A Down Day Getting Better

The words, "If I die before you..." came out of my mouth this morning. Shaking yesterday, feeling down today, the idea of a long life feels so undoable. With the way my family dies off early, my parents, grandparents, my mom's five sisters and one uncle on my dad's side are gone. Ages 30, 56, 66, 60, 75 and so forth. My mom lived to be 80. She passed away two years ago March 8th and my dad will have been gone 11 years ago March 11th.

My aunt Peggy lived to be 78 (long for our family) and she was born with a hole in her heart. One of the first few people to ever have open-heart surgery. They didn't think she would make it to the age of five. And she longed to die after many surgeries. I remember the day of my dad's funeral (he was 66), she said, "that should be me laying there, not your dad." I use her as my example of enduring to the end. She had it so tough. If she could make it, I have to make it.

I'm only 47. That's young compared to some people. I know people my daughter's age wouldn't look at it that way. I have no plans on ending it. It is just tiring when the depression hits, knowing that this road I have chosen, an alternative to psychotropic drugs, is not going to be quick or painless.

The upswing of this day is that I can remember the two or three days of feeling "normal" as sunshine in my week. I can remember the chair I was sitting in, the room I was looking around and the feeling of rest. Hopefully I will have more experiences that will help me through these darker days. I have experienced a few of these good days and now I have some point of reference.

I worked on my first-aid kit yesterday. I got a pair of soft red socks with white snowflakes on them imbued with shea butter (somehow) and I put those in the box. They were the most luxurious thing I could think of. My daughter gave me tea sampler packets and so after having a cup of raspberry herbal tea, sweetened and with milk, I put all the packets into the box. Also in the box, which is one of those huge hinged boxes that look like a large book, I put in a journal and basswood pen. I do some of my most helpful journaling when I am feeling down. It is helpful at the time, but will be ripped out later. Some of it anyway. I plan to put in some of my favorite children's illustrations for the box also.

I didn't want to write this today, but am trying to maintain a regular routine to keep me from falling into spending the day in bed which would be easy to do especially on cold mornings like this. I have a few set "rules" for my day. Get up, make the bed, open the shades of the bedroom to bring in the sunshine, do a load of laundry and wash dishes. When I am doing fair, I call that a successful day. Sometimes I remember to make the bed, and throw in some laundry. Other days I can do more. So adding this journaling to my day gives me a good start. The bed is made, the window shades are open. It's sunny. Bob beat me to the laundry and dishes. There were only two plates since breakfast.

Yesterday I did some joint-compounding around a part of a wall in the kitchen that needed repair, I sorted clothes that soon will be packed, washed clothes, and baked a double batch of chocolate chip cookies from my mom's recipe. I had to contain myself. I've gained weight over the holidays so I kept my hands off all but two of them. Okay, I may have had some dough..:)

I won't be writing tomorrow morning but maybe tomorrow night.
I'm feeling better already. This can turn out to be a good thing.