A New Psychiatrist, Sans Lables

I have a new psychiatrist.

After moving I tried seeing the one closest to me who was covered by my insurance. The man was arrogant, kept his back to me and asked me for a list of my medications. He recorded them on a prescription pad and gave me a month's prescription for all of them whether I needed them or not. When I told him my medical history. He asked if I was married. I told him I was and that we had been married for 30 years. He told me I was lucky, most people would have left. When I talked the the receptionist I asked if I needed to sign anything for him to obtain my records from my last psychiatrist, she said, "well you can sign something, but he probably won't request them. He likes to find things out for himself."

So.

My new psychiatrist has the same name of a famous Olympic Ice Skater. Makes it easy to remember. He's an hour and a half away, but that is alright. I'm not seeing a psychologist anymore, I just need to have my meds regulated.

After filling out forms, I met him at the door as he called me in. My husband sat and waited in the waiting room. The doctor shook my hand. He was very gentle. That was a good sign, especially when you have PTSD. We walked to his office and he pulled out a chair for me and he sat directly opposite of me with his desk inbetween. His computer was on the desk so that he didn't need to turn away from me to enter data. He asked why I was there and so I told him of my move and that I needed someone to keep an eye on my medications. Then I told him of my diagnoses.

I told him that I had asked my former Dr. to remove the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder from my chart and why. I never ever want to have to be treated the way I was by a nurse at the hospital that bordered on abuse. One look at a chart that says, BPD and they assume you are all..anyone...manipulative...doing things for attention. The worst part is, is that they think you are doing this on purpose... I don't have BPD, so I don't know if some of my actions came across that way. I don't know if people with BPD do this on purpose.. But I was assured by my psychologist and then my former psychiatrist that I do not have the disorder. Maybe I will have better luck in the future with hospitalizations. But I don't ever want to be treated in the way I was with a lable on my back.

He asked me about substance abuse. I told him that that was also something I requested to be removed from my chart. About 8-10 years ago I was on Seroquel and ONE day I felt so bad that I took one during the afternoon to sleep through it. Both he and my former doctor agreed that that did not constitute drug abuse as it is normally defined. No Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes. I stay on my medications religiously because I know what it feels like when I have been taken off of something cold turkey. I will turn around if I've left the house without taking them and drive back and be late to something rather than go even one or two hours beyond my normal time of taking them. For some reason people will go off of their meds. Feeling good, they think they are better and don't need them. But what they don't realize is that the reason they feel better is BECAUSE of the medications.

So anyway I told him a little of my background, the reasons for my PTSD, that I am bi-polar with the emphasis on depression and that I only become hypo manic, not hyper-manic. Again I used my, "I don't go out and buy a plane" analysis for my mania. I might go out and spend $70 that we don't have and clean the house and bake a cake and design a card and write a book while coloring my hair manic, but that only lasts a couple of days and then it goes down from there. I told him of my self-harm addiction which is a symptom of BPD, and that I have been "clean and sober" of it since July 1 of 2009. He was happy to hear that. I told him that I had been diagnosed as having DID or Discociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) but told him that that was from a doctor at a trauma unit and she said that I had been in an altered state. No one else has ever observed behavior such as what was displayed there, and that I believed the doctor had used some kind of hypnosis and that the experience was vague. Being a five year old with a tiny voice curled in the fetal position then climbing the couch is not my norm. So he dismissed that! Thank goodness!

It was difficult to talk about some things, telling someone new, things of the past, things I'm ashamed off, and life events that helped form who I am. When I am doing as well as I am now, it is nearly impossible to recall the person who did such harmful things. (not that I'm a different person....) we have established that I don't have that disorder. :) I was surprised that my eyes watered and got choked up about it.

But I have to say that it was a very good session. Lasted an hour! I'm so thankful for insurance. We would be on the streets with the cost of my meds and doctor appointments. Psychiatrists ARE NOT CHEAP! But you cannot get the medication you need without them. Many people who can't, self medicate with illegal drugs and alcohol. I can understand that. I might choose that path too if I didn't have any other choice. So I cannot condemn those who choose to go down it.

I told him shaking hands that I was happy to meet him and I feel like I have been blessed once more with the right person in the right place at the right time. Most likely if I need to be hospitalized again it will be within the area I live and will probably end up with the arrogant...person whom I rejected, but at least I won't be saddled with the handicaps of some of my former lables.

There is a certain freedom in that. And my heart is lighter today.