A Daily Gauge

It is amazing the difference a day can make. I'm feeling better today. That is the way with mental illness, down one day and better the next, it is a roller coaster. So far I have only had a few days of depression since beginning this transition. Tomorrow I will probably reduce again. I am off of Alprazolam, and will shortly be off clonazapam and Lamictal. My physical pain has mostly subsided, but I am going to be taking it easy today as well. We have an inch of snow and are expected to get 5-7 more inches tomorrow. I have errands to run today and the snowplow just went past the house. So maybe I will get out of here for a while today.

I spent yesterday in bed or on the couch. Depression was there but looking at it as part of the process of a hopeful life made it much easier to deal with. If I can have up days interspersed that will be enough to keep me going. As I posed the question to a friend, "what choice do I have?" I have to keep going.

It is easy when I am in a deep depression to wish life were over. I have faith in the logic of this treatment. My brain is not right and needs to heal. I will give myself time and love and patience to accomplish this. It doesn't mean I won't have days where I want to cry. I'm sure I will. But through all of the coping skills I have learned to incorporate in dealing with this personal trial, I can acknowledge that it is a feeling that will pass. The frustrating thing is: when? These few days of anxiety and depression have shown me that they have been mostly short lived.

I'm not feeling up to par today but I am feeling well enough to get some cleaning done. Again, if I can get four to five things done on my daily routine that is a successful day. 1)make the bed; 2)open the shades; 3)wash a load of clothes; 4)wash dishes; and 5)take a shower. This is a basic list. If I can't accomplish these five things, I know I need to take care of myself, grab a book and redirect. The next day I will be able to do all of these things and 15 more or so. I just must have a routine. It is a good gauge.

Today I have an eye appointment, need to buy printer ink and check out a consignment shop for any cash I have earned. I'm going to try to take on the sunroom on a snowy day. I also might have our friend fix the upstairs plumbing today. I hope that can be accomplished. Just having a to do list shows me that there is a future.

In Gratitude: Feeling blessed to live in this free land of ours, at a time when this treatment is available. I'm grateful for my husband and his job and what a good man he is, his compassion for me and others. I'm thankful that I have a doctor who is open minded to this treatment. I'm thankful for the doctors who have treated my current illness and the medication that has helped. I pray for others who are suffering. Have a great day!