Moving On

I just got off of the phone with my psychologist. The weather here is freezing drizzle and rain and I didn't want to chance the hour and a half drive. I would if I could she is just that fantastic.

It is hard to fill a full hour with saying "I'm feeling great!" What am I supposed to talk about? Well, we had a good talk and she identified many uncommon behaviors that I am adopting.

We are in the process of moving and I have been downsizing, taking stock of what I really want to hang onto and what to pass on to someone else. Yesterday I was going through our library and came across some French readers and vocabulary books. The original idea was that I was going to read the books with help of the CD's I'd listened to, practice the vocabulary and look in the back of the book for correct pronouciation and meaning to finally really learn French. Instead, when I looked at the shelf I realized I was not going to do that in the near future, and when I really want to learn French I will use Rosetta Stone software. I was able to look at the books, evaluate my desire to learn, understand that books are BOOKS and realize that someone else could probably get some use out of them immediately. I would also not have to pack them.

This behavior and thought process is so non-manic, that my psychologist had to point it out to me. In the past I would have taken the books off of the shelf, put them next to the recliner, sit down right then and try to read. The thought of giving away any book was impossible... because it is a BOOK! We have to keep books, right? No. It is nice to have many books to choose from on the shelf, but if they are of little worth to us and might be better used by someone else..why keep them? This is not an eye opener for those who think this way to begin with, but for me this is a new step forward.

Another item of information I gave her is something I do feel disappointed about. I am an artist and have done many murals. There is a mural that I volunteered to do for the college from which I graduated. With packing, remodeling, repairs, moving, and going off of my medications I have to do something I hate. I am going to have to disappoint someone else. I have looked at the situation and there is not a way to complete all within a reasonable amount of time and remain sane about it. I considered doing this as a supervisory type of project with the students, but even this would need to be too hands-on. I can teach a few workshops on mixing colors and the process I use in producing a mural, I just cannot do it myself even with students helping. It is overwhelming. I'm going to have to say "no".

Again my doctor pointed out what process I went through in coming to this decision. Knowing that I will disappoint someone, knowing I don't want that, but knowing I have to do it is sane. Knowing my limits is okay and staying healthy is a must. This is huge! I am a person who keeps her word. So this is very difficult. I will do what I can, give the design that has already been approved to the art department and teach what I can. I can be available as a resource but I have to give it up. They may decide to scrap it all and start fresh, but that will be up to them.

It is refreshing to be able to make such a decision and be at peace with it.

When I told her that I had reduced my Clonazapam by another eigth of my dosage and have not had side effects or anxiety over that we both agreed that that has never happened, ever. My mood and outlook are not just coincidental. I have never been able to redcuce my medications without serious consequences. This treatment is working. I'm optimistic and I am moving on.