Was It Worth It?

Was it worth it?

As I was driving yesterday toward the Illinois border I thought about how I used to drive this route to work at the small weekly newspaper in a very homey, "Mayberry-type" town. I decided after some time there that I wanted to consider IT my home town since L.A. is too busy busting crime to truly feel at home. I made great friends there. Salt-of-the-earth people who will drop everything to help you find your keys (that were in the lining of my purse all along.)

I worked as a typesetter after filling in as temporary graphic artist for the gal that was out with surgery. We all hit it off right away and I knew it was going to be a great experience. It was. One of my goals of life has been to live and work in areas as close to Mayberry as possible, or at least out in the country. This town was the proud owner of the "very first traffic light in the county" which was put in in 1996. When I left that was still the only traffic light in the county.

I worked as a: reporter, typesetter, photographer, photo processor, graphic artist, political cartoonist, columnist, and updated the website for a while. The publisher offered me a job at their sister newspaper across the river back here in Iowa for a $2 an hour raise (a lot when you are only making $7 an hour) as their composing room manager. I've known too many composing room managers and it wasn't worth it. Besides, they already had a great manager who had been there for 24 years and her system worked well, so why change it?

I loved the people at this newspaper in the town with the town square and an historical courthouse where Lincoln stood on a rock to give a speech. There is a placque on the rock. I had not gone into a deep depression while there, I hadn't been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, I still had my issues, but when I worked at the paper it was more like working in a living history museum. A little bite out of the past, still doing the pasting up of the paper rather than sending it straight to film. It suited me just fine. But to call this "just a weekly paper" were fighting words to all who worked there. Everyone played many roles and the paper was an award-winning paper for layout and design, stories, advertising and circulation.

I left the paper and started working at the sister paper. They warned me not to go, that I wouldn't like it. I still got the raise. But they were right. Little did I know that when the publisher of our paper (who was also the publisher of the one in Iowa)would come over to Iowa he would go on about this woman who, according to one person there, was "the next best thing to sliced bread." For those who worked in composing at the Iowa paper, a daily, they didn't take kindly to hearing about this new person. They didn't know that I was offered the job as their boss, but not knowing me they had a resentment started for me long before I ever stepped foot in their department. That was evident and later proved very truthful. I didn't stay too long at the paper, after hearing snide remarks, having someone mess with my computer changing the setting to "backward" where all the ads printed backward, the screen itself had everything spelled backward. They were very disappointed when I figured it out and changed it back. But it didn't make for a warm fuzzy feeling. So after talking with my husband, I left.

After working later as an Art Director for a book and magazine publishing company and going into my deepest depression, unable to pull out of it for a year and a half, partly a vicious circle of my depression, their reaction, my depression, ostacization..I left after spending time in the hospital.

The first newspaper offered me a job back there, less pay, but they knew who I WAS as a person. Something the book publishing Co. knew nothing about. But after going through depression and suicidal ideation I was NOT the person I was before. I still had bouts of depression, not so severe, or mood swings and the former publisher with whome I got along great was replaced twice, once with a really nice guy and then with the Publisher from Hell. Tension mounted, it wasn't the happy place I had worked at before. My mood was a wreck, med adjustments didn't help. Everyone was patient with me. Except the publisher.

He rearranged the departments at both newspapers, and decided due to my mood swings to dispose of me. Had I not gone through the attitude of the paper in Iowa or the ostracization of the book publisher or the general stigma of depression and the misunderstanding of mental illness in general, I would not have gotten to the point I was at. I was told my work was excellent, but it was another reason for my being fired. When I asked what that was, I was told of my mood swings. Guess what? That is against the law. I had had it. I sued and after five years we settled. Not for much but it was the principal of the thing. So, was it worth it? No.

I did it to make a point. The EEOC got involved, no one from the paper would testify for me but that was okay, they wanted to keep their jobs. Can't blame them for that. I had many others who would testify. It turned the whole newspaper office upside down, tracking down every bit of paper, file, ad, column, photo, sketch, cartoon, article that I had produced while I was ever employed there. I didn't want to do that to my friends...but it was the principle of the thing. I was tired of being told to "snap out of it" and then having it end my job. Was it worth it?...No.

Now I am leaving the area and I have lost contact with the people at the paper. I am an awkward acquaintance who put them through the wringer. Even though there are those who thought I was in the right and doing the right thing. It is detrimental to their job if they are caught talking on the phone to me.

Putting my friends through that was not worth it. The settlement? When all the taxes had been paid and the lawyers fees and extra expenses that weren't normal lawyers fees were paid, it was less than $5,000. It was the principle of the thing, I felt vindicated somewhat. Not the $18,000 that I was awarded after paying everything out, but like I said, it was the principle of the thing. And it was not worth it.

I'm leaving the area, didn't pick up any friends at the sister newspaper, or the book publishing company, and with the collateral damage at the homey Mayberry paper I don't have them anymore either. In hind sight it was definately not worth it to me personally.

However, if people with mental illness sit back and don't fight, the stigma will continue. Action has to be taken to bring this out into the fore more often. It is still so misunderstood. I pay for it everyday. Fight the fight. Eventually... it will be worth it for the whole, but personally there is a lot to lose. Years later..without seeing any more understanding, losing friends...It was not worth it to me. Not by a long shot.