"Just" Depression

Yesterday I attended an orientation with the Vocational Rehab in my city. It was an overview of what I can do to earn money while still receiving Social Security Disabiliy.

We were encouraged to find something that will give us work within the number of hours allowed under the law and still receive the benefits. I thought, "what the heck? I thought Voc Rehab was supposed to aid you in getting OFF disability. That is my plan for the future anyway."

There was nothing brought up that I didn't already know from living in the last state I lived in but there was something that the presenter said that offended me. I can take all kinds of insults and let them roll off my back, but when it comes to my mental health I am a fighter. I'm an advocate for those with mental illness in any form and I try to educate those who do not personally have an illness. I honestly thought that when we came into the 21st century that the general public as well as physicians would be more enlightened than they surely are not. But for someone who works with Vocational Rehabilitation to make an uneducated remark, the presenter herself, I was offended.

It was at the end of the presentation and she was winding up and made the remark, "so whether you are physically disabled or just have depression, we can help you."

My own psychiatrist had to ask me about pain that I feel with depression. Severe clinical depression. I have come to the conclusion that I am somewhat different. I don't seem to fit in with the commercials, ads in magazines or even with my psychiatrist's definition of the pain of depression.

The counselor I met with after the orientation talked about pain of depression, forget the craziness of mania, we just talked about the depression side of it, and he made the observation that people with depression have body aches similar to fibromyalgia. This is where I am different.

My closest friends have not seen me at my worst. Only my husband, daughter and God are my witnesses, aside from in room cameras that capture images in the psych unit. In deep depression I double over in pain. I can hardly breathe, I beg God to take it away from me, I read my scriptures quickly out loud so I don't give a space inbetween words for any other thought to come into my head. The pain continues. It is gutteral major grief, except for one major difference. With grief, the pain which is excruciating comes in waves, whereas my pain is constant and I don't get relief except from sleeping, I open my eyes and the nightmare begins again.

This counselor had never heard it described in this way. My psychiatrist had never heard of it described in this way. Are there others out there who can relate to this?

The counselor said that when (or if) I get a job in a regular setting, that I didn't have to tell them anything, I don't have to tell them I have depression. So I said, "what kind of employer is going to keep my position open when I am hospitalized up to five times a year for a week at a time..that being my lowest, where a great amount of time I am "just" depressed and nearly unproductive?" He decided that the average workplace probably wouldn't work for me. So we are working on ideas that I can do at home.

I was going to sell my greeting cards, but after a feasiblility study determined the profit would be too minute to give me enough to replace my benefits. I have three other ideas: re-train in sign language interpretation, type term papers for college students since there are several colleges in the area, or go to Mr. John's college of cosmotology and become a nail technician. I think I could do the typing and the nail tech job. Both are self employment, and when I go into one of my grief periods I can step back for a time. The last two are short term goals the long term is being a certified sign language interpreter.

When I told my counselor what the presenter said, "just" depression, he said, "well that's why she's "just" a secretary.

Dear secretaries, are you offended?