Good Morning! Is Depression Selfish?

What a wonderful start to a day! I went to my first Tai Chi class this morning that started at 8 a.m. at the Y. SO refreshing. Before I left home I meditated for a half hour.

I was able to do my chores before leaving. I did get up at 5:30. Just couldn't sleep. I keep dreaming of the cake Heidi, Travis and Bob got for me at a specialty bakery. I'm ready to travel the hour and a half just for that. I won't be going to Iowa City until next Thursday, but Heidi and I will definately be going to brunch!

Things I did this morning before 11:00 a.m.

Took a shower, made the bed, opened the windows, ate yogurt and a banana for breakfast. Went to the Y. Did tai chi, then went down to the weight room and worked my quadracepts, Lats,arms and chest. Then I went to the Cross-trail eliptical and did that for 35 minutes and finally I swam for about 30 minutes. I know it is possible for me to weigh 167. I just want to do it nutritionally sound and exercise with it. I probably could have stayed all day, but the house still needs attention.

What? Do I feel selfish for taking that time for myself? Should I?
To many people depression means nothing, because the average person has been "depressed" over an inconvenience. Those diagnosed with Severe clinical depression, bi-polar disorder, PTSD, and mood disorder know to the depths of dispair because they have been the lowest. Sometimes people don't believe in depression because there are breaks in between episodes. Dispite this being the 21st century, there is incredibly faulty thinking of this illness. I remember my first time in the psych unit. I couldn't find enough information outside the hospital, but once I was there there was a plethora of pamphlets and sheets and brochures. My doctor has not released me for work. I have to fill my day with things to do. I volunteer at church, scouting and the Red Cross, I'm writing a book and keep sending another to get published by someone. I take care of the house. The library is getting to know me better. And when I have episodes, I am not much good to anybody. So, although it may appear selfish, the things I do to occupy my mind are there to distract myself to survive.

Today is the day I normally see my psychologist. We are at every-other-week now. Today has been great, the weather perfect and I feel good. I still take my medications as prescribed knowing that going off of them cold turkey would be a way to become increasingly manic or suicidal. As I have said before it is such a delicate balance.

Yesterday I got some results of an MRI, due to what I consider small "seizures" in my head. I have mild chronic sinusitis (never would have guessed that), right mastoid effusion and mild diffuse cerebral atrophy. My doctor, not the neurologist interpreted it for me. The mild diffuse cerebral atrophy is something that happens as you age, but I am too young to have this condition. So I will wait for the neurologist to reassure me that the the seizures are medication related and not organic.

One more reason to get off medication. I have no idea what all of the medications I am on have done to my body. Hopefully everything will be fine. My husband and daughter have remarked about my memory loss as more significant. So I stopped using Ambien as it tends to have that effect. But I haven't been on it for long. No seizures identifiable during the period since I started taking Ambien.

There is no pattern to the spells. I can go two or three days and have them each night, and I can go weeks without symptoms only to have a terrible night fighting to stay awake so the seizures don't zap me. I'm like a neurological bug light!

Anyway it is a seriously glorious day outside. I think I will paint the window boxes.

Reading, Pictures and a Schedule

Another beautiful day. I sat out on our porch swing having biscotti and hot cocoa. Took some pictures. I have decided to take my camera everywhere I go. The point of taking pictures is to help me identify the beauty in everyday life and to appreciate each day. Then as I look back at them I will see more good days than bad.

I've been having trouble with my memory. I think it is from Ambien. I going to try going without it. I usually fall asleep reading. Even if it is an exciting tale, I can only read for so long. One memory I have that is good is reading with my husband in the evening. Being apart I think this one pasttime is one I miss most, aside from the ache I feel to be held.

Reading out loud? I know, some might consider that a snoozefest. We purposely enclosed our living room and banished the TV to a room upstairs so we could use the space for visiting people and for reading and playing games. The longest I have ever read aloud was eight hours...on the road to Colorado. My throat got sore, but it was a great book. Can't remember now what it was, but most likely a Christian-based novel.

Reading helps quell my depressive feelings. Thank you God for this day and for feeling so good. I must acknowledge my Father in Heaven in the way I am feeling today.

My mind is going in many directions right now. Not manic, just "normal-me". Last night I took a nice soak in our claw-foot tub, put on my jammies and went to bed with, I have to say, a pretty sorry excuse for a book. I would love to re-write it, just for fun and add in a few adjectives. But life is too short. I have my own book to write. I think I'll go to the library today, turn it in with my other books and hopefully find a good one. I have learned that I do best with a schedule. My everyday list so that I can see a beginning and an end to tasks, a reminder that whatever depression I might feel, it is temporary just as is everything else. And reading is a part of my list. I need several things from which to choose as a NOW activity that doesn't involve a credit card.

I'm doing better now that I'm adjusting to Bob being gone. My physical illness is gone, the house is almost finished, and I have the opportunity to go visit Bob whenever I want. I'm happy with the med change. I'm working toward several months of well-being so I can take EMPower supplements again. It is easy waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I am feeling fine as of today. In a while I will go and do my meditation, take some more boxes to the garage and clean in general. Dishes. Why did I let that get out of control? Oh well, it is something to do. As my grandmas used to say when we would come to visit, "Same old decorations."

The picture of the day is of our Hostas near the house. I just love their varigated colors. It looks like someone took a paint brust to them.

On the road to wellness...you have a good day too!

Grab the Day by the Tail and Squeeze

It always feels a little funny blogging in the morning. My Heidi gave me a framed quote from Anne of Green Gables that says, "Tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it"
Then miss Stacy corrects and says "yet"

I'm feeling good. The grass is so green it nearly hurts my eyes to look on it. The sky has cleared up to a clear blue. Now if only an ice cream truck could come down our gravel road I don't think it could be better than that.

Yesterdy the crown moulding was finished and today I think the floorboards will be finished as well along with the wainscoting. This is taking so long!
I cleaned out my computer desk yesterday, hoping to put a new desk in, the but desk would hove been too open and cords would be all over. So now I am looking for a home for the computer desk.

Had my hot cocoa and yogurt out on our back porch swing. It is just such a magnificent day. Time to take a walk around Fort Madison and pick our my "house of the week." Get some exercise. I worked out really hard yesterday and want to keep it up, I may walk and then work out. It is nice to feel well again.

My home is feeling more open and free with so many things taken out of the house. Meditation is wonderful and the chakra balancing mists make the house smell good and gives a great feeling throughout.

I have nothing of importance really to report here. I'm stable and am taking charge of this day. I intend to squeeze every good drop from this day as possible. Enjoy and thank God for this day. I'm finally convinced it is spring. We have flowers in the flower boxes. I may paint them today.

Have a good day!
Talk to you tomorrow!

Rain or Shine, Keep Goals in Sight

I have started my "picture of the day" post on facebook to help me appreciate all that God has given me. So I will be putting that picture up where my own photo is.

My Honey is gone back to his job and right now two guys are finishing the crown moulding in the kitchen. I'm going to make this quick because I am going to the "Y".

I like watching the Biggest Loser. I've lost 65 pounds over a two year time period and the courage the contestants possess in getting on the scale in front of the world is amazing to me. They must have to pass some psych evaluation before having a chance at the show. Several years ago I would have loved to be on it because I thought I was tough. I don't think I could take the intense workouts that their trainers put them through. It is inspiring though. I doubt that there is a contestant on too many drugs for mental health, they wouldn't make it past the test, and goals beyond survival at times feels impossible.

I can feel my clothes closing in on me and know that I need to take the bull by the horns and take care of it.

It was tough saying good bye to my "Reet" (wierd nickname we both go by)as he drove away. I just hope he makes it there safe. He is tired.

On a day like this, it doesn't matter what weather there is, my joy is full. I'm better than stable. Thank You God!

I'll write tomorrow. Have a great day! Going to the "Y" to keep my goals in sight!

The picture at the top is of a statue in Rand Park in Keokuk, Iowa.

My Birthday Put Together by "Professionals"

Yesterday my daughter and her husband, my husband and I enjoyed celebrating my birthday. Oh my gosh! The cake was incredible! a vanilla and raspberry cream layer cake with frosting so good I could not help myself! The weather played a part since my daughter had planned an old fashioned tea party for outside in the style of Anne of Green Gables. (very much a fan).

Between spending the day with Heidi and her friends on Wednesday and yesterday it was one of my favorite birthdays! Heidi and her husband take on birthdays as seriously as some people engage in Rennaisance Festivals. They and my husband gave me poetry from Alfred Lord Tennyson who wrote "The Lady of Shallot" - Season 5 of Gray's Anatomy, a CD of "the Lady of Shallot" set to music, a puzzle that looks a lot like the "green gables" home in the book, Walkers Shortbread cookies!, and the complete series of the story of "Little Bear" which I have always loved. Also a bottle of "Raspberry Cordial" special lable they made with a year of my birth, and a wine glass to enjoy it while taking a deep bath with another gift, Lavender bath salts. Last but not least... Ghiradelli dark chocolate! All very nice. Oh yeah, they ordered Chinese food for lunch!"

I actually blew out all 48 candles with one breath. My parents called my sister "leather-lungs" when she was a baby because she could cry at decible levels. I may have usurped her title in lung capacity.

Because of the rain the outdoor tea party was cancelled, but that was okay since I wasn't up to visitors. But I had a great time!

Right now I am doing fine. Full of cake still. that was AWESOME cake! My mood is steady, and I feel like it is a normal day. Bob is home and he likes to watch TV. He admits to being a TV adict. A few minutes ago he was watching poker played in a bull ring, now he's watching basketball after a few minutes of racing at Talladaga. Wait...now it's a western. It is tough to keep my thoughts straight when I hear bits and pieces of shows and commercials. Oh wait...now it is Deal or No Deal. Oh well.

I am very tired and probably close to a diabetic coma after all of that cake! Finally had to give my husband an ultimatum..either he eats the rest of the cake or it goes 'the way of all the earth' and ends up destroyed. I tried to make it as painless as possible as I slid it into the trash. It was winning the battle.

I overslept so I didn't make it to church this morning. Yesterday was tough getting up for the day. so I had my Chinese dinner after cake. I am so full. I haven't had heart burn in more than 2 years, it caught up with me.

Earlier this week I got a new prescription for my glasses. I guess my blood sugar was high at my original appointment, so they had to make changes. Now I can see the computer screen without being three inches away from it.

A fantastic day!You have one too!

Jump For Joy!

I spent the weekend with my husband and even though there is lagging in the back of my mind of another depressive episode, we had a great time. Feeling good is so elusive. Happiness is a gust of wind that we cannot grasp, but JOY! Joy is what our lives are to be. If you have ever read my blog you are pretty much tired of the "woe is me" attitude.

I feel that this is the time to run and jump and thank God for the life I have been given. Depression goes into remission. And it is so wonderful to be "back" among the living and laughing voyagers on this mission we call life. Spending precious time with my hubby and knowing it was to be shortlived due to our distance, I tried to spend every moment with him as was possible. It is true that absence makes the heart grow stronger...unless you have a flood in the bathroom and he's not there to help.

I remember my dad telling me that eventually kids grow up and are amazed at how much their parents knew. I was mostly compliant, it was safer in that and many other ways. I thought my dad was talking about once you become an adult and no longer have the teenage "know-it-all" attitude. And I thought that once in my 20's or 30's I would surely have it all figured out. Well. I am past that expiration date and am just now beginning to see things for the first time in so many ways, in so many people, that is what we should concentrate on. This is the first time on the planet..for most of us...:) and we didn't get either a a shred of clothing nor language or manual. We've all made mistakes. The biggest mistake is assuming that every one else out there has it figured out.

The older I get the more I understand my mom and dad, polar opposites in discipline and many other ways but they loved each other and their differences made them stronger. This year my husband and I will have been married for 30 years! That probably doesn't seem too impressive to some people. But to remain married in spite of the depression, or mania, mood swings he is still here for me. He has always been here for me.

Severe Clinical depression is a disease, as much as epilepsy or diabetes or asthma are. Those with depression, not the kind where you have a couple bad days at work and are irritable, but knowing that something is drastically wrong about the way their brain is working. Watching it unfold and morph into something or someone unrecognizable by their actions and subject matter. Social Leprosy is what it is. There have been so many advances over even just a few years I am grateful for living in this period of time, where even when I am crushed to powder I can still be helped and not cast out. Bob has never cast me out. He has had to cope with things in his own way. He has his stressors, a demanding job in this ruptured economy, bills, and a wife who struggles with the ideation of suicide.

I have learned through this illness that is a good and/or bad time for thoughts to be unleashed on the one you love. I am trying to temper my thoughts, for some of them not only bring me down but bring him down as well. I have learned that people do not understand your circumstances...there is no wound (unless self-inflicted), or cast, crutch, or sling to do the advertising for the fact that a person is suffering.

Many doctors believe and it is in the DSM-IV Diagnostic manual for mentally ill patients that one can be pigeon-holed and there is no cure. There is no "cure" for depression when it is overpowering someone. Drugs are answer...for some...for now. But to be pigeon-holed and treated as if the you are the last piece of the puzzle...being forced to fit into the lovely little world of 500 pieces. And you don't fit the mold. Is it the piece that is defective or is it the puzzle? I think there is a place for all shapes and sizes to come to the table, wealthy or destitute, beautiful or not, shy or commanding. It can hit anyone. And non of them feel they really "fit in". I can see it, I can try to conform to the space that is last for me, but in my heart I will not be "altered" to fit with the overwhelming majority of someone's view.

The puzzle maker made this boxed up puzzle defective. There is an extra piece. It doesn't belong to the same puzzle as the other 499. It might not look right and the puzzle may bulge but with effort that little piece can complete the puzzle after all. I say it is the 499 pieces that are the wrong pieces and so glad when I am able to share my experiences with those other 499 and the other near complete puzzle which understands. That my friends is a rare commodity. Acceptance takes a very long time. I'm still working on it.

But, hello, I was talking about a beautiful day. The day when those of us who need their dendrites and synapses fed a higher dose of vitamins, minerals and amino acids will come out of the darkness of depression and have a good life. It will come and I am staying till the curtain comes down and God willing have the chance for joy. I can't waste a day of it.

Good things: God will take whatever we are and create the greatest masterpiece anyone can imagine. The kingdom of God is within us, and with Christ on our side how can we help but win? The Lord is my Shepherd...He maketh me to lay down in green pastures, He leadeth me beside the still waters...He restoreth my soul.

Jump for joy! We have this single moment in time don't keep it bottled up in a musty basement...break it out and celebrate!

Books, Meds, Real Estate, Clear MInd, Psalm.

Woke up at 3 a.m. and finished reading the book, "The Time Piece" by Richard Paul Evans who wrote the book, "The Christmas Box". Excellent. It is a "prequel" sort of the the Christmas Box. Just a good story.

I'm in the middle of reading "the Count of Monte Cristo" The book is MMuucchh longer than the movie. I'm anxious to see a little more action and less intrigue. Oh well what more could I want than a guy escapes an island prison and ends up a Count! It is still good just a little long.

As far as meds go I have had several "normal" (for me) days. I think the psychiatrist hit the nail on the head with the alterations. It is so black and white out there. When your brain is well maintained you actually enjoy other people and can be layed back around them. The blackness is like a hood with webs that you see through. It's black and things are muffled and confusing.

We had a realtor come over yesterday to do a walk-through...housing prices have dropped within the last year but we hope to do okay. She was very complimentary about how our house looks. Yay!

Meditation and chakra. A sliver of heaven. A place to ground oneself and talk with God. I am so thankful that I can do this.

Here is a favorite psalm: the 34th..."I sought the Lord, and He heard me and delivered me from all my fears."

Cheese to go with my whine.

Whaaa! Will someone give me some cheese to go with my whine? (at this point you are either interested or not. whoever is "not" here's your chance to go back to face book and farmville)

Today was hectic. At 11:30 I was at the dentist's office getting a new crown and bridge in my mouth. With not much time to spare I made it to my MRI (doctor wants to see why I have brain seizures). At 3:00 the realtor was supposed to come but I got my wires crossed and it is tomorrow.

So now I'm typing this with a throbbing tooth, not wearing glasses so I can barely see what I am typing. My eye glass prescription must have changed. Whaaa! the end of the whine.

I have felt as good as I can get at this point. A guy with a 60 inch deck lawn mower is coming tonight to mow our grass. Our mower quit. Parts arent in yet. more whining. not really.

I've been reading "The Count of Monte Crist" great book to go to sleep to. My own I've written is on hold.. it is basically finished but I just havent been typing it.

The house is going good and so I keep my momentum and rarely sit down. Except for meditation or tea with a friend. Or..facebook and blog. Okay so I do sit down. I am going to change the picture for this blog. My picture of the day which in this case was my meditation candles in our fireplace.

I think tonight I go to the YMCA and try to get back in the habit of going every day. My physical symptoms are gone! YaY! Now if I could just get my brain tremors under control. Probably drug related. Either way I wish they would stop. With the many years of being on medication I don't even want to think about not having them (except for TrueHope supplements). Once I get started with the program again, I don't care how depressed I get, I will know it is temporary. With regular depression you can't see the end.

Pass the cheese please...

Chakras and Meditation

It has been a few days since last blog. The snow is finally gone and I am tempted to believe that it is spring. Found some tiny baby rabbits, the birds are enjoying the weather.

I'm feeling great today. Change in medication is working well for me right now. I'm thankful for my psychiatrist and psychologist. There is a reason for their fees. When we move I will need to find new psychiatric support. The waiting lists are huge to get in to see a doctor these days. But I am doing very well.

I'm in the middle of the book, "The Count of Monte Cristo." I fell asleep reading so I woke up at 3 a.m. to the light being on. I was so tired last night that when Bob and I were talking on the phone, he said our evening prayer, and after I said amen, we were winding up our conversation I asked, "Aren't we going to pray?" and he told me we just did. I was pretty out of it. I'm so grateful for the phones that keep us connected.

Yesterday we showed the house to our next door neighbors who are looking for more land. They have 5 acres and we have 2. The house is in very good order, The things that are here are wanted. I think I've just about thrown out my last garbage bag. :)

The garage however needs the main cleaning. We have been painting trim, putting all of our packed boxes out there, unused boxes for later... what a mess. I wish it was just boxes.. oh well At least I feel the house is very under control.

Last Thursday I bought some chakra balancing body mists. Chakras are spinning wheels of energy located along the spine from the tailbone to the crown of the head. the centers are junctions between mind and body. The link the various aspects of what makes us human: our physical energetic,emotional, mental , social and spiritual selves. Having done this once, I thought I would give it a try. I use them (one mist at a time)while meditating. I had experienced this before in Iowa City, and found it helpful. So when I got home on that day I arranged candles in our fireplace, got out a mat to sit on and sprayed the mist I felt would help me most that day. I meditate for about a half hour, the fragrances are each different. There are 7 of them

Chakra 1: Grounded. It is the center where we gound ourselves and take care of our basic needs. When the root chakra is balanced, one has a good energy, a feeling of security and a bealthy body awareness. It is located at the base of the spine,near tailbone. the aroma is Olibnum, organic patchouli and vetier. color red, element: earth.

Chakra 2: Nourished. It is located just below the Navel. When the pleasure chakra is balanced, one has stable energy, alertness, unblocked emotions and connect to all five senses. The aroma is a combination of sandalwood, organic orange and geranium. It's color is orange and the element is water.

Chakra 3: Intention. It is located at the solar plexus (between the chest and navel.) The aromas combined are fir balsam, organic lavender and lemon. It's color is yellow and the element is fire.

Chakra 4: Harmony. It's grounded at he heart or center of the chest. Chakra 4 is the center of sympathy, empathy and love. When the heart chakra is balanced, one feels love and connection to self and others. The fragrance is combined Sandalwood, organic mandarin and palmarosa. The color is green and it's element is air.

Chakra 5: Expressive. This is the center of creativity, self-expression and communication. It's location is the throat. When the throat chakra is balanced, one has inner trust, inner reliance and easily expresses ideas and thoughts. The color is light blue and it's element is infinity.

Chakra 6: Insight. The location of the chakra is between the eyebrows. It is the center of intuition, imagination and perception. When the intuition chakra is balanced, one feels strong intuition, a connection to oneself and mentally fit. It's aroma is a combination of organic petigrain, orange and geranium. It's color is dark blue and its element includes all elements.

Last one:

Chakra 7: Wisdom. Location is the crown of the head. It is the center of connection to something greater than oneself, and expressing wisdom and enlightenment. When the crown chakra is balanced, one feels strong, unclouded and joy for life. The color is violet and it's element includes all elements.The aroma consist of Olibanum, angelica and el;emi

The colors correspond with each different chakra. Before meditating, look at the colors presented and one or more will jump out at you, and that is the one you need for the day. I haven't read anything clinical about these chakra mists, but I do believe that we definately have an aura about ourselves good some days, pretty bad sometimes. I use meditation everyday. The scents are so different from other frarances that they grab your attention. When I am on the road to mania (not the movie with Bob Hope) I need to stop in my tracks, sit down or redirect. I feel that my life is not real sometimes because I feel like I am constantly putting out fires and using distraction as a grounding tool. This meditation helps me to breathe, focus on the color and the location of the chakra,I pray and concentrate on this being a very pleasureable experience. It gives me hope.

Time to Move On

Yesterday I bought a rose and gave it to the pharmacist's assistant at Walgreens. I've had to go in there often due to med changes and my physical illness. I am finally feeling good physically and overall. So I thought it might be pleasant for her to see me coming without a prescription this time.

It was a simple rose, peach with near-red tips. I bought it first and then decided who to give it to. I was going to go the the library, but since I owe $9 in overdue fines, I know, disgraceful, anyway I thought it might appear as a bribe!

The sun is coming up and the world is awake. I can hear the trucks out on the highway and the birds are quite enjoying the weather. I hope it doesn't rain today so I can get something done...painting the trim outside so I don't have to paint it after attaching it to the wall.

Yesterday I called the realtor and I'll have her come over the beginning of next week. That is her preference. I think a lot of Realtors are busy with the government incentive. I do hope it sells quickly. Being apart from my husband has been very difficult. There has been stress on both sides, me with the house and missing Bob, and Bob rising to the challenge of his new job and worrying about me.

I'm in remission for the time being. Thank you God!
Remission is what people with bi-polar and depression use to describe the time period between depressive episodes.

Today is a new beginning, "with no mistakes in it yet" - Anne of Green Gables.
Time to get down to work so I make a dent in the last of the cleaning. There are things I need to return to people, a couple of books. What is it with me and books? I'm reading the book "It's Time to Move On...An innovative way to harness the remarkable power of change" It is time to move on.

Have a great day, I'll see you tomorrow!

Learn to Like Yourself

I woke up and put my arm on my husband's side of the bed and figured he had just gotten up early. Then I remembered he is back in Illinois. That was sad. So even though it was 5:15 I called him up and told him that I miss and love him. He won't remember as he was incoherent getting a phone call so early. Just needed to hear his voice.

I'm feeling better now. Didn't break down with emotional flooding. I need to call a realtor today and make an appointment for her to come over. I've been getting rid of stuff left and right and there still seems to be an abundance of things. I'm grateful for everything we have been blessed with, but there comes a time when things do not have a hold on you anymore. And there are times when holding a small item brings back such memories. There are sentimental things that I don't want to part with, but I want where ever we move to not be cluttered. I think we will probably get a house that is a little smaller and not 120 years old. We'll see.

I've been having good days since my readjustment of meds. It is tough to get comfortable, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I am enjoying being alive now.

In living with yourself you need to somewhat like yourself. How do we do that? In Norman Vincent Peale's: Positive Thinking for a Time Like This I learned that the way you get to like yourself is the same as getting to like anyone else. Once you get to really know someone (in most cases) you come to like them for any number of reasons. The same goes for yourself. As you come to know yourself you will find greater depth of character and value. We all have to live with ourselves, you might as well be on good terms.

We are each our own worst critic. Maybe we should try to be a best friend and go a little easier on ourselves. I used to say "I'm sorry" for just about everything until I realized how often I said it. Then both my mom and my best friend pointed it out to me. I was apologizing for taking up valuable oxygen in the room. I didn't feel that I should exist and apologized for every feeling and action. I stopped for a while, but it has crept back into my automatic thoughts and words. I need to affirm that I am worthy of taking up space on this planet. If it weren't so, I would never have been born. God has given me a beautiful world, the Earth which is the only life-sustaining heavenly body in the entire Milky Way galaxy. We won the lottery when we were born into this life.

While in the hospital this last time, I was treated with respect. I was there for my safety and med adjustments. Having just come home from Clinton's Mercy Hospital the good old Great River Medical Center's behavioral health unit was like a five star hotel. And the patients complained (as I have done in the past), about the food. I was so happy to be in a place where I knew the staff and I was grateful that my insurance allowed me to stay to get on track..I was grateful for the nurses, doctors, and CNA's and the food. I just couldn't complain about the food. It was there, it wasn't always the greatest but it was food. There are so many in this world with so much less. I knew I was in a safe place, worked on my issues by putting them down on paper, and was fed. If I needed to talk with someone there was someone there. Whenever I have needed to be in the hospital for Bi-Polar disorder or depression it doesn't take me long to learn why other people are on the unit. My story and circumstances are so much better than some of the other patients'. This time I distanced myself a bit, I can get so caught up in someone's story to the point of feeling their depression I had to keep myself focused on my own issues and coping skills and as positive an attitude as I could muster.

I know that I have a great support system, a husband who loves me (I love him back), a wonderful daughter who is married to a great guy. This year marks me and my husband's 30th anniversary. If he wasn't the kind of person he is, the most patient man on the earth, I feel I would be lost. It is tough being around someone with depression. I gave him "outs" telling him that he should divorce me and go on and find someone who will make him happy. He told me, about five years ago that "If I were going to divorce you I'd have done it a long time ago..you're stuck with me." Now there is a man with dedication and commitment. And love.

So I head in to today knowing that I am not alone. Angels of Heaven bear me up and I walk with Christ, He carries me and I know that I have friends and family who love me. I have a roof over my head, my husband has a job, God has given me so many gifts.

When I have been in depression it has been tough. It is not like I have anyhting obviously wrong with me from the looks on the outside. I have been given many talents, gifts of God. A singing voice, hands able to play guitar, paint and sculpt. Knowedge of various things and to top it off my husband and daughter. From the outside someone not aware of my depression might look at me and ask "How can you be depressed? You have so much going for you?" Depression is a wild animal let loose in your brain, clawing to get out. I know when it's there. Other people don't see the torment and a cast cannot fix it.

But...for today...I am feeling good. Our bathtub is hooked up and operational (there's another blessing: clean running water) so I will take advantage of it and count my blessings.

Have a great day, talk to you tomorrow.

Sieze the Day and Rejoice

We had a very nice Easter. Everyone was home and we flew kites in the backyard. That was fun. You can never really have too much candy. It was good that I lost 20 pounds during my depression it gives me a little bit of excuse to over-indulge

I'm thankful for my Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ who took upon Him all the sins of the world so that through Him we might be saved. Part of my new morning regiment is to get to my knees and thank Him for his sacrifice. I try to keep Him in mind all day. I am writing up scriptures on little pieces of paper to leave in various places in the house as reminders of His love and the power of God.

Medication is wonderful when it is working. It is a gift of God. Today it is working. Thank you God. Because I have had more bouts of depression this year than ever, I can now appreciate with more enthusiasm the gift of every good day. I am trying to accept my illness as just an illness, a form of grief that will end and I will go into remission for a time. With God all things are possible and I know that this is one of those things that require a miracle to change. If I had but the faith of a mustard seed... This is the day that the Lord hath made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

While in the hospital I had time to write my new morning/day routine. It is slightly different from the one with five items to do. There are more things to do. This morning I went back to bed for half an hour and I slept two. But when I got up I took care of a few of my morning doings. It is not slothfulness when your brain is healing and you need to take a break.

Prayer is of the utmost importance. When your mind is in pain there is nothing it can grasp and hold. As I write down scriptures of hope to leave around the house (kind of like in the book, The House Without a Christmas Tree)I begin to memorize them. I read them out loud. I need to replace my automatic thoughts now while I still can to uplifting scriptures and quotes. I don't know how long this remission will last, so I have to infuse my mind with good things. Depression is horrible with it's grief and magnetic negativity. So I will feed it good thoughts. This sounds so contradictory to my post of wanting to put my arm through a double paned window. It goes to show that depression can be that all-encompassing. I need threads to hold to. Even a spider webs breadth is all there is at times. But God is over ALL and I must grip even the narrowest of threads to lift me. It is my lifeline.

People have called me tough. I guess in a way I can be tough just making it through every day. But it is difficult to be tough when you are nothing but powder. I know that God lives and can take that powder which I have become to build it up to a resilent being. I am happy for a break.

Here are a few paragraphs from the book "Positive Thinking for a Time Like This" in which Norman Vincent Peale compares faith to and enthusiasm and strength.
"Enthusiasm can work for you, and its absence can equally work against you. This is a fact because of the immense importance of spirit in successful life performance. Whatever happens, whatever losses you suffer, if you don't let your spirit sag or collapse, your comeback capacity will keep working; and all of us have this comeback potential. But when your spirit cools, then your personality may become brittle and , whereas before you could withstand even the heaviest knocks, now comparatively insignificant blows can crack and even break you.
"In a brass foundry I watched molten metal at two thousand two hundred degrees being poured out of huge crucibles made of some translucent material that when hot glowed like fire. The foundry superintendent who was showing me around took a huge sledge and holding it in both hands delivered powerful blows against a hot emptly crucible. The best he could do was to put almost imperceptible dents into its sides. Then he picked up a small hammer and approace a crucible that had completely cooled off. With a short motion only from the wrist he tapped the cold crucible and shattered it. he said, "and anything can break them when it is cold." Then he added, thereby revealing himself as a philosopher of sorts: It's pretty hard to break a man whose spirit is hot; but even small things will bust him wide open when his spirit goes cold."

That was a good way of saying that lack of enthusiasm works against you, whereas it's like magic when working for you.

I must be actively engaged in a good cause. I have my ideas, I think I wrote some of them in my previous blog. Today is Monday and the flowers in the flourist's shop are freshest. Today I will buy a single rose to present to the woman at the library "just because" I need happy experiences to draw on. Seize the Day and Rejoice!

House of the Week

It is 8:00 a.m. and I am feeling fine. Bob is home. That takes a lot of the stress off in general. I must get better.

Yesterday I took a good 2 hour walk with a friend. It was 82 degrees outside and I got a slight sunburn. It felt so good to walk and feel the warm sun on my face. We came across my "house of the week." It is an original "painted lady" Victorian in Fort Madison. It is beautiful. Usually I like to write down homes with great landscaping, but with it just blooming into spring around here the landscaping was hardly in great shape. But the house was gorgeous. The owner came out on the porch while we were standing admiring the house and she showed us a alternative to decorative gravel. It is shattered glass that has been treated like unto a rock tumbler so there are no rough edges. Lots of color and nothing sharp. She said she got it in Burlington recycling and dump.

I asked a friend to go walking with me for company. I was surprised how easily I could walk and not be tired. Being sick for as long as I WAS, yes it seems to be over, I was surprised that I wasn't out of breath. Onward and upward as my mom used to say.

My husband and I just may go to the Y today. I may have to take another walk to make sure I chose the right house for my House of the Week.

I believe that faith cancels out fear, and I believe that my Heavenly Father watches over me and angels accompany me and bear me up.

Oh, now I must design my "House of the Week" certificate to go with the award I'm sending out. THIS is FUN!

A New Plan

I woke up at 6 a.m. felt good physically and mentally, Praise be to God!! As those who read this blog understand, feeling "normal" is such a rarity for me.

My morning/day routine has been changed. It used to be: do the bare minimum when up to it, more when feeling good. My routine was: Get up, make bed, open shades, throw in a load of clothes, wash dishes. period. While in the hospital I came up with a new list. Here it is:

Get up

Breathe deeply

Climb out of the bed and sink to my knees in prayer and proclaim;"The kingdom of God is within me and with God's help I can handle whatever comes. Be thankful for a new day

Make the bed, put a chocolate mint on each pillow

pull up the shades on the windows

Go to the Y or walk around looking for my "house of the week" make certificate and get it ready to mail the next day

Shower and scrub my feet, thinking of how the Savior washed the diciples' feet.
then rub them with a chakra oil as if annointing to remind me of the woman who washed Jesus'feet with her tears, hair and perfume. (don't worry, I am not a fanatic, I just need reminders that the Lord is always with me)

Remember Paul's words in Romans 6:4 We should also walk in newness of life.

Wash the dishes

Wipe down sinks and faucets,keep counter clean.

Take my breakfast out on the back porch swing and look over at our neighbor's pond and recite, "This is the day that the Lord hath made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

Spend 4-5 hours on the house or more. one room at a time

Prepare a meal so I get my nutrition in. Before I was in the hospital I was not eating and had lost about 15 pounds. Not eating and depression often go hand in hand.

Breathe deeply

Read out of a Christian based novel. I just finished re-reading Anne of Green Gables.

Read scriptures and the Power of Positive Thinking

Keep a $5 bill in my pocket at all times specifically to be used to help someone who might not have enough money at the checkout counter or other emergency earmarked for someone other than myself.

Mondays buy a single rose and take it to someone unexpected, a grocery cashier, the woman at the postoffice, the librarian, leave it in the mailbox for the postal carrier, take it to a friend who is down. It will give me joy in the act of giving, brighten someone's day, look for opportunities to make someone else happy and keep my mind off of myself. This is something that brings enthusiasm which broken down means En (in) thusiasm (based on Theos or God) and therefore my enthusiasm means "in God."

before bed: make sure the kitchen table is cleared off so when I come downstairs in the morning I will see a clean table.

Let my knees hit the floor with thanksgiving.

Live every day as if it were my last, but remember, it probably isn't. And live everyday with joy when the days are good, and hang on to the image of Christ cradling a lamb for He is my shepherd. Know that unseen angels are bearing me up.

Breathe