Learn to Like Yourself

I woke up and put my arm on my husband's side of the bed and figured he had just gotten up early. Then I remembered he is back in Illinois. That was sad. So even though it was 5:15 I called him up and told him that I miss and love him. He won't remember as he was incoherent getting a phone call so early. Just needed to hear his voice.

I'm feeling better now. Didn't break down with emotional flooding. I need to call a realtor today and make an appointment for her to come over. I've been getting rid of stuff left and right and there still seems to be an abundance of things. I'm grateful for everything we have been blessed with, but there comes a time when things do not have a hold on you anymore. And there are times when holding a small item brings back such memories. There are sentimental things that I don't want to part with, but I want where ever we move to not be cluttered. I think we will probably get a house that is a little smaller and not 120 years old. We'll see.

I've been having good days since my readjustment of meds. It is tough to get comfortable, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I am enjoying being alive now.

In living with yourself you need to somewhat like yourself. How do we do that? In Norman Vincent Peale's: Positive Thinking for a Time Like This I learned that the way you get to like yourself is the same as getting to like anyone else. Once you get to really know someone (in most cases) you come to like them for any number of reasons. The same goes for yourself. As you come to know yourself you will find greater depth of character and value. We all have to live with ourselves, you might as well be on good terms.

We are each our own worst critic. Maybe we should try to be a best friend and go a little easier on ourselves. I used to say "I'm sorry" for just about everything until I realized how often I said it. Then both my mom and my best friend pointed it out to me. I was apologizing for taking up valuable oxygen in the room. I didn't feel that I should exist and apologized for every feeling and action. I stopped for a while, but it has crept back into my automatic thoughts and words. I need to affirm that I am worthy of taking up space on this planet. If it weren't so, I would never have been born. God has given me a beautiful world, the Earth which is the only life-sustaining heavenly body in the entire Milky Way galaxy. We won the lottery when we were born into this life.

While in the hospital this last time, I was treated with respect. I was there for my safety and med adjustments. Having just come home from Clinton's Mercy Hospital the good old Great River Medical Center's behavioral health unit was like a five star hotel. And the patients complained (as I have done in the past), about the food. I was so happy to be in a place where I knew the staff and I was grateful that my insurance allowed me to stay to get on track..I was grateful for the nurses, doctors, and CNA's and the food. I just couldn't complain about the food. It was there, it wasn't always the greatest but it was food. There are so many in this world with so much less. I knew I was in a safe place, worked on my issues by putting them down on paper, and was fed. If I needed to talk with someone there was someone there. Whenever I have needed to be in the hospital for Bi-Polar disorder or depression it doesn't take me long to learn why other people are on the unit. My story and circumstances are so much better than some of the other patients'. This time I distanced myself a bit, I can get so caught up in someone's story to the point of feeling their depression I had to keep myself focused on my own issues and coping skills and as positive an attitude as I could muster.

I know that I have a great support system, a husband who loves me (I love him back), a wonderful daughter who is married to a great guy. This year marks me and my husband's 30th anniversary. If he wasn't the kind of person he is, the most patient man on the earth, I feel I would be lost. It is tough being around someone with depression. I gave him "outs" telling him that he should divorce me and go on and find someone who will make him happy. He told me, about five years ago that "If I were going to divorce you I'd have done it a long time ago..you're stuck with me." Now there is a man with dedication and commitment. And love.

So I head in to today knowing that I am not alone. Angels of Heaven bear me up and I walk with Christ, He carries me and I know that I have friends and family who love me. I have a roof over my head, my husband has a job, God has given me so many gifts.

When I have been in depression it has been tough. It is not like I have anyhting obviously wrong with me from the looks on the outside. I have been given many talents, gifts of God. A singing voice, hands able to play guitar, paint and sculpt. Knowedge of various things and to top it off my husband and daughter. From the outside someone not aware of my depression might look at me and ask "How can you be depressed? You have so much going for you?" Depression is a wild animal let loose in your brain, clawing to get out. I know when it's there. Other people don't see the torment and a cast cannot fix it.

But...for today...I am feeling good. Our bathtub is hooked up and operational (there's another blessing: clean running water) so I will take advantage of it and count my blessings.

Have a great day, talk to you tomorrow.