More Than a Glimmer of Hope

I'm not quite back to my old self, but starting to feel a little better. Maybe I can go to the Y tomorrow or Wednesday. Tomorrow I will more than likely be reducing medication again. I am learning to sense when it is time. I was so busy today, my daughter and her fiance were here painting and I was packing things, we finally got the Christmas tree down! The house looks empty when you are painting and then you have the big gap where the tree was sitting. I suppose, it is almost Valentine's day. Time to put Christmas things away.

It was a good day, lots of working together and visiting. Now it is just me and this journal entry. Everyday gets me closer to freedom from medication. It is going much quicker than I expected. I was expecting months, not weeks. But it is going well. At my last Psych appointment some of my prescriptions needed to be renewed. I don't think I am going to need refills again. What a wonderful thing.

It is snowing out and my daughter said that it is looking bad up their way. Hopefully the weather will be good by Thursday so I can visit with my psychologist face to face. She is nearly as excited about this breakthrough treatment as I am. I know that this is new to her as well, and is amazed that someone like me, who has never been able to reduce medications without severe consequences, can be doing this and not hospitalized at the same time. If I were to go in, I don't know how my brain could handle an INCREASE! That would be insane. I never thought it could be possible to do this and be as well as I am. Yes, I am stressed with everything going on, getting ready to sell the house and doing this as the same time...probably not my wisest decision, but I'm doing it and it is working.

If we wait around for things to be perfect before we do anything, nothing will ever get done. I'm taking the opportunity I have at this time in spite of the fact that it is not perfect. My body is stiff from not working out, tired of being sick and yet I feel grateful for the supplements and that they are available to me.

Several years ago after having spent two weeks at a psychiatric hospital's trauma unit in Kansas City, Missouri, I went to St. Joseph, MO to the Glore Psychiatric hospital museum. Housed in a former psych hospital, this museum was a trip in time that showed all of the different ways mental illness had been treated over centuries. Thank God I am here now. I had a dream not too long ago that I was in a mental hospital and was taken to a door. Behind that door was a place for those who were beyond help. All they did was unlock the door, send the person in and locked the door behind them. There was screaming. I have always, since first evidence of mental illness, have had the fear of being untreatable and only to be left alone in the hospital. There is more than a glimmer of hope now.

And with that, I'll say good night.