Good Morning! Is Depression Selfish?

What a wonderful start to a day! I went to my first Tai Chi class this morning that started at 8 a.m. at the Y. SO refreshing. Before I left home I meditated for a half hour.

I was able to do my chores before leaving. I did get up at 5:30. Just couldn't sleep. I keep dreaming of the cake Heidi, Travis and Bob got for me at a specialty bakery. I'm ready to travel the hour and a half just for that. I won't be going to Iowa City until next Thursday, but Heidi and I will definately be going to brunch!

Things I did this morning before 11:00 a.m.

Took a shower, made the bed, opened the windows, ate yogurt and a banana for breakfast. Went to the Y. Did tai chi, then went down to the weight room and worked my quadracepts, Lats,arms and chest. Then I went to the Cross-trail eliptical and did that for 35 minutes and finally I swam for about 30 minutes. I know it is possible for me to weigh 167. I just want to do it nutritionally sound and exercise with it. I probably could have stayed all day, but the house still needs attention.

What? Do I feel selfish for taking that time for myself? Should I?
To many people depression means nothing, because the average person has been "depressed" over an inconvenience. Those diagnosed with Severe clinical depression, bi-polar disorder, PTSD, and mood disorder know to the depths of dispair because they have been the lowest. Sometimes people don't believe in depression because there are breaks in between episodes. Dispite this being the 21st century, there is incredibly faulty thinking of this illness. I remember my first time in the psych unit. I couldn't find enough information outside the hospital, but once I was there there was a plethora of pamphlets and sheets and brochures. My doctor has not released me for work. I have to fill my day with things to do. I volunteer at church, scouting and the Red Cross, I'm writing a book and keep sending another to get published by someone. I take care of the house. The library is getting to know me better. And when I have episodes, I am not much good to anybody. So, although it may appear selfish, the things I do to occupy my mind are there to distract myself to survive.

Today is the day I normally see my psychologist. We are at every-other-week now. Today has been great, the weather perfect and I feel good. I still take my medications as prescribed knowing that going off of them cold turkey would be a way to become increasingly manic or suicidal. As I have said before it is such a delicate balance.

Yesterday I got some results of an MRI, due to what I consider small "seizures" in my head. I have mild chronic sinusitis (never would have guessed that), right mastoid effusion and mild diffuse cerebral atrophy. My doctor, not the neurologist interpreted it for me. The mild diffuse cerebral atrophy is something that happens as you age, but I am too young to have this condition. So I will wait for the neurologist to reassure me that the the seizures are medication related and not organic.

One more reason to get off medication. I have no idea what all of the medications I am on have done to my body. Hopefully everything will be fine. My husband and daughter have remarked about my memory loss as more significant. So I stopped using Ambien as it tends to have that effect. But I haven't been on it for long. No seizures identifiable during the period since I started taking Ambien.

There is no pattern to the spells. I can go two or three days and have them each night, and I can go weeks without symptoms only to have a terrible night fighting to stay awake so the seizures don't zap me. I'm like a neurological bug light!

Anyway it is a seriously glorious day outside. I think I will paint the window boxes.