One Grain at a Time

Did you ever see the film, Shawshenk Redemption where an innocent man goes to prison? Well I'm going to ruin the ending for you if you haven't. He goes through hell but escapes using a tiny hammer hidden in his Bible. He digs his way out day after day, bit by bit and puts all of the gravel he chips away into his pockets and spreads it around the yard. He escapes through a sewage pipe. Imagine the stench and vile stuff he had to crawl through to get out.

I talked with my psychologist yesterday, another phone visit, just too ill to drive, and compared Shawshenk Redemption to the process of transitioning. I've been through hell and am ready to do whatever it takes to escape. To reduce my Effexor, I open a capsule and count out so many "beads." It is tedious, so when I do that I have prepared several days' worth in advance and put them in my pill dispenser. My psychiatrist told me about counting out the beads before I was instructed on how to do this. He thought it to be outlandish. I think it is very much like chipping away at a wall a grain of sand at a time. And to get to the other side I am willing to keep chipping.

There will be a day not too distant where this treatment will be more streamlined. It will be easier to titrate, or better yet the medications will not be needed because the answer will be in treating the cause so the symptoms can be controlled early on.

Talking with my doctor, I mentioned that one day last week I was having racing thoughts, and felt like I was sliding into a manic episode. I was moving too quickly. I stopped, picked up a book catalog, went into the living room and sat and read the catalog. This centered me and gradually the manic feeling and racing thoughts came to an end. She pointed out that that was a major step especially for me, who, when going into a manic episode become so much a part of the symptoms, they are reality for me that I cannot step back and see these things as just symptoms. So to be able to recognize that the racing thoughts were just that, I was able to implement a healthy distraction behavior and ended the episode before it was more manifest. I have never been able to do that. This was HUGE for me.

So far, she has seen many indicating factors that this is going in the right direction. I have been using my dialectical behavioral coping skills and have been able to stay out of panic mode with distress tolerance. I have not even had to resort to opening the "first-aid kit." It is so wonderful to have an alternative to psych medication. It is a long road. It is going more quickly than I thought it would, I am surprised at the amount of medication that I have reduced. This would have been terrifying if it were not with the added vitamins and minerals. I truly feel that this is working. My psychologist is watching closely as this is still breakthrough and has not had a patient try this. This is also new to my psychiatrist. I am his guinea pig. He has recommended it as a possibility to another patient. I only know this because the patient is a friend of mine and she told me.

It is a long road, and I don't know how I will be from day to day, thus the purpose of this blog. Whoever is reading this will go along with me for the ride, one grain at a time.