What "Normal" feels like

Ahhh. Yesterday and today I feel "normal". Now most people will say, "what is normal? there is no normal." Yes there is. Every person has their own "normal." Otherwise we would not use phrases such as, "I feel a little out of sorts", "I just don't feel like myself today." "I am beside myself." We each know when we feel good, bad or just so.

"Normal" is totally under-rated. Normal is epic to someone with Bi-Polar disorder.

Yesterday morning as I sat at this computer, had some hot cocoa (yes John, it runs in the family), and I didn't have thoughts of what I had to plan for the day as distractions from my feelings. I didn't need to plan self soothing activities, make sure I was going to go work out, feel the need to super-clean, or breathe in for four breaths and out for six or any of these things as distractions to wrench myself out of anxiety.

I had an appointment with my Psychologist yesterday morning. She was amazed at my lack of anxiety. Living with Bi-Polar Disorder is an intense 24/7 job. Getting from moment to moment, second by second. I was able to sit and talk, without anxiety, and she commented on the fact that all I had been doing for months and months had been working, trying to maintain some sense of balance and had not been having too much success at it. It is tiring. I was able to "be in the moment", a technique we strive to acheive with dialectical behavioral therapy. One of the many many coping skills needed to distract. Imagry, self talk, grounding, wise mind, radical acceptance..just a few that have to be employed in distress tolerance to deal with life. I was free to think, look around and feel..normal.

This is the second day of normal for me. How wonderful. I know there are things to do around the house, but I don't feel compelled to do them. I have a choice. I'm pretty sure there is a good possibility of having the time to do them. Not a guarantee, but its possible.

There are some who think, and may(?) be right, that one chooses to be depressed or manic. Why would anyone ever choose either of these options? There are different degrees of depression as well as mania, mild to severe. At any level there are problems. Most people, I believe, do not want any of them. What is hard to understand is why someone doesn't choose to get help. I think it stems from the stigma surrounding mental illness. This is 2010. There are so many advances in medicine, and now with vitamins and minerals, people need to be informed, not worried about what people might think.

I have literally been asked, "don't you just feel weak, I mean, why don't you just pull yourself up by your own boot straps and snap out of it?" Literally. All I wanted to snap at that point was their neck. The phrase, "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" ages the person saying it. What bootstraps? Okay, I'm not a cowboy. Do we live in the 1800's or early 1900's? If there is going to be anything to pull ourselves up by, let's at least think of something more current.

As for me, today is great. You have a good day. Don't let the novelty of the everyday feeling of "fine" be lost upon you. I will talk to you tomorrow.