Withdrawal

Last night was spent shaking mostly. I just hang on the the hope of more normal days in the future. This morning I feel better, but tenative. I'm not sure how long I can go today without shaking. I talked with my counselor about the medication reduction and I'll call back on Monday. I'll stay where I am at for now.

The problem with withdrawal is not so much the shaking but the whole feeling of hopelessness and wanting to wake up from the nightmare. It's like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place. I can't resign myself to staying on medication that is such a balancing act, but I can barely tolerate the withdrawal. Back in October due to a medication interaction while on my way to my doctor appointment, I had the overwhelming urge to turn my steering wheel into oncoming traffic. Within a split second I realized that it wasn't my own thought, but something was radically wrong. I told my doctor what happened and he had his receptionist walk me to the emergency wing of the medical center and I was admitted for medication adjustment. That wasn't in my plan for the day.

I have other plans. I plan on having a life not hemmed in by regulated medication. The vitamins and minerals treatment has an 86 percent success rate. I have not had any side effects due to the supplements and I have had a couple of normal days. I live for those. Being able to feel normal is like having a carrot in front of my nose. I won't rest until I'm on the other side of this.

One thing about me that is both a strength and a weakness is the fact that I am stubborn. It is just what I need to keep me going. That and a huge dose of faith and prayer.