Calm Seas Don't Produce Skillful Sailors

Well it seems if there isn't one crisis, I have to have another going on. Spiritual this time, can't elaborate but I am tired.

I want the house finished and listed. It is taking a long time. Bob and I have been apart nearly 5 months. At least we are in driving distance only three and a half hours in between.

Yesterday I fell back into depression for a time. Couldn't wait to get in bed and read Pride and Prejudice. I worked out pretty good yesterday. Had a lot of pent-up frustration to get out. Swam for a half hour, did free weights, Cross-train eliptical for 35 minutes and treadmill for 30. I have little control over the state of the house, but I have control of my working out and what I put in my mouth. I'm back to not eating very much. I have to watch it. I don't want to lose another 20 pounds in a month. Losing weight would be great, but not by being depressed and alone. I had Monday and Tuesday were excellent. I was just this side of hyper manic and was slightly hypo manic.

It's great to have fun and I did at relief society this week. I look at these women and love them, and have loved them for a long time. But knowing I'm leaving I see these women as ghosts that are going to evaporate with my move. I will always love them and respect them. They just wont always be there. My spiritual life is inverted. My husband I think is hoping my spiritual downfall is due to depression. But this has been something I have struggled with for 28 years or so. I've just now found the need for bringing it to the surface.

I've been reading Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, and am now reading through Pride and Prejudice. I love reading. But my pursuit of happiness at this point is getting the house ready. Take some pictures, make a flyer for the realtor and ourselves and get it out on the market. I still take time for my Meditation and Chakra balancing.

See, right there I sound like a nut case. Good thing I have drugs. I can't wait to get back on the supplements. A friend has been taking something and I want to see what it is. She is feeling great.

That seems to be my life. Running around like a mouse hunting for cheese, I search and reach and look over the maze searching for the promised land of normal. I'm better able these last couple of times as bringing to mind the suffering of others which is worse than mine or comparable. Just knowing that others, some, have no relief at all in their illnesses and conditions gives me a feeling of guilt because I complain, live through it by the skin of my teeth and then at least have a break of a few days. I wanted to leave today to go to Illinois but I want the kitchen done first. Maybe tomorrow.

I like getting in shape, like I said it is one area that I can control. I suppose I should close for now since it is nearly noon and I haven't even started my chores.

I'm going to make it! Failure is not an option and the saying, "Calm seas don't produce skillful sailors" is my new battle cry. I'll just keep riding the waves and know there is relief at the other side.