Blowing it Big Time! They say you're not supposed to send the letter...

Seems like I've been having the most sleepless nights on record. Good fodder for doing stupid things. Like writing to a past employer things I always wanted to say and actually mailed it! WHAT?! you may ask. Yes, it's true.

There was an extremely difficult time in my life when a bomb was dropped on me the morning of an interview with said employer. My father unexpectedly passed away as I was getting ready to go to the interview. Blew my life apart. I couldn't get a plane ticket until the next day, and the Publisher was only going to be there that one day, It was March 11, 1999. I didn't know what to do. I was in shock. I couldn't go to comfort my mom, I couldn't do anything but try to take it in.

I had also baked and decorated a cake for a former co-worker in the same town because she became a new grandma. Stunned and numb, my husband drove, I figured if I could get to the newspaper and see my friends there, see how I do, if I was in any shape I would go on to the interview to be an art director for a book and magazine publishing company. I went. I remember one question, "Do you like to do research?" "Yes, I love researching things and I would be willing to find the best artists and styles and be cutting edge." That is all I remember about the interview. I think I mentioned something about HiLights magazine... I got the job. The then-current art director met with me and offered me the job, asked me what I paid my references to say the things they did and then I told her, My dad died this morning.

They wanted me to start work the following Monday so I could be trained by her in everything, but I said I needed to spend the time in California with my family so I missed my opportunity to be properly trained. And book publishing and newspaper publishing are as different as night and day. There is much more time for high quality work.

When that bomb went off in my life it was like, My house was just bombed, Now how do I do that color separation again? A job I have ingrained in my blood due to the years of graphics. My brain fell apart, my heart stopped, my life took a nose dive into a deep depression and I had a new job to do. My confidence was shot. The person who was supposed to do extraordinary work couldn't remember how to tie her shoes.

I was not your model employee, not the employee I had been that all my references knew. And all this company knew of me was broken. Bad turned to worse and between depression and attitude on all sides there were things I held resentment for and have held it in for years. I tried roll play, EMDR, therapy, talking it to death. I finally decided to set the record straight as far as my perspective in the way things went. I eventually resigned after going into the hospital due to suicidal Ideation. I was 'this' close. It was my dad who saved me, Christ really, but I knew that that was not what my dad would want, as much as I wanted to be with him.

So, I gave my former employer an explaination of maybe why I was the way I was, but things that I had left unsaid, I finally said. I addressed it, stamped it and my husband carried it to the mailbox for me with the other regular bills. He doesn't know about it. And now I am freaking out because, WHAT have I done? I can't think of one good thing that can come out of this. I thought it would take the burden off my shoulders, but instead it has stirred it up. Rather than put it to rest, I worry now about how she is going to receive my words. I am trying to be a good Christian and what have I done? I've done the thing that people always say they are going to do but don't because they value their job. It has been 11 years since I left, I only stayed with them for a year and a half but at the end I was ostracized. I know I have talked about that here before. But this time I told the person who was not in the building 75% of the time what went on, how I was treated, the depression, everything. And now I am "getting, getting that off my chest, off my chest" here.

If anyone reads this, please comment. I feel horrible. How do I send an "I'm sorry" card?

This has nothing to do with living like college students except the fact that I sent the letter is something someone in high school or college would do. I was just trying to put it to rest. What a mistake.

And that's all I have to say about that.