Jump For Joy!

I spent the weekend with my husband and even though there is lagging in the back of my mind of another depressive episode, we had a great time. Feeling good is so elusive. Happiness is a gust of wind that we cannot grasp, but JOY! Joy is what our lives are to be. If you have ever read my blog you are pretty much tired of the "woe is me" attitude.

I feel that this is the time to run and jump and thank God for the life I have been given. Depression goes into remission. And it is so wonderful to be "back" among the living and laughing voyagers on this mission we call life. Spending precious time with my hubby and knowing it was to be shortlived due to our distance, I tried to spend every moment with him as was possible. It is true that absence makes the heart grow stronger...unless you have a flood in the bathroom and he's not there to help.

I remember my dad telling me that eventually kids grow up and are amazed at how much their parents knew. I was mostly compliant, it was safer in that and many other ways. I thought my dad was talking about once you become an adult and no longer have the teenage "know-it-all" attitude. And I thought that once in my 20's or 30's I would surely have it all figured out. Well. I am past that expiration date and am just now beginning to see things for the first time in so many ways, in so many people, that is what we should concentrate on. This is the first time on the planet..for most of us...:) and we didn't get either a a shred of clothing nor language or manual. We've all made mistakes. The biggest mistake is assuming that every one else out there has it figured out.

The older I get the more I understand my mom and dad, polar opposites in discipline and many other ways but they loved each other and their differences made them stronger. This year my husband and I will have been married for 30 years! That probably doesn't seem too impressive to some people. But to remain married in spite of the depression, or mania, mood swings he is still here for me. He has always been here for me.

Severe Clinical depression is a disease, as much as epilepsy or diabetes or asthma are. Those with depression, not the kind where you have a couple bad days at work and are irritable, but knowing that something is drastically wrong about the way their brain is working. Watching it unfold and morph into something or someone unrecognizable by their actions and subject matter. Social Leprosy is what it is. There have been so many advances over even just a few years I am grateful for living in this period of time, where even when I am crushed to powder I can still be helped and not cast out. Bob has never cast me out. He has had to cope with things in his own way. He has his stressors, a demanding job in this ruptured economy, bills, and a wife who struggles with the ideation of suicide.

I have learned through this illness that is a good and/or bad time for thoughts to be unleashed on the one you love. I am trying to temper my thoughts, for some of them not only bring me down but bring him down as well. I have learned that people do not understand your circumstances...there is no wound (unless self-inflicted), or cast, crutch, or sling to do the advertising for the fact that a person is suffering.

Many doctors believe and it is in the DSM-IV Diagnostic manual for mentally ill patients that one can be pigeon-holed and there is no cure. There is no "cure" for depression when it is overpowering someone. Drugs are answer...for some...for now. But to be pigeon-holed and treated as if the you are the last piece of the puzzle...being forced to fit into the lovely little world of 500 pieces. And you don't fit the mold. Is it the piece that is defective or is it the puzzle? I think there is a place for all shapes and sizes to come to the table, wealthy or destitute, beautiful or not, shy or commanding. It can hit anyone. And non of them feel they really "fit in". I can see it, I can try to conform to the space that is last for me, but in my heart I will not be "altered" to fit with the overwhelming majority of someone's view.

The puzzle maker made this boxed up puzzle defective. There is an extra piece. It doesn't belong to the same puzzle as the other 499. It might not look right and the puzzle may bulge but with effort that little piece can complete the puzzle after all. I say it is the 499 pieces that are the wrong pieces and so glad when I am able to share my experiences with those other 499 and the other near complete puzzle which understands. That my friends is a rare commodity. Acceptance takes a very long time. I'm still working on it.

But, hello, I was talking about a beautiful day. The day when those of us who need their dendrites and synapses fed a higher dose of vitamins, minerals and amino acids will come out of the darkness of depression and have a good life. It will come and I am staying till the curtain comes down and God willing have the chance for joy. I can't waste a day of it.

Good things: God will take whatever we are and create the greatest masterpiece anyone can imagine. The kingdom of God is within us, and with Christ on our side how can we help but win? The Lord is my Shepherd...He maketh me to lay down in green pastures, He leadeth me beside the still waters...He restoreth my soul.

Jump for joy! We have this single moment in time don't keep it bottled up in a musty basement...break it out and celebrate!