!" So I got his problem fixed. Made me feel good to assist.

We're doing well on our food budget, but our miscellaneous budget is straining. I have made very few trips in the car lately.

I was asked again to be on the depression panel at church and I agreed. Even if the subject was one I wanted to avoid, I think I've "been at it long enough" to bring some light to the subject to those who are dealing with it and what things are helpful. I will bring my depression "first aid kit" that is simply a box that is hinged and looks like a book with special things in it like tea, favorite socks, perfume, a journal, etc. I think having a visual aid will be different. There are very few visual aids you can come up with when talking about depression since it such an "inside" job.

Interesting, I just got a phone call from the Bishop's executive secretary. He wants to see me tomorrow evening at 6. Probably something from the Stake President that he would like to talk to me about. Perhaps I won't be participating on the panel after all. We will see. It won't break my heart if that happens. I highly doubt if it has to do with any kind of calling. The secretary said he wanted to see me tonight or tomorrow. Bob is going to be home this evening so I am taking tonight to be with him.

I'm easy. No reason to worry about it. I'll either be on the panel or I won't. I'll either be asked to be a librarian or I won't. You never know with church appointments.

Sorry for the interruption.

Today I switched our internet from an air card with U.S. Cellular which makes me restart my internet connection every 15 to 20 minutes to "Wild Blue" through Dish Network. It is for people who live in rural areas. Since we reduced our viewing channels this brings the cost back up to our original Dish Network bill, but at least now we will have decent internet reception without breaking our budget too badly.

I haven't been to the Y since My brother came to visit. But I have been doing Zumba, and saving gas.

I also haven't been going to weight watchers for the past couple of weeks, I'm too afraid to get on the scale. I know what my scale says, but it is really off compared to the Y and to weight watchers, so I look at the number on the scale and add 6 or 7 pounds. Not good. And my body is not as toned as it was a week ago. Waa waaa. poor me. Oh well, it is my own fault.

I will be selling some of my paintings since John has encouraged me, I just haven't brought them in from the garage, but I will do that when I get off the computer. They are very close to being done, just a few fine touches with a fine brush and I'll be in business. One canvas which is a 30" x 40" canvas I just need to paint around the sides. These paintings are not going to be framed. I may have to start stretching my own canvases then I can get a wrap around canvas look and not the staples along the side. I did come up with a way to make four canvases into a set of stuffed canvases with the letters R E A D on them I used similar pages in tone and color from wall paper books and stuffed the canvas and painted the letters on them. We used to have them in our living room. Then I put them up in the library above one of our book shelves, but one fell behind the 6' tall shelf and there was no way I was going to try to retrieve it. I will see them again when we move. Anyway there is some posibility for profit there.

Yesterday I took my paperwork to my doctor's office that was given to me by CSL Plasma for my doctor to fill out. When they get that done hopefully I'll be eligible for donation twice a week. Crossing my fingers. They should be able to deduce from my lipids, triglycerides, AIC and cholesterol that I am healthy enough.

I guess that is all for today. Take care, Have a great day!

Spirituality, a call from a friend, never stop learning

Sitting here in the quiet, Enya playing in the background, I am still at peace. This time it is from taking a breath.

I discussed with Bob my spirituality and beliefs. I have been investigating the church the way I should have before I was baptized. And I have found fault. Tonight when I brought it up again he told me that he would rather have me divorce him than have me doing what I am doing.

I can't do that to him. I will worship God Almighty with every ounce of my soul, mind, might and strength. I have some unresolved issues concerning the church, but it is my lifestyle, my friends, support group, and is a place I like being.

So much for my new life.

Yet this is still "new" I have spoken my piece to those who needed to know and I stepped back and took a breath. The rescusitation worked. There have been times that I have not liked what Bob has done. And he has stopped becuse it made me uncomfortable. I know the church has its faults, but which church doesn't? I believe Christ to be my personal Savior and intercessor with my Heavenly Father. There are many things I don't like about church, but I feel better now.

I got a call from a friend of mine from Iowa today and she was concerned about me and my spirituality. She had a lot of wisdom and I did listen. Funny, that is not like me. I feel better, have a long way to go in my spiritual progression. I can try all I want, everyday, every moment to be perfect and one hour into it I will be in need of repentance, so I know that Christ's atonement for my sins must have been unbearable, for he took on ALL of our sins. We show respect for him by doing the things we saw him do. Faith without good works is dead, but only through the name of Jesus Christ are we saved. Where I go from here, I am not worried about, what the mansion looks like or who will be my neighbors. I just want to be what God wants me to be. That has never changed.

My heart is lighter now. My husband is incredibly faithful to his beliefs and that inspired me. I still have more reading and research to do, I must never stop learning.

A spiritual awakening, Peace, Sorrow. Love.

It's about 32 degrees, the sky is gray, I'm drinking theraflu, and how are you? So okay it doesn't rhyme. I'm feeling pitiful today. My eyes are watering, nose on overdrive, coughing and scratchy throat. UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! I hate this!

Yesterday we went to Springfield to see a church leader for me to talk to. I have followed the advice in D&C 107 saying we should seek knowledge from all sources. So I have. I wish I had done so before being baptised. But being a member of the church we are discouraged from reading anything that is contrary to its teachings. I had a frightening (to be mild) experience thirty years ago that has caused quite a bit of depression. I wanted to talk to someone about it who could give me answers. It appears that of those who have stayed with the church after such an ordeal, don't have the same feelings that I do. It is very lonely. Perhaps I am simply 'triggered' by what I had to say and do that took me back to when I was five. I don't know, But I know that since that time I have avoided all lessons, talks, testimony and such about the subject.

I was ready to have my name removed from the records of the church yesterday. I did not get answers to my questions except to say that "It is THAT important" and that he had a testimony of some things. I'm not saying what church or incident in order to protect the church. This person said that if I told anyone about the incident that most would not even know what I was talking about because things have been changed since that time. Which is a whole other story altogether.

If the Smithsonian Institution's archaeologists, the Archaeology department of BYU, Boston University; Archaeology Digest, have found no evidence to prove a huge battle was fought, that there were no pigs, horses, elephants, domestic cattle here before 1492, and DNA has proved that the American Indian is Mongoloid in heredity a direct link from Asian decent, and documented facts throughout church history have been hidden, I am glad that I followed the advice to seek knowledge. Would Americans write their history in the language of their enemies? Yet an ancient family record was written in revised Egyptian instead of Hebrew. No metals available in any way to smelt steel.

I have anxiety over this, fear of retribution, excommunication, loss of friends, But I hope that my friends know that I will always love them in spite of my findings. They are MY findings, it was MY quest to learn more. In one way I feel peace. Peace that there is nothing "wrong" with me, because there are so many things that are misrepresented in the church, that I know I don't need to look much further. Even evidence from church history contradicts itself. But I am not supposed to know about this.

So I sit here bracing myself, for any comments from my friends, sadness at my unbelief, sadness for my loss of testimony, sadness at my searching other sources, anger for writing this blog, disfellowshipment, shunning. I am just one little person in a sea of billions. What do I matter? I have a great relationship with Jesus Christ as I always have had. I know I am loved and I know that I do my best to search out truth. I was disappointed. I am putting my spiritual wellbeing ahead of my doubts that I have had for 30 years.

I'm sorry if this offends any of you. I have felt like a hypocrite for that many years. My husband has me reading a book to see if this church can be proved experimentally. It was written in the 70's before DNA was available as proof of evidence to convict criminals. But even when I bring this before my husband I am laughed at and ridiculed. How do I live with this knowledge? Where do I go to church? Do I go to church? I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and of the holy ghost. I believe the leaders of the church are men of God. It has been a relatively good 30 years, with all of the callings I have had and taking girls to camp for over 20 years. Where does this leave me? An apostate I guess. Not proud of it, just more informed than I was 30 years ago when all of the members of my family were concerned about my decision. Now i understand why.

Do you know why Christians where crosses with the Savior not there? Not a crucifix? Just a blank cross? It is because it represents the risen Lord. I am not a different person. I am just at peace with what I already knew just now it is known by everyone.

I look forward to any comments, I sadly expect to lose friends, or be pittied, or shown the way back. It has been the most profound peace in 30 years, please let me enjoy it.

Thanks guys, it hasn't changed my love for you.

Visiting, Antiquing, an art lesson, Spirituallity and too many Carbs

My brother and his girlfriend just left after spending a couple days here with us. It was SO good to see them. John has been in Greece for the past four years and have only seen him once in that time, and that was when our mom was dying in a hospital in Colorado. It was wonderful just to hug him and talk, and have the things in common that siblings have. And I hadn't seen his girlfriend since '81! It was fun to catch up, go to the quaint Amish town of Arthur just 9 miles away. We found the best antique store and was able to buy an cast iron birdbath, that used to be white, now rusted for $26! And a picnic hamper with cups, plates and utensils for our daughter for.. I'm not going to say in case she reads this, but the owner of the booth gave me a great deal. I know she has wanted one for a long time. If she doesn't like it..I'm keeping it! :) Then my brother took us to a pharmacy with an old fashioned soda fountain and we got some ice cream. Took pictures of Amish buggies and horses and later that night had an art lesson!

What a great time! I also bought a limoges Haviland china tea cup and saucer for $8 which to me is a steal. Probably shouldn't have spent ANY, but oh my gosh, it was so fun. Then my brother bought us a bird-house-shaped shelf for the wall and we had the perfect place to put it, and got my husband an antique Boy Scouts of America first aid kit tin that used to be used by strapping onto your belt. We had food, fun and family! And took photos on a walk around the property.

The last thing I bought was a pair of earrings for $2, which anywhere else would have been $12 or so. Then I told myself to STOP! I saw some small bird sculptures for $3 and $4, and almost got them, but changed my mind. I mean you've got to stop somewhere. I've decided to try sculpting birds. The great thing for ME is... Arthur is only nine miles away. The antique store also has at least 200 substantial and ornate oil lamps and is the supplier of wicks for them as well. So happy to know where to get extra supplies for emergency preparedness.

Ended up eating FAR too many carbs. But I've got some time to burn that off. Not quite weight watchers week. But I'm hopping right back on the wagon of weight loss and Zumba. The other day I did a pilates class, lifted weights and did an hour of Zumba, and I didn't stretch very well I guess because, MAN did my quads hurt for a couple of days!

I've got plenty of fruit salad left over from last night to help me stay full while getting back on track. Used some of our food storage fruit and fresh bananas. I might chop up some apples and add it to the mix.

While they were here I taught John and Donilee an art lesson, in landscape with acrylics. I had so much fun and their paintings were great. My brother has the creative "Canaga" gene so he was a natural, and he pays such close attention to detail that I can't wait to see what he starts coming up with. Donilee was more, "I just want to have fun" and we did. The cat sneaked through the passthough over the counter and put her paw into my splotch of red paint and proceeded to get it on my arms. I picked her up right before she got her back feet in the yellow and blue! Took quite a bit of time, paper towels and water to get that paint out of her paw and fur. Otherwise, that just might have been a disaster to the carpet. I would NOT have been happy about it!

My husband had to work late both Wednesday and Thursday nights, but even though he had to go to bed at a somewhat decent time, and went into work late yesterday morning, John and Donilee and I stayed up til one just talking about everything. Between the four of us we pretty much solved the world's problems.

I've been having a somewhat of a spiritual battle, but I'm at peace now. I know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and the only way back to Him is through the name and ways of Jesus Christ and the promptings of the Spirit. We are never going to be perfect in this lifetime, but we have Christ's example to look to. We can never base our faith on another individual because that trust is misplaced and can most easily be one's downfall. None of us are perfect except Christ, Jesus.

At church the young women's orgzanization has its "values"; faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity and virtue. These things are worthy of pursuing, especially knowledge. It is important to learn all that we can about as much as we can and be the judge of what to keep and what to cast away. I'm happy I have made some choices that are most definitely going to make my life tougher, but ultimately happier. I'm not looking forward to the process, but I believe in learning all that I can, and without that we are stagnant, and in effect damned, unable to progress. There is so much to know out there. I'm looking forward to my new adventure.

Back on the subject, after a brief detour, my brother said to me while he was here that he had read in my blog that I spent over a hundred dollars on my hair. He said, "If you were a college student, you'd be cutting your own hair (he says this as he uses his fingers as scissors acting like he's taking chunks out at random places over his hair.)" But.. since I don't know how to cut my own hair, my next haircut will be at the cosmetology school and my hair color will come out of a box. Lesson learned. I do cut my husband's hair and have for nearly 30 years. I learned how to cut his hair at a Relief Society meeting at church in Utah. That was one good lesson, because I don't know how many hundreds of dollars we have saved just doing that.

I believe in taking on a new project, a new skill, learn it well enough to have a bit of confidence in it, store that knowledge, and go on to something else. Try out your desire to paint, bake, sew, repair a car, canoe...whatever! You will, with patience, be most of the time, pleased and surprised at just how easy it can be. If you don't know how to do something.. Google it! That is how our mechanic son-in-law comes up with his processes of doing things or trying things. He hasn't gone from a paperclip to a house yet, but he has bargained his way from a small clunker to a large Jeep Cherokee the works fine, just needs a new radio and some interior work!

My brother and his girlfriend convinced me. We went to an art gallery in Arthur which takes in consignment work from around 17 different artists, they suggested I take some paintings in, so when we got home I found one to sell and two more in the detatched garage that I have never finished which I am now going to. I will take them there and use the money to buy a few more canvases and put most of the money into paying off bills. I really think I can do that and maybe mat a few photos as well. Another day another dollar.

Have a great day! I plan to!

Money left over after groceries, paying a visa and creative saltine cookies

This was the best month so far on managing our grocery budget. Today is the last day of the month and I still have $5 left for groceries! Of course this is a short month. I will be buying some special things this week since my Brother is coming to visit. So excited about that. Have to make homemade cinnamon rolls! Maybe some blackberry pie.

I haven't gotten the sheets from my doctor yet about his okay for me to donate plasma yet. Hopefully in next few days.

I bought a new magazine called: All You about enjoying life for less with articles on spending less on everything and it contained $81 in coupons for things I actually will use them on. So it basically pays for itself. It costs $2.49. Lots of helpful hints in taking care of your home and doing many other things for less.

Yesterday was my husband's birthday although we celebrated it a week ago. I had made cake with a pudding filling and made a ton of frosting, because I usually run out. Well this time since I used the pudding filling my icing wouldn't stick to the sides of the cake. I battled it for quite a time til I just threw in the towel. But then I had all of this excess frosting on my hands! Didn't have any graham crackers for cookies, but I had saltines. So I made frosting sandwich cookies with the saltines. Heidi loves those, but I went a step further and used candy quick to coat them with chocolate. I sent one batch home with Heidi and Travis and sent another batch to work with Bob. Used up the frosting (and the chocolate coating) and everyone said they loved them.

We are paying off another bill this month, another visa. We are making great strides in paying off our debt snowball. It is gathering momentum!

Here's to carving the fat off our budget and my waistline! Have a good day!

$$ for plasma, needs vs. wants, and a rant & rave section

What is something your body makes naturally that is lifesaving and for which you can receive a paycheck? Plasma! Here in Decatur at CSL Plasma the first five donations earn $50 each. After that it is based on weight. A donor can give plasma twice a week but no more than that in a 7 day period. So I went and signed up. But because I am on so many medications I have to get a list of my meds and what they are for from my doctor and his approval for me to donate. It is a 45-90 minute process. The money is then logged on to a visa card to be used anywhere. It can be changed to a debit card as well.

I know that this sounds like a desperate attempt to earn money, but I qualified and as long as I stay healthy I can donate. Once I get that doctor's approval.

I have also been going through Macon Resources Inc., a company that specializes in getting those on disability back to work. I'm a little nervous, but I brought them my portfolio and they are excited and looking for something for me to do. I am doing well at this writing. I have stopped counting the days, I just am on a good roll and going to go with it. I have three references, all people I have worked with in the past. I guess I just want a normal life again...in SO many areas!!

Our envelope system is working. We have $25 left for the week for groceries and that will just about do it! It is SO nice not having the temptation of the checkbook. We are actively working on deciding what does and does not constitute an emergency. We need a new toilet seat, not an emergency, we need to have a septic pipe checked for a clog due to the smell...pretty much an emergency. Plumbing problems always seem to have "emergency" written all over them, yet it is in addressing them that proves if they are or not. One member of the family believes it IS, where the other doesn't think it is such a big deal. Clash of the titans. Either way it has to be addressed. I have stocked up on air freshener, waiting for my other half to find a guy with a ladder (I believe we should OWN a ladder) I don't think that constitues an emergency either, I just thinks it counts as a necessity. We need a ladder to access the vent to the septic that goes up through our roof to see if anything has fallen into it to clog the vent. Otherwise I think we may need to have our septic pumped. Yay.

On another note, I am very concerned about the state of our country. President Obama's healthcare bill has been ruled unconstitutional yet he ignores that. Right now in Wisconsin the Republican governor Scott Walker is calling for public employees such as the teacher's union and others to give back 5% of their benefits which the private sector do not receive, and stop collective bargaining to help balance the budget. Teamsters in Wisconsin, Indiana, Pennsylvania and other states are protesting the bills that Obama had said, "we need to tighten our belts, live within our means" which he means everyone who are tax payers, not government workers, not congressmen, lawyers, politicians. The tax payers can only be squeezed so much. And Obama ordered democrats TO the protests. Teachers have walked off their jobs which is illegal to protest for their collective bargaining rights. What about the rights of WE THE PEOPLE who pay their salaries? I don't want to hear one more whine from one more teacher about their pay or their job. They only work nine months out of the year and no one forced them into this line of work. Now if Miners had a beef with working conditions, I might have more sympathy, but I've had it up to here with whiny teachers. We ended up home schooling due to teacher ineptitude and oversight.

Here's another thing. The liberal media has gone too far. Farther left, no fair and balanced coverage. It used to be, Evening news, "here are the facts: X number of murders, this is what is happening in the middle east, There is a drought in Florida, more news at 11." And human beings came to their own conclusions, now we are spoon fed the news.

Planned Parenthood is on the chopping block for defunding. Joy Behar, a talk show host brought on her show pro-choice planned parenthood workers and supporters, brought no other viewpoint onto the show and bashed Republicans calling them immoral, blah, blah, and stupid. being called immoral for wanting to not use my tax dollars to pay for abortions? Does she know what morality IS? I'd like to see her dictionary. In fact I'd like to see Obama's and the Harry Reid's, Nancy Pelosi's version of the Constitution and DOI...and their dictionary and thesaurus. I'm fed up with ACTUAL liberal manipulation of facts, figures, media and their party. I think most tax payers are tired of it all. That is what November 2 was about. Wait until the Presidential election of 2012. But if Obama continues his lackidasical approach to terror, Egypt, Libia, Yemen and other places in the middle east and his focus on his party's involvement in Wisconsin and Ohio, maybe he IS above it all and our country is over.

Okay, off my soap box.

Just got done talking to my husband. He agrees we need a ladder. We'll see how soon we get one.

Happy Valentine's day you're being audited

We are being Audited. Happy Valentine's Day. Actually Bob found out about it a couple months ago but he didn't want to upset me, so he has been dealing with it.
I HAAVE had a huge amount of personal stuff on my mind.

We got our monthly statement for a Visa credit card with a balance of $2,456.93. And we are going to pay it off tomorrow!!!! The minimum payment is $55. So we will take that and add it to the other bills we have paid and head on to the next debt. This is exciting for me! I may regret it due to the fact that we are being audited..but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I love not using the check book. I like the money envelope system. It really makes it "real" when you see the amount in your hands dwindle. I guess Obama has lived on a credit card system his entire life and can't see what real money looks like and has no concept of trying to live within a budget. I would be easier on him but he is dealing with America's money, not his own.

This WAS a nice valentine's day! Bob brought me tulips, a sheep, a note pad and a beautiful card. I gave him a card from me and one from Missy. She was very proud of it! A neighbor lady came over while I was in my jammies (I seem to live in them) and while I was doing Zumba. I was sweating in my pjs while she handed me a plate of homemade frosted sugar cookies! I finally had two. So that pretty much shot the Zumba calorie burning.

I stayed home and exercised so I could save some money on gas. Tomorrow I go to see my Dr. in Bloomington. Lots of things to discuss. I had a phone conversation with my doctor in Iowa City, Iowa on the 7th. Was so happy to talk with her. I am making some major changes in my life and she is my cheerleader. I'm stepping away from some things that are so ingrained in my life I don't know what my life is going to be like with my husband or my friends. I mentioned something to my husband on a walk the other day and he acted like he never heard a word I said. The things he has said to me are cutting and will have to stop. He may not agree with my choices, but if he wants to keep living with me, some things will have to change. For better or worse, in sickness or in health. If he wants to attribute my "behavior" to sickness, I won't care. It is not due to sickness, it is due to a core belief. I know it is going to hurt some people. But I have to be honest with myself.

I am doing pretty well mentally. It has been a full year since my last hospitalization. I had lost 20 pounds in a month while I was trying a new treatment and trying to remodel the kitchen and upstairs bathroom on my own with some help from some friends from church. I think my mental state has been really good, and I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow to see what he has to say. I talked with my doctor in Iowa City, Iowa on the 7th and she is my cheerleader in what changes I am making in my life. After talking with her she said she was going to go to the Deluxe pastry shop in Iowa City and have a piece of cake in my honor. It is a tremendous load off, but how do I say what I want to say to people? It is really none of their business, but it is an integral part of my life. I've talked with my bishop and I need to talk to him further. He is concerned but not worried.

Anyway. It is good working toward our financial goals. There is yet many things my husband and I find in common. I think of him as someone so much more grown up than I am. I feel I have lost 30 years of my life wherein I could have been pursuing other things in my life than what has been my entire existence.

This is too deep. if anyone reads this who has any idea what I am talking about, don't worry about me please. Things will work out.

Take care and happy valentine's day.

Contolling money, emotions, and surroundings

The groceries are put away, the valentine decorations are set out. I found a couple other things to set out in the living room, but I try to keep that room pretty spare. I'd like the whole house to feel that way. In a while I am going to go in and do dishes and make sure the counter is free of stuff. It is so restful to the eye which cuts down on feelings of anxiety and mania for me.

Speaking of mania and anxiety, I have been experiencing some over the past couple of days. Trying to maintain my good run of mental wellness. I have a big life decision I have been contemplating and I'm sure that has something to do with it.

I wish like Ziggy said, "Never get personally involved in your own life" I wish I wasn't so tied to my emotions. I don't know what it is like not to be. My husband can be extremely detatched. I feel things very deeply. When I say something is "gut wrenching" you can be sure my stomach is in that exact feeling physically.

When I worry about things I worry too much. I need to step back and take in a deep breath. Today I am worried about something and I have decided that that is exactly what I need to do. Detatch myself and take a step back. There are many reasons that what I am worried about isn't happening. Many scenarios. I will think good thoughts and reason the the thing I'm worried about isn't due to anger or malice.

Sometimes I think worry happens because we are not sure exactly where we stand, or what is going to happen next. Sometimes deciding on an action will be the thing to do. I guess I'm talking to myself right now. I know I don't have very many followers, if any today. Do what I can. And today I need to get some cleaning done in the kitchen and guest room. My desk runneth over in the computer part and I don't have a waste basket in here. I guess I'm going to remedy that today as well. I have two birthday presents to wrap for my husband's 55th birthday coming up this month.

But to be on the safe side I am goning to contact my doctor and tell him of my anxiety. I may take a quarter mg of clonazapam in the meantime. He has told me that I am able to do that when I have extra anxiety. I've done it for the past three days. Time to call the doctor. I thought getting one of my feelings out, closing the door on some "old stuff" was going to be the answer, turns out it is still very much an issue.

Anyway...
Oh, I got to practice a little bit of psychology yesterday. I went into a place that I go to often and the owner was there alone and we started talking. The very first thing she told me is, "I'm depressed." We talked for about an hour and a half. That was okay, I had errands to run but no other appointments. I told her some things that I do when I have depression to get out of it, or cope with it to some extent and one of the things I do is a "did" list, not a "to do" list. a to do list seems overwhelming and when you are depressed sometimes you cannot concentrate on one thing longer than five minutes, and the sight of a long list is not helpful, basically we know what needs to be done. So I told her about my "did" list, and that I write EVERYTHING that I do during the day. For instance today, I could write: Got up; made the bed; did a load of clothes; called a friend; checked facebook (not that that is on a to do list, but it was something that I did); got the mail; straightened the livingroom; made breakfast; read; wrote my purchases on our calendar of expenses... etc. Even opening the shades is on my list, because I have five things that are constatly things that I need to do EVERY day. If I don't do them then I know that my depression is getting severe. 1)get up. 2) make the bed 3) open the curtains 4) do a load of laundry 5) wash the dishes. If I can't do those five things I know I'm doing pretty bad. If I can ONLY do those things I am going down hill. If I do them all at once I am manic. Kind of like the weather predicting rock...set it outside, if it is wet it is raining, if it is white it is snowing... it's just a little indicating device.

Then I went to the next place where I was picking up something for my husband's birthday. I can say it here because he never reads this: I went to a bird watching supply store and got him a new feeder that attracts mockingbirds, cardinals, wrens, finches etc. and a bag of the best food to go in it. I had never been in this store, but the woman was very personable. We talked about the birds, her cat, her health and then she mentioned her husband had PTSD. I told her that I have that and she wanted to know what it was like, did I have triggers, are there things I can and can't do? How should she deal with her husband. And I tried to help her by telling her how my husband is with me. We talked for an hour and a half, I finally purchased the bird feeder and feed, and a little bird "sculpture" $3, to set on a shelf in our living room, and she told me thank you for coming in and she was so glad we talked.

I always wanted to be a psychologist. Glad I could help. Finally I got to the Y, logged 5 miles on the cross train eliptical, went the the grocery store, dollar tree, library and finally got home around 8 p.m. just early enough to get the food away and sit down before my husband came in the door at 9.

So this was more about mental health than anything, but I have noticed that taking control of our money is directly impacting the way I take care of my home, and my wellbeing.

Biggest Bang for the Buck!

Today I went shopping for groceries and spent $76. One dollar over budget, but with that money I was able to purchase at Aldis:
Two frozen pizzas
Taco shells
two cans evaporated milk
two jars of apple sauce
10 pounds of long grain rice
a gallon of 2% milk
two cans of cherry pie filling
two cans of sliced carrots
two cans Baked Beans
Cranbery/Orange muffin mix
Cranbery Juice
All Purpose Flour
32 oz Plain no fat yogurt
Rice snacks
Ground Sirloin
two boxes of stuffing mix
Grape Jelly
Cornbread Crackers
Steel cut oats
Pita chips
Liquid Egg Whites
Tastes like butter, margarine
Salsa
Marinara sauce
two boxes instant mashed potatos
Minced Garlic
Yellow Cake Mix
Fudge Brownie Mix
two toothbrushes
Great Northern Beans
Colgate toothpaste
Mini Marshmallows
Parmesan Cheese
24 pk spring water.

Then I went to Dollar Tree and spent $14 miscellaneous on:
A diet Pepsi
two rolls of gift wrap (Bob's birthday is around the corner)
stuffed animal (whale) Heidi collects them
two valentine decorations
Zipper Freezer bags
two airwick aerosol air fresheners'
Dental floss sticks
Dish washing liquid
and 10 "gilette style" razors.

Needed to go to Walmart to buy my lactose free milk and bananas
Also 7 boxes of jello gelatin
an avocado and it came to $11.42

I know where I will be shopping from now on.

Financial to Personal, The past and what is to come

So I have decided to compromise on the Satellite issue. We down graded our service to the fewest channels because my husband enjoys watching TV and for $21 a month we are still saving over $40 by down grading. We are moving the tv out of the living room however. I don't believe in Fenshui (or however you spell it) but I don't like having the energy taken up by that tv and what it represents. Usually the news and that is depressing. So we are going to move it and its cabinet into the bedroom. We can watch movies from there or whatever, but I spend so little time in there and it won't be staring me in the face every day. In place of the armoir in the living room we are putting the chair that actually MATCHES the rest of our furniture, a huge stuffed chair and ottoman. That will give us light from one more window and a great place to read! One more way of taking charge of our lives. We're in charge of our money, now to be in charge of the rest of our home.

Our home is very comfortable I think. It isn't too big, it serves its purpose and it has a sun room that is a perfect observatory for watching wildlife. I go out there even in the winter (with a jacket) and take pictures of the birds or watch the deer and foxes and squirrels. We spend money on birdseed and cracked corn (for the deer) but it is a worthy thing and it is beautiful to watch all of the different kinds of birds we get. I want to make some bird houses. Maybe I will do some of that in the spring.

I love that we have a plate glass window in front. I was hoping we would find a place with a window like that, like my grandma Canaga's window in Oregon, but nothing as huge as that. Our cat Missy likes it. She sits there everyday when she isn't helping me throughout the rest of the house. We make a good team, Missy and I. She helps me type, wash dishes, do the laundry, read... but not so much on the reading she lays in whatever I am looking at because it isn't HER! So she remedies that.

I found the envelopes! I hadn't "put" them anywhere, I didn't have a chance, Bob saw the envelopes and thought they were empty and put them back with the rest of the other ones. Whew, that was close, I was going out of my mind about it. So now we both know where the envelopes are and today I will go shopping for the first time. I'm going to Aldis to see how many of our regular foods I can buy at a discount and stock up in things that maybe we don't have. What a blessing to have the money to buy food. Thank God for that.

When our power went out we spent two days with emergency water, a propane indoor heater and kerosene lanterns. We enjoyed that so much that we are going to try to have a night each week when all the lights are off and we spend the evening with just the lamps and the fireplace going. I was able to get some illustrations done during the day that I had put off for ... years. Man! thank goodness the power went out!

Missy is here in the guest/sewing/computer room with me and just asked me to open the curtain so she could look out the window. I mean there she was sitting on the chair staring at the closed curtain! Hint hint.

Today I will be working on my resume to take to Macon Resources tomorrow to see about trying to get a job. With being on disability they can help me get a foot in the door. I can work for 9 months without losing benefits to see if I can keep a job. During that time, if I CAN keep a job, that money will go toward our debt. As I have said, I have had a good run, nearly a year of not having to go into the hospital, but this is extraordinary. It is tough to keep a job when you are incapacitated and hospitalized 4-5 times a year.

I have three references for my resume of people I have worked with. I had to go back a few years to find the people who knew me when I was at my very best, and they each were happy to provide a reference, one even told me he would mention the two ties I custom painted for him. :) But I don't think I'll include that in my skills.

I've been asked to list EVERYTHING I can that I think are my strong points and skills. Since I have lived long enough to see type go from ditto machines to the first copiers, paste up to page maker, negatives to computer graphics and rolling and processing film, to photoshop I think I have had quite a history of the printed page. And here I am typing on virtual paper. At least I'm not killing any trees. But I will NOT even go there right now.

In my spare time I have been a telemarketer, teacher's aid in music, weigher for Weight Watchers while at the same time Dairy Queen drive through person..that was always fun to see the weight watchers I had weighed in the night before come through the drive through for a sundae the next day!, A reporter, candle sticker designer, production artist, photographer, nurses aid, layout artist, button and bumpersticker designer (and worked on superbowl and world series projects) typographer typing 70 wpm., muralist, portrait artist, political cartoonist, columnist and art director. Those were just the paying jobs. I've also been a set designer, (one paying job there), stage manager, lighting tech, actress, props person, special effects, speaker, teacher, taught seminars, Sunday school teacher, chorister, singer with my guitar, (had a paying job there too) and "celebrity judge" for a talent contest! This one was when I was a columnist! Tried out for the Gong show, recorded in Hollywood many times, Sang on tv in Nashville...but now I'm just getting into personal experiences and not exactly vocations. I got to sing the National Anthem at Lee County Speedway in Iowa! Christina A. should have studied a little better before the super bowl.

Anyway, I don't know what I will put on my resume but it is kind of uplifting to look back and see the things that I HAVE done, as opposed to the things I haven't been able to do over the past 10 years. During the past ten years I wrote a novel which I have never finished correcting, rearranging and publishing!! my bad. Went to school and got my associates degree in art, graduated with honors. I was the council trainer for the Mississippi Council in Firebuilding, attended Woodbadge and have taken girls to girls camp for over 20 years. My favorite thing of all has been being a wife and mom. I am so blessed to have the husband that I do, the daughter that I love so much she will never begin to grasp how much...not that she doesn't KNOW that I love her.. It is a mom thing. When she gets to be a mom...she will totally understand! So I guess never say never. I have wonderful friends who love me for me and care for my welfare and spiritual wellbeing. I have friends that are so much more than family, and family who are friends. And family that has been broken apart but hopefully can come back together at some point. i had a great mom and dad who "did the best they could with what they knew at the time" as my dad always said. When I look back at being a parent, I KNOW that there are some issues that my daughter is going to have to face that I laid on her when I was in severe depression, her "not knowing if she was going to have a mom when she got home" her words. I can never make up for that. But that is what severe depression is. It affects everyone around you. I wish I could take back those years and hand them back to her clean and pure and full of love and laughter.

That is all in the past and I can't undo it, for good or bad. it is what it is. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for the terrible times i put my family through. as my husband reminds me, It is the illness. But when you have the "illness" you don't think clearly and say things that are horrible. I don't know how my family survived intact through my deep depressions, and I don't know that they are over. But I thank God for the fact that they stayed with me. I honestly don't know If I would still be here today had my family fallen apart. Now my daughter is married to a wonderful guy who loves her and takes care of her. He is fun, intelligent and makes her life happy. I love to see her happy. It is indescribable. What she will have to further face in her life, atop all other things she has faced, I don't know. But I will do my best to be the best mom she could have, cause she gave me the chance and didn't bail on me like a lot of children would have. It put a dent in our lives, no doubt, but I could not be prouder of the woman who is my daughter.

So...that was random...not really too much about finances, but another thing about my daughter and son-in-law... they are doing the same total money makeover as we are and they are succeeding on basically one income. I am so proud of them. It is a wonderful thing to be best friends with your family.

And that, my friends, is priceless!

Key to the envelope system

Key to the envelope system is remembering where you put the envelopes once they have money in them.

Zumba for days not going to the Y...real exciting.

I ordered Zumba! Not exactly in the budget, but it is a three month pay out of $20 so I can exercise at home. We talked about getting an XBox 360 and a Wii fit, but that sounded like too much to spend. We've lived without them for this long we can do so still. Besides, yesterday I spent an hour walking on the trail behind our house next to the river. I hope to be outside a lot more this spring and summer, but for now, I'm going to the Y, going to do this "Zumba", join netflix and get workout videos from them, if they are available... hope so.

Nothing much new here. I'm going to go to the Y today and maybe stay for three hours. I love working out when I can see results, and the weather has been such that I haven't been able to get there. I also have an appointment with a job placement service through Voc Rehab to help me with my resume and get a job in graphics. I hope I can do that and stay healthy.

Speaking of health, I got some lab results in the mail that said my blood sugar is 96, all calcium, sodium, potassium, kidney, liver functions and protein levels are normal. Cholesterol 122: Triglycerides 111: HDL Chol 52: LDL Chol 58. Then it said, "Desirable cholesterol for the average person is under 200. Target triglycerides is under 200. HDL is the good cholesterol and should be higher than 40. LDL is the bad cholesterol and should be under 130." So all is good everything else says health is normal!!! continue same meds and diet. That makes me so happy to see that something I'm doing is working. YaY!

Today I am going to go to Aldis and Dollar Tree and see what I can stock up on, or if there is anything that we need.

I'm talking with Xlibris publishing company about publishing, The Visitors of Pompadour. It is a self-publishing company and would cost about $500 for print on demand, but it would be on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble's web site and Xlibris' web site also. The book can be sent on to other publishers, I would maintain the rights to have it published through a different publisher is I could get one. I guess I just want to have it done and available and accomplished. Maybe that is a little self centered. But I have been encouraged by many and want to do this. It would be three monthly payments of $176.66. maybe after more of our debt is paid off, because this doesn't constitute an "emergency" of course neither does Zumba!

My glasses look good I've decided. When walking yesterday I took a picture of me in my glasses and it turned out pretty good, so I made it my profile pic. Maybe I'll put one on this site. Probably not.

Can't think of anything else to say here. Watching my eating, our money and now trying to get the house to a point of "oasis" from the world by getting rid of our satellite. They've reduced stations so we only pay $21 a month, but that is not the goal. I want NO TV. I don't think it is healthy for this household. At least I don't think it is healthy for ME. And if we could save even more that would be great!

We've still been utilizing the library quite a bit getting books on CD for me for in the car or at home to listen to when I'm working. I've been checking out children's books and their publishers.

The envelope system

The business of budgeting: This week we paid off three bills altogether. So there cuts out those three debts. Now to take those three monthly payments and put them toward a credit card bill.

Grocery envelopes: Starting the envelope system for the month of February. A month is a really long time when you are seriously watching every cent. The money does run out before the month.

Miscellaneous envelopes: This will be a little easier to control, because we don't HAVE to go see a movie, or at that movie buy drinks or popcorn. We almost never do, just because they scalp you at the register.

Emergency fund: Well, my power steering has gone out and needs a new pump I think, I need a new windshield since there is a crack all along the front horizontally, and I need a new windshield wiper. Hopefull our Son-in-law can fix the power steering, I'm going to make an appointment to get the windshield fixed and I'll go to Auto Zone and have them put on a windshield wiper. The windshield wiper fluid just piddles out and doesn't hit the windshield, maybe that will change when the temperature warms up a little. Empty water bottles littered the front seat of the car til last week. I'm going to do my own detailing and get my PT Cruiser back to as good of shape as I can. It still bears scars from the run-in with the semi.

General: I've noticed that it is much easier to write out a check than it is to spend dollar bills. That is why I think the envelope system will work, we'll have to really THINK about our purchases, because when it is gone, it's gone.

Still haven't shut off the Dish satellite, but will do so this week.

My new glasses are in. I hope I don't look stupid in them. They are red. "Normally" I am a pretty happy person, but when I am depressed I'm afraid they will look out of place on my face. I'm excited. The frames were only $89. Well within the insurance limit. I pick them up tomorrow.

We are going to join netflix again and I am going to rent some workout videos to have here when I can't go to the Y or as supplements to that. That way I can cut down on my gas mileage. Pinching pennies may not be the most exciting thing to blog about but getting out of debt is a huge deal. I have met many people doing the same things that we are. I like to listen to Dave Ramsey and hear people yell out, 3, 2, 1, "We're debt FREEEE!" I want to be one of them.

I am sending off my book to Boyds Mills Press for them to consider for publication. I sincerely hope they accept it. I have heard from a "vanity press" that will produce my book for $1,000 and advertise it on Amazon.com and other places. For my money I will get that, And a whopping one hardcover version of my book and five soft cover books. Whew..what a deal! I'm thinking I'm going to go the traditional route for a while. I know that rejections are on my way, unless Boyds Mills press, the first I send it to accepts it but the odds are highly against that, especially since they receive literally thousands of books from unsolicited authors and illustrators.

In the mean time, I will be watching my debt go down. Do you think a spoonful of sugar will help?

Paid off bills, losing weight, my book and volunteering

Tonight I went to Weight Watchers and lost half a pound. That's good since I ate half a leg of a gigantic gingerbread man! Man, that was good! That comes to 7 1/2 pounds now. Next week I'll need to purchase another monthly pass. It's all working out well. I'm thinking of going to the town of Arthur for meetings, it is a little closer and Arthur is an Amish town, very small town, I think I would like that better. Eating tons of fruits, vegetables, oatmeal, egg white omelets and yogurt. Lots of casseroles for both the weight watchers and the budget.

Today we paid off Sears and Lowes. We took some money out of our savings to do it. And also today Bob closed a mutual fund and we will get that money back to pay off our debts. If all goes according to plan we will be out of debt including my student loan in a little less than 24 months. Then we will start our six month emergency fund and start paying off the house.

When we paid off Sears and Lowes we were paying $360 a month on those two bills just to whittle them down. We will now roll those over and pay off the loan for dental work, it is the third smallest debt we owe.

Still haven't cancelled satellite tv since we had an entire month left on our account, but we are looking forward to not having the tv in the living room. I watch too much of the news and it is depressing. The best we can do is stay abreast of the goings on in the world through the internet and Bob will bring home the paper from work everyday so we can see that and get the coupons from the inserts.

The livingroom is getting back to "normal" the tree has been gone for a week or so, and I am just putting away the rest of the Christmas decorations. For a centerpiece for our dining room table I put one of our kerosene lamps and need to get some fuel for it. We have about five of these lamps and are going to keep them filled in case of emergency.

I'm trying to think of more ways in which we are saving money. I have been going to the library quite a bit, getting books on CD for when I'm driving or working around the house. I've "read" several books that way. We will start shopping from our "envelopes" one for food for each week, one for miscellaneous.

Speaking of books...I got copies of my book, "The Visitors of Pompadour" preview edition copied and stapled ready to send to book publishers. I am sending it first to Boyd's Mills Press..aka, Front Street Press, Calkins Creek, wordsong, and Lemniscaat publishers. They accept unsolicited manuscripts from first time authors and respond within three months. I have joined an online literary agency search and will be looking for an agent, so even though I am not bringing in tons of money, hopefully this book will be printed one day and it will be successful. I am working on Two others, one a novel and one a "documentary-type" book. But for now my focus is on Pompadour.

More on money later.

One thing Bob and I have decided to do is volunteer to teach adults how to read. One hour a week. There is a waiting list of 48 people. I may end up volunteering more often than once a week. Tomorrow I have an appointment with Voc. Rehab in helping me get a job with my disability. A general checkup and then having missionaries over for dinner. Tomorrow will be a busy day.

Have a great day!

Recapping last year, being myself, being happy

When I started blogging, it was a little over a year ago and my blog was dedicated to dealing with bi-polar disorder and going off meds and onto vitamins, minerals and amino acids. I wasn't able to continue that treatment as I got very sick for 11 weeks. A year ago in March it will be a year since I was hospitalized twice for depression, going back on my meds, and getting them adjusted. I have been doing very well since then.

Part of the reason for that is that I have gotten a few things in my life in order. I was under a ton of stress in remodeling the house, keeping it "perfect" for potential buyers coming through, finally selling it, moving and purchasing a new house. Now, we are in our new home of five months, I don't feel totally "at home" here yet, but my fears about the area have been put to rest basically and our house is clean and organized.

But there were other things in my life that I needed to put into perspective. I decided I needed to give myself a break, a little breathing room and not try for perfection in everything because it is literally impossible. There is only one thing I can be perfect at and that is in being the best me I possibly can. I know my limits, what affects me adversely in different areas and try to avoid them. A year or so ago I made a list of my beliefs that I could share with my husband and both agree that we can live with them. I did that in the hospital and it has made the biggest difference ever since. I think it has made me healthier.

Working out has made me healthier too, no doubt about it. Joining weight watchers is keeping me on track weight-wise, and the total money makeover is stretching our imaginations in ways to keep costs down and get out of debt.

A year ago, I was going to Greece, but because of my new treatment, and illness I couldn't do it. But my brother is coming to see me and my husband in March and I'm so happy about that.

I feel relaxed. I don't feel that if I don't do thus and so that I am condemned. I'm trying to use my talents and I have been taking my time getting to know people yet still not making myself sick worrying about what they think of me. I'm just me.

I have not been seeing a psychologist, I barely think about it anymore. I do talk with my old therapist each quarter, but I'm moving that to every six months.

Being more at peace with myself has been so wonderful. I haven't lessened any expectations of myself, in fact I'm trying to stretch myself in trying to get illustrating jobs to do here at home, and am looking for a graphic arts position "on the outside".

I'm healthy, happy, still on medication that will likely be adjusted again, but my mouth opens now when I think things are not right and I don't hold things in anymore. This may make some people uncomfortable. I'm not obnoxious about it, I can still be kind, I just take a moment and give my opinion if I feel strongly about something. It's all good.

Financially we have a very short term emergency fund and we are prepped to pay off two - three debts on February first. Sooner if I can get my husband to go with it and realize we are being charged interest every day and everyday we can pay off these things sooner, the better. It is the taking money out of investments that is a sticky point. There is a measure of security there but we have to pay off our debt before investing in anything again. The market isn't that great now anyway. With our economy the smart thing is to get out of debt as fast as possible and get a six month emergency fund. Ours is not six months, it is minute, but it can handle emergencies.

And that's all I have to say about that.