A Long Life

I am convinced now that vitamins and minerals are the way to go. I'm still fighting illness and have six people and/or groups assigned to different projects in my house to try to sell it. I'm in authentic depression where the pain hurts so bad I wish it could stop my heart. But it doesn't.

This road of psychotropic drugs is in itself depressing. I'm addicted out of pure necessity of survival. At times I feel totally spent, with no energy to even walk from one room to another. I went to see my husband this past weekend and had to call my doctor's office on the way because I was heading further into depression. I spent my evenings with my head on my husband's lap, curled up in a ball weeping. I came home Monday morning, my best time of day, because I didn't know if I could make it driving home on Wednesday. I told someone of my pain and how I wished I could die because of it rather than live with it. They questioned my pain, what kind of pain? Physical. Mental. All of it. I have no appetite but know I must eat for my drugs to be effective.

I pray that once I get settled into a new home (whatever that might be) that I will have the strength to withstand the temporary depressions that come with withdrawal. It has to be better than med adjustments.

I'm fully aware that what is happening in my home can cause feelings of depression. There is a difference in feeling unable to cope and having severe depression. A few nights ago I was trying to figure out the best month to end it. I decided I didn't want to do it this year since I gave my husband a "Calendar Girl" calendar of myself on each month. I don't want him seeing my face on a month that I don't exist. This is in itself improvement I guess, I am thinking of how this would affect someone else and that is a step forward.

Now that I am on the course of psych meds I will continue this blog because I know that I never felt this bad while going through that transition. This is a long life.