Contolling money, emotions, and surroundings

The groceries are put away, the valentine decorations are set out. I found a couple other things to set out in the living room, but I try to keep that room pretty spare. I'd like the whole house to feel that way. In a while I am going to go in and do dishes and make sure the counter is free of stuff. It is so restful to the eye which cuts down on feelings of anxiety and mania for me.

Speaking of mania and anxiety, I have been experiencing some over the past couple of days. Trying to maintain my good run of mental wellness. I have a big life decision I have been contemplating and I'm sure that has something to do with it.

I wish like Ziggy said, "Never get personally involved in your own life" I wish I wasn't so tied to my emotions. I don't know what it is like not to be. My husband can be extremely detatched. I feel things very deeply. When I say something is "gut wrenching" you can be sure my stomach is in that exact feeling physically.

When I worry about things I worry too much. I need to step back and take in a deep breath. Today I am worried about something and I have decided that that is exactly what I need to do. Detatch myself and take a step back. There are many reasons that what I am worried about isn't happening. Many scenarios. I will think good thoughts and reason the the thing I'm worried about isn't due to anger or malice.

Sometimes I think worry happens because we are not sure exactly where we stand, or what is going to happen next. Sometimes deciding on an action will be the thing to do. I guess I'm talking to myself right now. I know I don't have very many followers, if any today. Do what I can. And today I need to get some cleaning done in the kitchen and guest room. My desk runneth over in the computer part and I don't have a waste basket in here. I guess I'm going to remedy that today as well. I have two birthday presents to wrap for my husband's 55th birthday coming up this month.

But to be on the safe side I am goning to contact my doctor and tell him of my anxiety. I may take a quarter mg of clonazapam in the meantime. He has told me that I am able to do that when I have extra anxiety. I've done it for the past three days. Time to call the doctor. I thought getting one of my feelings out, closing the door on some "old stuff" was going to be the answer, turns out it is still very much an issue.

Anyway...
Oh, I got to practice a little bit of psychology yesterday. I went into a place that I go to often and the owner was there alone and we started talking. The very first thing she told me is, "I'm depressed." We talked for about an hour and a half. That was okay, I had errands to run but no other appointments. I told her some things that I do when I have depression to get out of it, or cope with it to some extent and one of the things I do is a "did" list, not a "to do" list. a to do list seems overwhelming and when you are depressed sometimes you cannot concentrate on one thing longer than five minutes, and the sight of a long list is not helpful, basically we know what needs to be done. So I told her about my "did" list, and that I write EVERYTHING that I do during the day. For instance today, I could write: Got up; made the bed; did a load of clothes; called a friend; checked facebook (not that that is on a to do list, but it was something that I did); got the mail; straightened the livingroom; made breakfast; read; wrote my purchases on our calendar of expenses... etc. Even opening the shades is on my list, because I have five things that are constatly things that I need to do EVERY day. If I don't do them then I know that my depression is getting severe. 1)get up. 2) make the bed 3) open the curtains 4) do a load of laundry 5) wash the dishes. If I can't do those five things I know I'm doing pretty bad. If I can ONLY do those things I am going down hill. If I do them all at once I am manic. Kind of like the weather predicting rock...set it outside, if it is wet it is raining, if it is white it is snowing... it's just a little indicating device.

Then I went to the next place where I was picking up something for my husband's birthday. I can say it here because he never reads this: I went to a bird watching supply store and got him a new feeder that attracts mockingbirds, cardinals, wrens, finches etc. and a bag of the best food to go in it. I had never been in this store, but the woman was very personable. We talked about the birds, her cat, her health and then she mentioned her husband had PTSD. I told her that I have that and she wanted to know what it was like, did I have triggers, are there things I can and can't do? How should she deal with her husband. And I tried to help her by telling her how my husband is with me. We talked for an hour and a half, I finally purchased the bird feeder and feed, and a little bird "sculpture" $3, to set on a shelf in our living room, and she told me thank you for coming in and she was so glad we talked.

I always wanted to be a psychologist. Glad I could help. Finally I got to the Y, logged 5 miles on the cross train eliptical, went the the grocery store, dollar tree, library and finally got home around 8 p.m. just early enough to get the food away and sit down before my husband came in the door at 9.

So this was more about mental health than anything, but I have noticed that taking control of our money is directly impacting the way I take care of my home, and my wellbeing.