The Truth About Depression

Yesterday was the first day in at least nine months that I did not think about death.

That is HUGE! I am feeling better! The new vitamins, minerals and amino acids seem to be working. Now is the time to write a letter to myself giving all the reasons to hang on to life. Because after night comes the morning. I need to write the letter or better yet a poster of all the good things in this life. Family, snowmen :), hugs, friends and the truth that the depression of the time will pass. I need to write down what others have told me, what they think are my good qualities so I can read them. Reading what someone else believes about me, might help me believe it all too, rather than writing my own affirmations. I want to come out on the end of this thing and endure to the end.

You've probably heard that unless you have had serious clinical depression you can't fathom it's devastation. The truth is that even when you have been through numerous bouts of depression, when you feel good, you can't remember how horrible that felt either. The opposite is also true in that when you are in depression you cannot even remember what normal, good or any good feeling that you have ever had feels like. You cannot feel love or that there is a reason to keep making the effort even when your loved ones tell you how important you are to them.

I remember going through one tough time when I could not understand laughter, the mechanics of it. I heard my husband and daughter laughing downstairs and so I went down and sat with them. I was trying to figure out what was causing this feeling of which I was bereft. It is a wrenching physical pain attached to the mental that becomes the forefront. But that is not where I am today, Thank God. I can put the words down as to what depression CAN and DOES feel like but I cannot feel it myself at this time and so I say THANK GOD!

If you have someone in your life who talks of ending it, ceases to care about life's details, simple acts of caring for oneself, who has lost interest in their normal activities and hobbies, family or job, can't sleep for days or sleeps constantly, has no hope, change in eating habits, lack of appetite, food lacks taste or they just can't eat, please take them to the emergency room. Someone once asked me what another person's role is when someone they know talks of suicide. I told them they have MORAL OBLIGATION to take that person seriously and do everything they can to get them help. No one who is healthy has these thoughts. They may have a passing wish that life were easier, but death is not an option or thought.

There is a Pueblo verse that says, "Hold on to what is good, even if it is a handful of earth. And hold on to what you believe, even if it is a tree which stands by itself. Hold on to what you must do, even if it is a long way from here. Hold on to life, even when it is easier to let go. Hold on to my hand, even when I have gone away from you." I know that I am never alone. That is the one truth that through all times I have clung to. I know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and His Son Jesus Christ knows me personally and with that knowlege I cannot give up hope.

Being on this side of the fence, feeling normal for me, having actual hope for the future in spite of the recession and political upheaval, I want to keep going. I'm not feeling manic. I feel peaceful and want to move on and feel this way on a long-term basis. This new treatment and those supervising it have warned me that it was not going to be easy. I am gearing up for that, but today as yesterday, I am basking in this feeling. I can sit and ponder the beauty of this day. This moment because I don't know how long it will last. But I have it now and it feels wonderful.