Pure Joy

This may sound trivial but watching the rain this morning on the green grass made me think, "I hope we can sell this house before summer." Why is this even interesting? I used the word "hope."

Over the past several years and more specifically in the last few months I have not felt hope. I have mentioned in this space that there is hope that the treatment works. I have not actually hoped for anything except, Please God let my life end before I want to take it again. Depression had me in it's grip far too long. I'm relatively sure that this treatment will have it's ups and downs. I've had symptoms of withdrawal but they were short-lived. Tomorrow I begin reducing a different medication.

On my way home from church as the sun shone through the gray clouds and I felt it's warmth on my face and smiled from deep inside. This is such an unknown feeling. A taste of spring after years of winter. This is not manic, jump for joy, go out and buy a plane type of feeling. It is a calm like I don't remember ever having. A spring of liquid sunlight coursing through my body is what I am feeling. I remember falling in love. I do remember such a feeling. I feel alive and well. I don't know how long this will last but for now it is everything.

I just talked to my husband and shared with him this extraordinary experience. I suppose it is akin to euphoria. I went to bed very early last night and woke up at 1:08 a.m. and have been up ever since. Even though I am tired I don't want to take a nap and risk losing this feeling. If I can feel this good even occasionally...it's huge! I have been manic and this is nothing like it. It's pure joy.