Every Breakthrough Has a Process

I've decided to sleep this illness off. I've been struggling with the pain and symptoms for two weeks and the best thing I can do is to give my body a complete rest. So I will write and go back to bed. Maybe I'll put in a movie and sleep to that. That sounds like a plan.

Yesterday was pretty horrible. I had anxiety most of the day and depression the majority of the night. The feeling of "why me?" and I got the answer: why not me? Everyone has their thing. This is mine. I also had a bout of being so afraid of this process that I wanted to give up. If feeling the anxiety and depression that I had last night was any indication of what was to come I wanted to stop. My husband and some friends stepped in to encourage me and for the moment feel better.

I slept in and then got up and took some tylenol P.M. so I could sleep this day through. I think my depression was a self-fullfilling prophecy. I was worried about protracted withdrawal and ended up facing depression. It was just as real however. I don't know if it was organic or fear, I just know I was miserable.

I went to the Y yesterday to get myself out and try to shape up. I was able to only work out for 15 minutes and I was done. That was when I realized that I had not kicked this illness yet. I tried to drive to Staples 30 miles away to get printer ink, but my body just couldn't do it and I turned around and came home.

Today, my mind is clearer than yesterday and I am not depressed. I guess I would really just like a miracle to take all of this pain and process away. But I need to be patient. I have been flooding my body with chemicals for ten years, I can't expect it to resolve itself overnight. Withdrawal is going to have to happen. Now I wish I had never gone on medication at all. But there is no point in wishing that. I just have to live with the hand dealt me. Meds were the only answer for me at the time, and now I have to have faith that what I am doing is the correct path.

I've got a contented cat sitting on my lap as I type. She is very accomodating in letting me be an uncomfortable lopsided surface for her. I'm going back to the Shawshenk Redemption idea of breaking through the wall. Getting through the wall was the first step, wading through the crap was the next. I imagine that in the future when I am well and whole, there will be supplements that are just what the body needs in counteracting the withdrawal symptoms, but there isn't a set of fool-proof recommendations yet. Every medical breakthrough came with people going through a painful process. I can do this. I've survived this long, I can do this.

In Gratitude: I'm grateful someone discovered this treatment as imperfect as it is. I'm happy that God watches over me and helps me through each day. I'm thankful for my family and friends and the support and love they supply.