Dreaming Again

Yesterday I did another med reduction! It is amazing to me. Yesterday I felt pretty good until about 4:30 p.m. when I began experiencing some increasing anxiety. I called my nutritional counselor in patient support and let her know this. My brain is getting the nutrients it needs to function and my meds are causing an adverse reaction. So I reduced again. My body feels as if toxins are oozing out of my muscles and organs and seeping into my bloodstream. That is the "lead" feeling I talk about. A strange sensation.

I'm going to give my original dosage and my current dosage of medications because now there is quite a difference. Wellbutrin has gone down from 300mg to 225mg; Clonazapam from 2mg to .75mg; Lamictal: 300 to 150; Effexor: 225 to 168.75; and Geodon 240 to 180. With no adverse effects. My responses to the 16 symptomatic questions remain at zero to three. The counselor told me that for me, three is my high, and I can handle that. She told me that some people have 37 symptoms charted so I am lucky.

Today I was in the emergency room for the pain associated with my infection. Looks like the infection itself is gone, now I have pain of inflamation. I have been given Codine and an anti inflamatory. Now that I am going off of my medications, I feel so aware of new prescriptions that I really don't want to take this. I want to be well and sometimes you need drugs to help, but seeing that I can one day be off of my drugs and have a life again... I'm feeling out of the loop of, "well, we'll increase this dosage and try this new drug..have you ever been on ______ before? We'll try that. If that doesn't work...well, let's just see." I am now tired of being infused with these mind altering drugs and I haven't done a nose dive. Not that there isn't one waiting for me in the future.. but for now.. I'm good.

I will call my counselor again on Monday and will probably reduce again on Tuesday. I expected this to take months, not weeks. It is taking longer in my case due to the fact that I am on so many meds and two of them for at least ten years. I will call my doctor on Monday to let him know how I am doing.

In a recent blog I mentioned the fact that I have goals. Being in and out of a psych unit is not where I wanted to be when I grew up. I have taken flying lessons, and I decided I was going to really take it on and become a pilot. I paid for everything I needed for the full course, workbooks, flight log, instructions, you name it. Then I was told that before I could be certified I would need to have a physical. So I called the doctor that the flight school recommended. I was on just as many meds, but some were different at the time. He asked me what medications I was taking. I read him the list. His response, "I couldn't allow you to fly while on any of the medications you're taking." Talk about being shot down out of the sky. And there it sat, crumpled on the ground my 'dream' of being a pilot. But then I never dreamt I could ever go off of these drugs either. I am beginning to dream again.