Time on my hands

My fingers are itching this morning and there are only so many posts you can do on facebook without being completely annoying. I know I'm probably past that. Besides, few if any are going to read this and I want to type

Things I've done with my time this year:

I "work on" a lot of things. I don't however get a whole lot of things done. But this year I've managed to survive a wretched illness, experiment with drugs, remodel a kitchen and bathroom, keep a house clean constatntly trying to sell the house, visit the hospital emergency room three times, go on a week's long vacation to Colorado, sell a house, survive being separated from my husband for 8 months (while he got his new job out of state), work on a book, interview many people for the book, move, buy a house, leave my friends of 13 years, move farther away from my daughter (my least favorite thing), get a new house in order, keeping it that way is beyond me, find a place for everything, buy a new fireplace, decorate for Christmas, be in charge of the ward Christmas party, Sacrament program and New Year's Eve party and hey, start this blog.

Kind of a productive year. A productive year like verbs are productive. They make the appearance of doing something, but in the end, what do you have to show for it? I guess a house, a home, I made an advent calendar for my daughter out of tiny stockings and mittens I made and mailed them in a decent amount of time before Christmas.

Right now I'm working on a care package to send to my brother. Cookies, candy for Christmas. He'll like that. I've lost my box of best cookie cutters, so I'm free-handing the cookie trees and stars. I made him some of my mom's recipe of fudge and it really does taste like hers. I have her pan that she always used. In the box are also hershey kisses, starburst candy canes, strawberry his favorite, and imitation thin mints (like the girl scout cookie)

In a little more than a week it will be New Year's eve. One year ago that night a friend's little baby drowned in the bathtub. This year, in remembrance of that day, I'm taking part in a project that was originally done for this little boy's first birthday, and that was do something meaningful for someone else in his name.
So I have my thing chosen and will get it done before Christmas. I don't think his mom reads this, very few do, but if she does, know that it was started by someone who loves you very much and wants to help you through this difficult time. People are doing service in his name for you.

It is a small thing, but for many people participating, it IS very meaningful. I have had my trials this year, but I cannot imagine what it must be like for this young family. It is like a bad dream that you cannot wake from. I have had my illnesses and have gotten help and med adjustments. I worry about the day that I may not be able to get my meds and go into withdrawal and insanity, but usually 90% of the things you worry about don't ever happen. Tragedy happened to this young family, but so many have been helped in this little boy's name. Perhaps that was his mission.

I don't yet know what my mission in life is. I think I've done pretty well, living as I believe I should, following the commandments, but this year I had to make some serious decisions religiously, for sanity's sake. I know my Father in Heaven loves me, that Christ loves me and they know that I am doing what I can, the best that I can, in the stage I am in. I have felt huge loss in this area, and judgement by some. But I could not live with what was in my past experience any longer and continue to act as if everything was okay. It wasn't. But it is better now. My marriage has been affected, but because I have the most compassionate, patient husband, he does not pressure me. (he can be a little passive aggressive, but nobody's perfect. :)).

I think what I have to include in a mission statement for myself is to endure to the end. No matter what happens in my life, I must hang on. That scares the heck out of me. When someone passes away I envy them somewhat. They made it. They didn't give up, they stuck it out. If I can but do that I feel that I will win the biggest battle. So for the rest of my life this is part of my mission. I know there will be more and things I can't imagine yet that I will face, but I know my Heavenly Father loves and knows me, that Jesus is His Son and my Savior and Redeemer. He is my intercessor with my Father, He paid the price for me. Randsomed me from my sins. I must continue to remember this and remember to live as closely to God and His word as I can. Follow Christ's example. If I have to hang onto life with my fingernails, then I must do that. Hang on to the love of my daughter and husband. Live for others.

I don't make new year's resolutions. I make daily resolutions, such as, "I will not put one more candy kiss in my mouth today." Trying to make a plan for the year seems impossible, for a life even less so, but as we tell the youth about alcohol, decide now what you will do when offered it. Say no. Make the decision now, not on the spot. So I must decide for now and for the rest of my future. Hang on. Never give up. Claw with your toe nails if you have to. Know Christ is there and do whatever it takes to live. But if I must die, as surely I will someday, do it while serving or planning or thinking of good things. Try to stay spotless. Follow God's will. Do the best I can. I know I'll make mistakes along the way, that is where the Atonement comes in. Christ has paid the price. I need to repent with thankfulness and move on.

I don't know what my life will hold, but as of this moment, it is good. I will hold on to that.