Be There For Me, But Let Me Do It.

A few days ago I felt more than normal. I felt GOOD. It was wonderful. I remember day when that was something so normal to me. Life gets complicated and mental illness does not make it any easier. I'm sure anyone with a chronic illness has felt that way, that the everyday struggle makes it difficult to have those good days. It was just so unexpected.

I'm trying to merge into the life here in my new state, the people here are wonderful, very accepting. So nice and welcoming. I was worried about what our home was going to look like, where we would live, how was the city...but they were worries that were unfounded.

But sometimes I make my own trouble. I say things that should just remain unsaid so often. I finally blew up at my husband. As I said before, I like to drive myself because it gives me a feeling of being in control of something. I don't have control over the illness except trying to keep fit and try every technique in the book to keep myself up. That's a full time job in and of itself. Anyway, we live right next to a slow-moving river that we like to go down to and sit on camp chairs and read. We were doing that the other day, My husband carried the chairs down the small hill to the water and pulled mine out. I started to put it up but he took it and finished it for me.

There is a book called The Five Love Languages. His language is service. When he does things for me he is telling me that he loves me. So he was just being nice and loving to set my chair up for me. I tried to take it back to do it myself. I got so frustrated. I wouldn't be here if it were not for him. But I need to do some things for myself. Many times I have started doing something and he has taken over for me. If I were a loving grateful wife I would just accept it and say thank you. He is such a gentleman. But no, I got frustrated and he told me to "relax, you don't have to prove that you can do everything!"

So that is how I came across. All the times of my trying to do things for myself, giving me some "control" that is so lacking in my life, it came across as trying to "prove" something. I had no idea that that was how he saw my attempts to finish a task by myself. This is why I like to drive, usually by myself otherwise I will get directions. I know that I can drive where I need to go without assistance. It is just one way to have some control. I often give it up or fight it. He has taken it to mean I can do it myself and I am "proving" it by my frustration. I will never have a GPS. I can't stand to have someone tell me how to do something that I have "proved" to a state agency that I am fully capable of doing. I already have someone in the car telling me where to turn, why would I go out and purchase a device that does the same thing?

This sounds so bitter. It's not bitterness, it is simple frustration. There are so many ways and times that help is gladly welcomed, getting something out of the car, helping me in the kitchen, tucking in a blanket when I'm sick and laying on the couch, bringing me some hot cocoa, holding my hand on a slippery walkway. This past week he surprised me with pancakes that I didn't even know he was making. See! He is a wonderful man! And I know this. I just think that we cleared up a very long misunderstanding.

There have been years where most of the time I was in depression and slept all day, did nothing around the house and know that he carried me through all that time. But now, I am capable of these things. When you have been incapacitated for any length of time and not able to do things for yourself, you welcome the opportunity.

Several years ago I had two herniated disks in my lower back and litterally could not walk. I needed help with everything or I had to drag my body across the carpet to get to the bathroom. My husband would help me up and carry my full weight to get me there.

I've been helpless. I'm ready for some control. But I don't want to do it all alone all the time either. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and appreciate the wonderful man to whom I am so blessed to be married.